Relating to other people provides the basic foundation for our
lives. Our instincts propel us into connection with others, and our
personalities emerge through the responses we receive and give.
Relating is so embedded in our social experience that we do not
think about it, we just do it. How we relate is learned in early
formative experiences and we carry those with us into our adult
relational lives. Unfortunately we do not learn about what we are
doing; basically, we have to wing it. The book is part of a larger
endeavor to bring more awareness to how we learn to relate and how
our learned relational styles impact our relationships. It is
hypothesized that conflict grows out of lack of awareness of our
relational needs. We include detailed information on what
relational needs are and how learning to communicate them brings
mutuality and connection. As a therapist, I was struck by how
difficult it was for either person in a relationship to turn their
attention to the other persons' experience. In the presence of the
other, most people were so involved with asserting their own
experience and trying to get it validated, that there seemed to be
no room or interest in what was happening to the other person. This
is not relating. Developing a process whereby each person could
express and get feedback for their own experience and then do the
same for the other person, seemed to help couples get back into
connection with each other. The CLEAR relational process was
developed to do this. The process mimics some basic communication
styles of a parent and child; fundamentally, how each person needs
their experience related to and mirrored back and how two members
need to learn to negotiate with each other to stay connected in a
positive relationship. The collection of essays is organized so
that it serves as an outline for a mini-course on relationship
process. The book is divided into eight sections. The first six are
on relationships and conflict and the last two explain how to use
the relational process on the web.
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