'If the Waverley sank right now and I wanted to swim to the nearest land, how far would that be?' 'About a hundred yards, sur.' 'Amazing. Which way?' 'Down!' True 'Glesca' humour and history combined, Kerryoans up the Clyde! recounts the adventures of a vessel full of character with a captain to match: Morrison's Waverley and 'Big Lizzie' are each as formidable and inalienably Scottish as the other. Morrison captures the charmingly unique spirit of the last of the Clyde's paddle steamers as well as the facts of its history. Full of playful tales, many a chuckle and the quirky illustrations of Bob Dewar, you're sure to find something that floats your boat!

These are tough times. Prices spiralling! Climate change! International tension! Pandemics! It's not hard to find things to worry about. But Scottish grannies can be an oasis of calm. Their wit and wisdom, their compassion and knowhow, their measured good sense and withering reproaches are exactly what is required. Scottish grannies are reassuring. They are relevant. And they need to be heard.

The Scots have a unique way of communicating their feelings. Their sayings are cheeky, to the point, rude and always funny. Scotland’s bestselling humour author is back with his latest collection of hilarious Scottish sayings. ‘Away an’ bile yer heid an’ mak silly soup!’ ‘If you don’t behave ah’ll pawn ye an’ sell the ticket.’ ‘That wan’s in everything but the Co-operative windae!’ ‘If ah had your money ah wid burn ma ain.’ ‘Ye’ve goat a heid oan ye like a stair-heid.’ ‘The gemme’s a bogie.’ ‘Yer cruisin’ fur a bruisin’.’ ‘Ah’m that hungry ah could eat a scabbie-heided horse.’ ‘Castor oil cures everythin’ but a widden leg.’ ‘Wan minute yer a peacock an’ the next yer a feather duster.’ ‘Yer talkin’ mince withoot a tattie in sight.’ ‘Lang may yer lum reek, an’ may a wee moose never leave yer kitchen press wi’ a tear in its ee.’ ‘Yer herr’s mingin’, hingin’ an’ clingin’.’ From the infallible wisdom of the Glesca Granny, to the hilarious patter of larger-than-life conductress Big Aggie MacDonald, Allan Morrison has a sharp eye and a silver tongue when it comes to observational humour.SCOTLAND ON SUNDAY on Haud Ma Chips, Ah’ve Drapped the Wean!

'Years have passed since the Scottish Independence Referendum was held and the political landscape has changed. Big Nellie Nellis has been voted First Minister, and things are about to get interesting as all the political parties are given the benefit of her very unparliamentary sound bites!'

The referee. You can’t have a game without one. The most hated man (or woman) in football but you have to invite one to every game. Enjoy a laugh at the antics and wicked humour of Scottish referee Big Erchie, a powerhouse at five foot five, and a top grade referee who strikes fear into he hearts of managers and players alike as he stringently applies the laws of the game. But Big Erchie is burdened with a terrible secret… He’s a Stirling Albion supporter.

Meet Bus Pass Barbara and Bus Pass Molly. Since they first met in Glasgow's Buchanan Bus Station, they have been using their bus passes to explore new parts of Scotland they never dreamed they'd see. As they travel the country, they encounter crotchety drivers, snooty passengers and potentially eligible men, while saving weddings from catastrophes and walkers from sprained ankles. With a combination of both caustic wisecracking and cheeky humour, the Bus Pass Girls quickly become fast friends and travel companions as they navigate their way across the country.

An hilarious and often wise collection of Scots saying straight from the mouths of the Grannies of Glasgow. With each snippet accompanied by a straightforward English translation, this is your introduction to the unique wisdom of the 'Glesca Granny'.

'She always had high hopes for him. Did he manage to graduate after his resits?' 'Him?! He's thick. Would be as useless as a lifeguard in a carwash.' This is a classic collection of the best humour that Scotland has to offer - off-the-cuff and straight from the street. Packed full of wit and verbal gags, you won't even believe most of them. Bestselling author Allan Morrison has spent months surreptitiously eavesdropping and collating over 500 of the best one-liners to produce this incredible collection, an ideal stocking filler to help you chuckle Christmas away. 'When's the next bus then, dearie?' 'Oh, not for an hour.' 'Ach, it'll not take me long to wait for that.'

These adventures of Big Aggie MacDonald, the caustic, wisecracking Glasgow tramcar clippie, should take readers back to the golden age of the tram. The seven short stories are interspersed with one-liners and jokes attributed to Aggie.

The 50th anniversary of the last trams in Glasgow is 2012. The last regular tram in Glasgow ran on 1 September, 1962. However on the 2, 3 and 4 of September, a very special tram service was operated between Auchenshuggle and Anderson Cross, for which souvenir tickets were sold. The Last Tram tae Auchenshuggle is the hilarious patter and build up to the end of the Glasgow trams, featuring Glasgow's famous clippie, Big Aggie MacDonald.

It is said that weddings are made in heaven. But then again, so are clouds, rain, hail, hurricanes, thunder and lightning... In Allan Morrison's latest hilarious observational offering, we follow all that happens to loving couples - starting with that electric spark when they first meet. Once a courtship has settled down and the girl has decided she can't do any better, it's time for all those familiar moments: the meeting of the in-laws, the living together, the rituals of hen nights and stag dos; the Big Day; the honeymoon and then the hard stuff - sticking together. Humorous and gentle by turn, Allan adds his own gentlemanly warmth to a topic close to everyone's heart.