Listen up chumps, basically the Vicar asked us to edit the parish newsletter this month, we weren't gonna do it at first cos the vicar said 'I want you to channel your energy into doing something creative', which he knows brings back Kurtan's PTSD cos our old woodwork teacher Mr Perkins used to say it to him all the time, and when Kurtan actually DID channel his energy into something creative he managed to sand down some MDF to make a back scratcher and Darren Lacey pointed at it and laughed and called it an 'abomination to woodwork', which made Kurtan throw a chair across the room in rage and one of the chair legs hit Rob Robinson and left a dent in his forehead. So we decided to write this newsletter cos people need to the know the REAL s*** that goes down in our village, it ain't just fetes and duck races you know - it's proper f***** up. All the best, Kerry and Kurtan p.s. Kurtan wants to make it clear that although this newsletter is in book format it does not make him any of the following: Book worm Book bummer Boffin Nerd alert The lion, the witch and the book worm p.p.s If you don't buy this newsletter that's fine, but we are getting a percent of the profits to donate to the Kerry Mucklowe eating fund, so if you don't buy it I'll basically starve. Which is fine if your conscience can deal with that utter headf***. p.p.p.s If you were offended by any of the contents in this newsletter please post your complaints to PO BOX GET STUFFED.

For fans of TOWIE, Celebrity Big Brother and Celebs Go Dating, learn how you too can become a diva by the one and only Gemma Collins - one of the greatest gifts reality TV has ever given us. So girls, you alright darlings? By buying this book you will have taken the first steps into a world where everything is fabulous. Men will fall at your feet, riches will be bestowed on you, you will have the biggest, bounciest hair ever and you will get what you want, whatever that is. I'm a diva and I've earned my divaship through many years of hard work, hairdryers and broken hearts. In my book, I'll explore the main themes of the diva lifestyle: attitude, appearance, men and social media. You'll learn what it means to be a diva, how to look like one, how to act like one and how to live like one. At the end of it all, you will be a fabulous diva like me. You'll also learn some very juicy goss about me, my life, the men in my life, shock-induced urinary incontinence and some of the things I've done (including how I sustained an unsightly boob injury in front of Tom Daley while he was wearing a revealing pair of Speedos) (which could probably make a book on its own). So hold on to your extensions, because things are about to get interesting.

Football isn't life or death - it's much more serious than that... Which players will the fans never forget? Who are the Premier League's best buys? Who were the best link ups in history? In Match of the Day Top 10 of Everything, Gary Lineker, Alan Shearer and Micah Richards bring all of the charm, wit and punditry of their hit BBC Sounds podcast onto the page, arguing the toss over their favourite strikers, Premier League managers, shock transfers, cult heroes, hard men, FA Cup Finals, and much, much more. The question is...will you agree with their picks?

Dive into Mrs Brown's A to Y of Everything by writer and star of NTA winning show Mrs Browns Boys, Brendan O'Carroll. The hilarious follow-up to the bestselling Mrs Brown's Family Handbook. If there's one Mammy in the world who knows what's what, it's Mrs Brown. Star of the incredibly popular TV show Mrs Brown's Boys, and the hit movie, here Agnes Brown follows up her bestselling Mrs Brown's Family Handbook with an A to Y (who really needs fecking 'Z's anyway?) of modern life. In this comical encyclopaedia, Agnes explores everything from pandas to piles, from biscuits to The Big Bang and from happiness to hairdryers. Peppered with her inimitable humour and full of hilarious photos, Mrs Brown's A to Y of Everything is your definitive guide to all things Mrs Brown. Brendan O'Carroll is an Irish writer, producer, comedian, actor, director and author. He is best known for playing Agnes Brown in Mrs Brown's Boys, which won the best sitcom BAFTA in 2012 and best comedy at the National Television Awards in 2020. He has written four films and nine comedy shows, including The Course (1995) and The Last Wedding (1999). He has also published seven novels, including The Mammy, The Scrapper and The Young Wan - a number of which have been translated into 12 languages.

We've all had them, those pointless arguments that are seemingly impossible to solve. We've been round in circles trying to work out what came first, the chicken or the egg? Don't get us started on the debate of what we are all here for? And you're bound to have had sleepless nights pondering which ingredient you simply can't do without in a full English Breakfast - sausage or bacon. Well worry no more, here to help you solve some of life's biggest - and most pointless - conundrums are Alexander Armstrong and Richard Osman. So, does God exist? and what is the most pointless sport - ballet or darts? With a witty and intelligent collection of stand-up pieces, quizzes, cryptic brainteasers and pointless facts, Alexander Armstrong and his pointless friend Richard Osman will put the world to rights and finally answer the 100 Most Pointless Arguments in the World....Ever.

Mrs Pollifax is sent on a safari to smoke out an international assassin whose next target is the president of Zambia. "Just take a lot of pictures of everyone on that safari," the CIA man told her. "One of them has to be our man." It sounded simple enough. But it wasn't. Because shortly after she started taking pictures, someone stole her film. And right after that she was kidnapped by Rhodesian terrorists. And right after that - well, read for yourself ... Armed with only an open mind and a little karate, Mrs Pollifax is the most unlikely and lovable of international spies. What readers are saying: "Love, love, love Mrs Pollifax. Ms Gilman has an extraordinary way of keeping you on the edge of your seat and turning the pages of her books." "How can a sweet little old lady get into so much trouble? Mrs Pollifax is a gem and a hoot!" "A book that gives you a big smile on every page. I'm looking forward to my next Mrs Pollifax adventure." "Who wouldn't fall in love with a senior citizen who wears absurd hats, pushes the book cart at the hospital, and knows karate?" "I first read the Mrs Pollifax books when I was a little girl and I keep coming back to read the books again and again." "Read it, it's the best thing you can do for yourself. It's like a reminder of the zest for life." Editorial reviews: "Mrs Pollifax is an enchantress." New York Times "Mrs Pollifax gives Agatha Christie's Miss Marple a rival to reckon with." Toronto Star "Filled with adventures-and misadventures-but through it all Mrs Pollifax is triumphant." Booklist "Absorbing and worthwhile ... You won't want to put the book down." Portland Telegram "The pace never flags, bolstered by the shrewd Mrs P. and a host of well-defined characters who all work their surprising wiles." Publishers Weekly "Should delight you whether you're looking for smiles or thrills." New York Times Book Review "All's right with the world as long as Mrs Pollifax is part of it." Mobile Register

Au Revois! The name's Trotter, Derek Trotter, and the world of business is my speciality. When it comes to the art of closing deals I've been around the track more times than a lurcher. Not only have I been there, done it and bought the t-shirt, I've gone back round to do it again, printed my ownt-shirts, knocked 'em out at ridiculously low prices and cut the competition out of the market. But the commodities game ain't all champagne and skittles. It's a rocky road full of potholes, speed cameras, people who don't indicate, mouthy cyclists, and all sorts of obstacles designed to get on your tits. You Know It Makes Sense is the definitive business guide, designed pacifically to help steer you in the right direction. Packed full of insider knowledge, tips and warnings, think of it as your personal stat-nav on the corporate highway. And whether you're a Director, middle management, a junior staff hotshot, or the one that fetches the sandwiches, it will help you get to where you're going.

Test your knowledge of the last Time Lord and the worlds he's visited in Who-ology, an unforgettable journey through over 50 years of Doctor Who. Packed with facts, figures and stories from the show's galactic run, this unique tour of space and time takes you from Totters Lane to Heaven itself, taking in guides to UNIT call signs, details of the inner workings of sonic screwdrivers, and a reliability chart covering every element of the TARDIS. Now fully updated to cover everything through to the 12th Doctor's final episode, and with tables, charts and illustrations dotted throughout, as well as fascinating lists and exhaustive detail, you won't believe the wonders that await.

With season 2 now released, don't miss out on getting the perfect gift for any Stranger Things fan in your life. Grab your Eggos and prepare to enter Hawkins, Indiana - just don't forget your fairy lights If you devoured Stranger Things and you're looking to fill the demogorgon-sized hole in your life, then look no further than Notes From the Upside Down. This fan handbook is here to tell you more about the origins of the show, including the mysterious Montauk Project conspiracy theory, get you clued up on the inspirations behind the characters, and assess the show's DNA. If you've ever wondered why Spielberg is such a huge influence, which Stephen King books you need to read (HINT: pretty much all of them) and how State Trooper David O'Bannon earned his name, then this book is for you. Guy Adams is a superfan and this is his amusing and informative guide to everything you're going to need to know to understand Stranger Things.

___________________ They had a cunning plan. A few decades ago, three young grads from England's greatest universities - Oxford, Cambridge, and Hull (actually, Manchester) - came up with a historical comedy series. Few thought it would live long in the memory. Today, Blackadder is a timeless comic masterpiece, and its stars have gone on to glittering careers. The True History of the Black Adder is the first ever history of one of Britain's greatest and most unique sitcoms, from its medieval beginnings to its legendary tragic finale. Informed by exclusive - and hilarious - interviews with essential figures like Rowan Atkinson, Tony Robinson, Ben Elton, Stephen Fry, Brian Blessed and many more, this the definitive account of how a British institution came to be, as well as a fascinating look into how this classic comedy was almost very different - and a compendium of brilliantly funny anecdotes from a team of Britain's most celebrated comedians. British history is a patchwork of questionable stories, constantly rewritten, re-evaluated and ridiculed; final editorial control has always belonged to the winners. And nobody likes winners... At last, Blackadder enthusiasts can now uncover THE cunning plan, in all its hideous hilarity.

"This does indeed deserve comparisons with Blackadder" Radio Times "A knockabout, well-researched take on the working and domestic life of Shakespeare." The Guardian It's the 1590s. William Shakespeare - brought to life on screen by the inimitable David Mitchell - is at the start of his career. But no one is taking him seriously. In London, he is mercilessly mocked by his rivals and at home in Stratford he is belittled by his sullen teenage daughter. Yet he is determined to find an ending for his newest creation Romeo and Juliet. Luckily, inspiration is forthcoming. The trials and tribulations of his closest friends and family reveal the plot twists he'd been missing. And not only for this famous tragedy but for many of his finest plays. With sparkling wordplay, hilarious gags and his trademark wit, Ben Elton celebrates the great William Shakespeare and reveals the startling stories behind the playwright's best-known plays.

This is a limited edition of 10,000 copies, signed by the author on the very first page with: PB. Just when you thought it was safe to put down your pens, Alfie Deyes is back with everyone's favourite journal! This time it includes some brand-new challenges and activities - from Haikus to recipes and riddles to mindfulness. Full of classic favourites, too, Alfie invites you to rejoin his online following and pick up the The Pointless Book 3 to once again do virtually nothing with pride!

Resolved to give up spying for good, Mrs Pollifax can't stop herself agreeing to carry a small object to an agent in Thailand, and get one in return. The moment she lands, Mrs P. is horrified to find her contact dead and her husband kidnapped. The next thing she knows, she's tramping through the unfamiliar Thai countryside, led by a curious fellow who may be trying to help her find her husband. Or he may have other, more sinister plans ... Armed with only an open mind and a little karate, Mrs Pollifax is the most unlikely and lovable of international spies. What readers are saying: "Love, love, love Mrs Pollifax. Ms Gilman has an extraordinary way of keeping you on the edge of your seat and turning the pages of her books." "How can a sweet little old lady get into so much trouble? Mrs Pollifax is a gem and a hoot!" "A book that gives you a big smile on every page. I'm looking forward to my next Mrs Pollifax adventure." "Who wouldn't fall in love with a senior citizen who wears absurd hats, pushes the book cart at the hospital, and knows karate?" "I first read the Mrs Pollifax books when I was a little girl and I keep coming back to read the books again and again." "Read it, it's the best thing you can do for yourself. It's like a reminder of the zest for life." Editorial reviews: "Mrs Pollifax is an enchantress." New York Times "Mrs Pollifax gives Agatha Christie's Miss Marple a rival to reckon with." Toronto Star "Filled with adventures-and misadventures-but through it all Mrs Pollifax is triumphant." Booklist "Absorbing and worthwhile ... You won't want to put the book down." Portland Telegram "The pace never flags, bolstered by the shrewd Mrs P. and a host of well-defined characters who all work their surprising wiles." Publishers Weekly "Should delight you whether you're looking for smiles or thrills." New York Times Book Review "All's right with the world as long as Mrs Pollifax is part of it." Mobile Register

'Leon often said he'd like to write our story. Now, I'll do it for him.' As founding cast members of hit television show Gogglebox, Leon and June won the hearts of a nation with their warm humour and unending love for each other. When Leon sadly died at Christmas 2017, Gogglebox viewers were bereft, calling for a state funeral for our national treasure. In this touching memoir she looks back at all of the laughter and love they have shared together; letting us in on the secrets to a truly happy marriage in this wonderful celebration of two lives well lived. Together for 63 years, coming to terms with life without Leon has been a difficult process for June. But the many treasured memories of their marriage will never leave her. From when, aged 18, she first laid eyes on Leon at teacher training college in 1955; their journey to marry when their parents disapproved; happy recollections of 1960s Liverpool; to building a loving home and family together before finding fame as pensioners. Firm favourites of Gogglebox, they were loved for their gentle teasing, Leon's cheeky gags and humorous rants, and June's unerring patience and caring touch. Leon and June have experienced their fair share of highs and lows, but they always got through everything together. As Leon always said, 'As long as June's here, I'm all right.' *Now available in paperback with a brand-new title, Forever Sweethearts*

'I love these books ... the best books ever. Brilliant' Chris Evans 1,411 QI Facts to Knock You Sideways, by John Lloyd, John Mitchinson and James Harkin, contains all-new facts from the QI team to astonish, delight and enlighten. 1,227 QI Facts blew your socks off. 1,339 QI Facts made your jaw drop. Now the QI team return with this year's groaning sack of astonishment. Prepare to be knocked sideways... Did you know that: Orchids can get jetlag. Lizards can't walk and breathe at the same time. There are 177,147 ways to tie a tie. Ladybird orgasms last for 30 minutes. Traffic lights existed before cars. Sir Bruce Forsyth is four months older than sliced bread. The soil in your garden is 2 million years old. If there are any facts you don't believe, or if you want to know more about them, all the sources can be found on qi.com.