"Hi, my name is Matt, and I'll be your waiter tonight." Since becoming a waiter, Matthew Foster has uttered these words 67,892 times, he has cried on the job 11 times, has had two nervous breakdowns, and has committed 27 acts of anonymous revenge on rude restaurant patrons. Now this comic essayist brings you his take on the modern American dining experience.

"Hi, my name is Matt, and I'll be your waiter tonight." Since becoming a waiter, Matthew Foster has uttered these words 67,892 times, he has cried on the job 11 times, has had two nervous breakdowns, and has committed 27 acts of anonymous revenge on rude restaurant patrons. Now this comic essayist brings you his take on the modern American dining experience.