Doris said to her sister, "I have to be extremely careful not to get pregnant." "But I thought Bill got a vasectomy?" "Precisely." What's the best thing to do when you see your wife staggering around on your front lawn? Shoot her again. Why are men smarter when they're making love? They are plugged into a fucking know-it-all. What do a fat chick and a moped have in common? They're both fun to ride, but you never want your friends to see you on one. A bride-to-be knows exactly what type of music she wants played at her wedding. She auditions 20 pianists before this musician plays an original composition that is precisely what she was looking for. "That was perfect," she says. "What do you call it?" He says, "Drive Me to Capistrano Baby, Because That's Where You're Gonna Swallow." "Yuck. What a nasty title; but it is a beautiful song, play me another." He does and this one is even better. "That's magnificent. What do you call it?" "Bend Over and Touch Your Ankles Baby-I'm a Backdoor Man." "You're hired," she says, "but for God's sake don't tell anyone the names of your songs." The wedding day comes and the guests at the reception are more than impressed with the music. But the pianist has been drinking an ocean of champagne. He has to go to the bathroom and is so drunk he botches the job. He cleans up as best he can and returns to the piano. Halfway there he's stopped by the bride who says, "Do you know there's shit on your shoes and your zipper's down?" "Know it?" he says. "Bitch, I wrote it." What do you call a couple using the rhythm, will power, or withdrawal methods of birth control? Parents. A woman told her friend, "I just made my ex-husband a millionaire." "What was he before?" "A billionaire." Why do people get married? So they have someone to blame. What's the difference between a wife and mistress? About 45 pounds. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 45 minutes. Samantha discontinued sex to answer the phone. When she returned to bed her partner asked, "Who was that?" "My husband." "What does he want?" "He just wanted to tell me he'll be home late because he went bowling with you." A man propositions a hooker. He offers $10. She insists on $50. That's too steep for him so he decides to go home to his wife. They fuck and then walk down to the local bar for a drink. They pass the hooker who says, "See what a lousy $10 gets you?" A husband said, "I've devised a new sexual position that will save our marriage." The wife said, "What is it?" "Back-to-back." "It's impossible to have sex back-to-back." "Sure we can. I've persuaded the new neighbors to join us." At a divorce recovery workshop a man stands up and says, "My ex-wife is a decent, honest person and a great mother to our children. But I'm into kinky sex-I mean the kinkier the better-and she was a straight lay. It put our marriage under so much strain it fell apart." A lady stands up and says, "Same with me. And I live around the corner." So they leave and go to her place. They do some kissy-face and get naked on the couch and she says, "I'm ready." "Me too." She runs to her bedroom and assembles all her gear: leather bra and thong, whip and handcuffs, nipple clips and a battery powered dildo that could propel a bass boat. She returns to the living room and sees him dressed and leaving. "Hey Where are you going? I thought you liked it kinky?" He says, "Lady, I just fucked your cat and shit in your purse, what the hell do you want?" Why do women have periods? Because they deserve them. After making love the bride slapped her husband's face. "What was that for?" he asked. "For being a lousy fucking lover." He slapped her back. "What was that for?" she asked. "For knowing the difference." What's the definition of confidence? Your wife finds you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next bitch." Many more tasteless and filthy love and marriage jokes inside.

"Can I," Dirty Johnny asked his mother, "have some money for candy?" "What happened to the five-dollar allowance I give you every Saturday?" asked mom. "I've been giving it to the old homeless man in the park." Mom is so proud of her son. His charity and giving spirit; his humanity. She opens her wallet and hands him a five dollar bill. "I'm very proud of you Johnny, sharing the way you have been. But this money you keep for yourself. If you continue giving money to the homeless they'll never get a job." "But this homeless guy has a job." "Really? What does he do?" "Every Saturday morning, for five dollars, he sucks my cock." The sex-education teacher drew a penis on the blackboard and asked the class, "does anybody know what this is?" Dirty Johnny stands up and says, "It's a cock. My dad has two of them." "Your father has two penises?" asked the teacher. "Yeah. The little one he pisses out of and the big one he uses to brush the babysitter's teeth." A pit bull chased Dirty Johnny up a tree. The owner came by and said, "Sorry kid. I was bringing him to the vet's to have his balls snipped. The operation will calm him down, this will never happen again." "I have a better idea, asshole," said Johnny. "Why don't you remove his teeth? I could see from a block away he wasn't going to fuck me." Dirty Johnny calls up the principal and says, "I'm sick and can't come to school today." "Johnny," asks the principal, "how sick are you?" "I just," says Johnny, "fucked my grandma up the ass is that sick enough for you?" "Okay class," says the teacher, "I'm going through the alphabet and I'm going to call on someone for the letters a, b, c, and so on. When called upon, say a word that starts with that letter then use that word in a sentence." Immediately, Dirty Johnny's hand is in the air but the teacher can't call on him because he'll say ass, then bitch, cunt, damn, excrement, fuck, goddam, horseshit, intercourse, jackin' off etc. Finally she gets to z. There's no swear word that starts with z. so she calls on Dirty Johnny who says, "Z. Zoo. Last summer I went to the zoo and saw an elephant that had the biggest fucking cock I have ever seen." The civics teacher said, "Class, I am going to tell you every attribute you need to have in order to be elected president of the United States." "Fucking liar," said Dirty Johnny. "That, ironically, is number one on the list." Dirty Johnny got an electric train for Christmas. He quickly assembled the train and began playing conductor: "All aboard, you assholes. All whores sit in the aisle seats. That will facilitate all the cock sucking you'll be doing today." "Johnny," said his mother, rushing in from the kitchen, "you turn that train off and sit in the corner for a half hour. Using language like that " A half hour later Johnny switches his train back on and says, "Good day and welcome to DFJ railways. I hope you enjoy your journey; if there are any complaints about the delay in service you can talk to the fucking bitch in the kitchen." A behavioral psychologist devised an experiment to test how quickly children can associate color with taste. The experiment consisted of placing a bowl of Life Savers in front of a group of second graders. After a few tries the kids would say: "Red tastes just like cherry. Yellow tastes just like pineapple. Green...Lime, Orange...Orange." Then he gave them a honey Life Saver, but none of them could identify it. He said, "I'll give you a hint. This flavor is something your mommy calls your daddy." Dirty Johnny said, "Spit them out He's feeding us assholes." Dirty Johnny says to his neighbor, "Mom's sick and I need $100 to check her into the hospital." "How do I know," says the neighbor, "that you won't spend the money on drugs?" "Fuck you," says Johnny. "I've got drug money." Many many many more sick and twisted Dirty Johnny jokes inside...

"Can I," Little Rodney Redneck asked his father, "have some money for some Red Man?" "What happened to the five-dollars I gave you Saturday for shoveling horseshit?" asked dad. "I've been giving it to the old homeless man in the park." Dad is so proud of Rodney. His kindness and Christian charity. He opens his wallet and hands him a five dollar bill. "I'm proud of you Johnny, but this money you keep for yourself. If you continue giving them money, the lazy-ass homeless will never get a job." "But this homeless guy already has a job." "Really? What does he do?" "Every Saturday morning, for five dollars, he sucks my cock." A redneck woman walks into a gun shop and says, "I'd like to buy a shotgun for my husband." "What does he like: .10 gauge, .12 gauge, .14 gauge?" "Doesn't matter. The dumbshit doesn't even know that I am going to shoot him." What's a nine year old redneck girl say the first time she has sex? "Hey Pa, you're crushing my smokes." How can you tell the redneck Amish in your neighborhood? They have a dead horse up on blocks in their front yard. How do you circumcise a redneck? Punch his sister in the jaw. Two redneck gals are gossiping while walking through the Piggly Wiggly. "How was your date with Billy last night?" "We sat on the couch and immediately he started groping my ass. So I slapped him as hard as I could right across the face. But I regretted it as soon as I hit him." "You have feelings for him?" "No. He was chewing tobacco." A redneck came to work one day and started passing cigars out to celebrate the birth of his son. "Congratulations Billy Bob," said his boss. "How much did the little 'un weigh?" "5 lbs. 7 oz." "That's kind of small isn't it?" "It's not bad," said Billy Bob. "Considering we've only been married two months." What do you call a dozen rednecks at an orgy? A family reunion. How we know that Adam and Eve were from West Virginia? Because they had no house, no car, no job-but still thought they were living in paradise. Why did 18 rednecks go to the same movie? Because of the sign: 17 and Under Not Allowed A southern football coach, determined to teach his team about the evils of alcohol, took a worm and dropped it into a bottle of vodka. The worm shriveled and died. "What," said the coach, "have you learned from this?" His star linebacker said, "I learned that if I drink enough vodka I'll never have the problems with worms that my momma has." A redneck's definition of a perfect woman? A blind, dumb, deaf, nymphomaniac who owns a chain of liquor stores. What is XX? A redneck cosigning for his brother. The sex-education teacher drew a penis on the blackboard and asked the class, "Does anybody know what this is?" Little Rodney Redneck stands up and says, "It's a cock. My dad has two of them." "Your father has two penises?" asked the teacher. "Yeah. The little one he pisses out of and the big one he uses to brush the babysitter's teeth." A pit bull chased Little Rodney Redneck up a tree. The owner came by and said, "Sorry kid. I was bringing him to the vet's to have his balls snipped. The operation will calm him down, this will never happen again." "I have a better idea," said Rodney. "Why don't you take him to a dentist and remove his teeth? I could see from a block away he wasn't going to fuck me." Little Rodney Redneck calls up the principal and says, "I'm sick and can't come to school today." "Rodney," asks the principal, "how sick are you?" "I just," says Rodney, "fucked my grandma up the ass is that sick enough for you?" Many more redneck and Little Rodney jokes inside

A man walks into a bar and sees his ex-girlfriend. "Hey," he says, "I was screwing my new girlfriend last night, but I was thinking about you." "Why? Do you want to get back together?" "No. It keeps me from coming too quick." What's the best thing to do when you see your wife staggering around on your front lawn? Shoot her again. Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning? Because they don't have any balls to scratch. A man walks into a bar and orders a martini. He slams it down, looks in his shirt pocket and orders another. He repeats this five times, then asks for the tab. The bartender totals it up and says, "Why do you examine the contents of your pocket after each drink?" "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she starts looking good I go home and fuck her." Did you hear about the new morning after birth control pill for men? It alters their blood type. Two brothers, who married twins, walk into a bar and order a pitcher of Michelob. "So what did you get Cindy for her birthday?" asks the older brother. The younger brother says, "I got her a diamond necklace and a BMW." "Why two gifts?" "If she doesn't like the diamond necklace she'll have a brand new car to drive to the jewelry store and exchange it. What did you get Wendy?" "A pair of pink fuzzy slippers and a carrot." "That's an odd combo." "Not really. I figure if she doesn't like the slippers she can fuck herself." A hooker, fearing she might be a hemophiliac, went to see her doctor. "The smallest little nick," she told him, "and I bleed for days." "How much," he asked, "do you lose during your period?" "About two thousand dollars." A man wheels himself into a bar. He has two broken legs and his head is bandaged. "Jerry," asks the bartender, "what happened to you?" "It was my wife's birthday last week and she wanted something that went from 0 to 200 in under six seconds." "You dumbshit," says the bartender, "you bought her a motorcycle, then borrowed and crashed it." "Worse," says Jerry. "I bought her a bathroom scale." A lady walks into a doctor's office and says, "You gotta help me. I'm tired all the time. I got no energy." "Look at your fat ass," says the doctor. "You're obese. You're a fucking tub of guts. Lose some weight you lazy bitch." "I demand a second opinion." "Okay," says the doctor. "You're ugly, too." A doctor approaches a patient and says, "You have, tops, a month to live. The cancer's incurable." "Nice bedside manner, Doc. Can't you think of anything positive to say?" "You're right. I apologize." "Accepted. If you tell me one thing that happened here today that's positive." The doctor thinks, then says, "You see my new receptionist with the big tits?" "Yeah?" The doctor whispers, "I fucked her at lunch." A man went to his therapist and said, "You gotta help me, I'm distraught. Every night my wife goes to Mac's Bar and sucks everyone's cock." "Calm down. Just take a deep breath and tell me where Mac's Bar is located." A man walks into a bar in Las Vegas and says to the bartender, "My wife is deathly ill and I need to borrow $100 to pay the insurance deductible and get her into the hospital." "If I gave you $100," says the bartender, "you'd just use it for gambling." "Fuck you," says the man, "I got gambling money." A man walks into a bar and orders a double John Jameson. Without being asked he says to the bartender, "The Vietnam War ruined my fucking life." "Where'd you serve in Nam?" asks the bartender. "I didn't." "Then how could it have ruined your life?" "My wife's first husband was killed there." Many many many more tasteless and politically incorrect jokes inside.

What do clouds wear when it's raining? Thunderwear. What time is it when 12 people go skiing? Winter. What do you call a one day old dog? A puppy. When did George Washington die? Four days before they buried him. A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a BLT. He enjoys his sandwich, but when the waiter brings the bill he pulls out a gun and kills him. Then he walks out without paying. The manager chases and catches him and asks, "Who do you think you are? You kill my waiter and then leave without paying?" "I'm a panda bear." "So?" The panda hands the manager a dictionary, "Look up panda." "Lemme see, lemme see. Here we go: Panda. Eats shoots and leaves." Why are fish so thin? Because they eat fish. What do Kermit the Frog and Smokey the Bear have in common? The same middle name What medical condition actually helps you run faster? Athletes foot. What's the quickest way to get a sick pig to the hospital? In a ham-bulance. Why isn't Dracula welcome at the bloodmobile? Because he always wants to make a withdrawal. What is the laziest part of any car? The wheels; they are always tired. What did one car muffler say to the other muffler? "Boy, am I exhausted." What did the jack say to the car? "May I give you a lift?" What has cities with no houses, rivers with no water, and forests with no trees? A roadmap. "Hey waiter," said the customer, "do you serve crabs here?" "Of course we do. Sit right down." Why did the cucumber need a lawyer? He was in a pickle. Why do ministers like Swiss cheese? Because it's so holy. Who's the only person more flexible than a ballerina who can lift her leg over her head? A sailor who can sit on his own chest. Why did the blueberry need a lawyer? It was in a jam. If you eat half of a cookie what do you have? An angry bake shop owner. What sandwich lies the most? Baloney. What do you call rollerbladers who chat on the computer? Online skaters. Why did the thief steal the deck of cards? He heard there were 13 diamonds in it. Why couldn't the sailors play cards? Because the Captain was standing on the deck. Why'd the crook hold up the river? It had two banks. What lives in the ocean, has eight legs and robs banks? Billy the Squid. How can you start a fire with just one stick? Make sure it's a match. A man hadn't slept for seven days but wasn't even tired. Why? He slept at night. Where does a shoe go during the summer? Boot camp. What do you call someone with size 12 feet, dark sunglasses, and curly hair who takes a plane from Chicago to Los Angeles? A passenger. Where do pilots keep their personal belongings? In air pockets. Which people travel the fastest? Russians. Which people travel the most? Romans. What do you call an egg that travels to unknown places? An eggs-plorer. How do hairdressers travel? By hairplane. How does a pizza travel? By pie-cycle. How does a tugboat show affection? It hugs the shore. What did the explorers say after being in the jungle for one week? "Safari so good." What musical instrument is best for catching fish? Castanets. How did the new kid at school realize that the food in the cafeteria was horrible before he even took a bite? The teacher told him to always be sure and pray before he ate. "Hello, I need to speak to the principal." "This is the principal speaking." I'm calling to tell you that John Roberts cannot come to school today because he has a very bad case of mumps." "Who is this?" "This is my father." How are a rude person and a school that is closed for the summer similar? Both have no class. Why'd the soccer players get such good grades in school? They know how to use their heads. When should you bring your dad to school? Whenever you have a pop quiz. Many, many more kidz jokes inside....

No matter how intense or honest or pure our desire to become a writer it ultimately comes down to having talent, developing your particular level of talent, or giving up. And it doesn't matter what the public is reading, what Oprah is recommending, or how you feel. If you are a writer you'll start writing that book and you'll finish it. Then whether it sells or not--whether it's published or not--you'll finish another. And another. And another. If you don't you're not a writer. This isn't a particularly comfortable or encouraging proposition and the fact that it might result in a lifetime of toil that ends in debt and obscurity doesn't, however unfair, make it any less true. When I seriously considered quitting writing I realized the crater left behind could never be filled with familial bliss, money, Irish whiskey, or vacations. In the end it doesn't matter if my books are bestsellers or any-kind-of-sellers; it only matters that they be written. Anything less would be a waste of my life. God help me, I'm a writer. And, God help me again, reading little nuggets of wisdom from other writers are sometimes the only thing that gets me to scribble another word, sentence, or paragraph. Pathetic, but here are 906 of my favorites.

Captain John Wryght, USAF is piloting the Bandler Deep Probe 9 when the spaceship encounters three unembodied aliens. The DP-9 is contaminated and John initiates the craft's self-destruct sequence. But billionaire Richard Bandler overrides the billion-dollar-vessel's self-destruction and the DP-9 returns to earth, evanescent aliens and all. These pure-energy aliens realize that, in order to interact with the earthlings, they must assume a corporeal form. Knowing that every human who ever existed came into being through the birth canal, they presume that by taking the form of the human pudenda they will be universally welcomed. They are really, really wrong. These benign Teenaged Pussies From Outer Space cause hysteria and havoc and draw the attention of the US Armed Forces. They are fired upon by soldiers, tanks, airplanes and missiles until, through no fault of their own, the three cutest little space invaders since E.T. morph into huge-and-fearsome Mother-in-Law muffs that are on the verge of ending civilization as we know it. Unless Captain John Wryght, his brilliant and beautiful scientist fiancee, and a band of assorted misfits in a Winnebago can stop them in time. Bonus: This edition contains Study Questions For Readers' Groups.

What's worse than having your doctor tell you have gonorrhea? Having your dentist tell you. The doctor said, "I want you to strip, walk to the open window, then wave your cock-and-balls around." "Do they need air?" "Not really. I just hate that asshole lawyer across the breezeway." Why do surgeons wear masks during operations? So if they fuck up no one can ID them. Why are lawyers buried 30 feet under the ground? Because down deep they're probably alright. "You need to eat a high fiber diet," the doctor told the heart patient, "quit smoking, and get some exercise." "What about sex?" "Just with your wife. We don't want you getting too excited." What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? A vulture can't remove his wingtips. A man arrives at the emergency room; the doctor approaches him and says, "Your wife's been in a terrible car accident, she's a paraplegic and brain-dead. You'll have to spend the rest of your life caring for her." "But doc, I'm only 25 years old. She might live another 60 years; I can't spend the rest of my life taking care of an invalid." "You won't have to," says the doctor. "I was just fucking with you. She's dead." Two lawyers hire a stunning new secretary and a contest begins between them to bed her. They both end up sleeping with her the day of the Christmas party and meet afterwards for drinks and bragging rights. "So how do you rate her cocksucking?" asks the first partner. "My wife is better." "You're right." How do you save a lawyer from drowning? Take your foot off his head. A couple visit a sex therapist who asks the wife, "What do you think is the biggest problem with your sex life?" "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation." "Is this true?" the therapist asks the husband. "I don't actually suffer," he replies. "She does." How does a lawyer say "Fuck you"? "Trust me." A lawyer said to his client on death row, "I've got good news and bad news." "What's the bad news?" "You're going to the electric chair tomorrow." "What's the good news?" "I got the voltage reduced." A doctor and his wife are out for a walk. A streetwalker says, "Good afternoon, Doctor Kiley." Before his wife can say anything, he says, "Don't worry. I know her professionally." She asks, "Your profession or hers?" Ben Affleck goes to the doctor and says, "You gotta help me, doctor. Every time I see myself in the mirror I get an erection." "That's because," says the doctor, "you're a pussy." Did you hear about the female lawyer who moonlighted as a hooker? She was a prostituting attorney. How do you sleep like an attorney? First you lie on one side and, then you lie on the other. What's brown and black and looks great on a lawyer? A Doberman. What's 15 inches long and dangles in front of an asshole? A lawyer's tie. A baby boy was born weighing ten pounds, but his testicles weighed five pounds. When the doctor told his mom he'd have to be placed in a mental institution she said, "Why?" The doctor said, "He's half nuts." What does a lawyer use for birth control? His personality. The doctor says, "I have bad news and worse news." "What's the bad news?" "You have one month to live." "What's the worse news?" "It's February." What do you need when you have seven lawyers up to their necks in quicksand? More quicksand. A doctor phones his patient, "I have good news and bad news." "What's the good news?" "You have 72 hours to live." "What's the bad news?" "I forgot to call you yesterday." What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit? The bucket. Why don't lawyers vacation at the beach? Cats bury them in the sand. Many many more doctor and lawyer jokes inside.

Why doesn't Smokey Bear have any children? Because every time his wife gets hot he throws dirt on her and beats her with a shovel. A lady brings her Schnauzer to the vets. The receptionist asks her what's wrong with the dog. The lady shows her the dog's ear, which has an ingrown hair. "I'll save you some money," says the receptionist. "Just go down to the drug store and get some hair remover and rub it on the dog's ear. You won't need to see the doctor." "Thanks." She goes to the drug store and says to the clerk, "Do you have hair remover?" "What kind, lotion or spray?" "What's the difference?" "You use the lotion for armpits. Rub it on and wait five minutes. Rub it off. But don't wear anything tight-fitting for a day." "It's not for my armpits." "Then use the spray for your legs. Spray it on. Wait. Wash it off. But don't wear nylons for a day." "It's not for my legs either." Confused, the clerk says, "What is it for?" "It's for my little Schnauzer." "Use the lotion. But don't ride a bike for a couple of days." Why can't worms dance? They don't have any balls. Why don't roosters wear boxer shorts? Their peckers are on their faces. What do you get when you cross a rooster with an owl? A cock that stays up all night. What's green and smells like pork? Kermit the Frog's dick. Why do male rabbits fuck so quietly? They've got cotton balls. What do you call a group of rabbits all jumping backwards in unison? A receding hare line. Why does Miss Piggy douche with vinegar and honey? Because Kermit loves sweet-and-sour pork. Why do dogs lick their balls? Because they can. Why did the horny rooster cross the gymnasium? He heard the ref was blowing fouls. What does a man do standing up that a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? Shake hands. Why don't lobsters play well with others? They're shellfish. A worm comes up from a hole and sees another worm. He says, "Wanna fuck?" "I'm your other end, dipshit." "What's the most unusual pet you have?" asked the lady. "I have a frog that," said the pet store owner, "loves to eat pussy." "I'll take it." She's back the next day, "I want my money back." "Why?" "He didn't eat anything except some flies." "You must be doing something wrong. Let's go to your place." They do and he says, "Show me exactly what you did." She takes off her clothes, sits on the bed and places the frog in front of her twat. Nothing. The guy picks the frog up, hands it to the woman. He kneels in front of her spread legs and says to the frog, "This is the last time I'm going to show you." An American is touring Scotland by bicycle when he sees a man with his kilt hiked up, fucking a sheep. The American stops and the Scot says, "What are you staring at, Yank?" "We have sheep in our country, but we don't do that to them." "What do you do to sheep in your country, laddie?" "We shear them." "Get your own; I'm not shearing with nobody." Many many many more filthy, x-rated animal jokes inside...

Davis O'Kane is embroiled in an IRS audit, a divorce, a burgeoning romance, a harrowing relapse into gambling addiction, and an accumulation of dead friends and acquaintances. The cops want answers but Davis has only more questions. Add to this Nevada high-desert drama a crooked horse race, a bitter custody battle for his twin daughters, and a scientific scheme to beat the roulette wheel and you have Fish Stories.

TANTRIC ZOO begins at a tantric sex retreat in 1987. Amid the cavorting and indulging and groping and exploring one of the campers ends up dead. The surviving sex campers bury the body and return to their lives. Until 2008 when the body is discovered and forensic anthropologist Bud Warhol tracks the campers down. Bud finds the murderer but also discovers how two decades of guilt has altered and affected the lives of everyone involved with the Tantric Zoo.

Darren Elmore has it all: beautiful wife, status, profitable vineyards and winery in Sonoma County. But it isn't enough. He has always wanted-needed-to know what it feels like to kill a man. So Darren chooses an unknown victim on a lonely road and indulges in a thrill kill. And he gets away with murder. Until a blackmailer shows up. Then Darren's own life and livelihood is threatened unless he pays. Now.

The essays in this book were written over the last four years and published in various, mostly small and obscure, publications. Their common themes are, now that I've seen them all together: Contradiction and Survival. Contradiction: I say in one essay that I've given up writing non-fiction articles (like the ones collected here) to concentrate on fiction. Then, in a later essay, I speak of shotgunning out 30 article proposals in 30 days. I also flip-flop and waffle on the importance of marketing and critique groups. This isn't because I can't make up my mind, it's because writing is a contrary, contradictory business. Which, for me, is part of its allure: not knowing what tomorrow may bring. Survival: Writing is a difficult, lonely business and if the 15 pieces here have served as nothing but personal pep talks they have served me well. I hope you enjoy them. At the least I've discovered a surefire method of surviving the pains, twinges and frustrations of writing professionally. I can always write about it.

A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR.... is the result of twenty years of research. It is, quite simply, the definitive single-volume collection of modern American adult humor: An old man walks into a bar and the barkeep says, "What's new?" The old guy says, "I think my wife died." "You think?" "Yeah. The sex is the same but the dishes are piling up." A man arrives at the emergency room; the doctor approaches him and says, "Your wife's been in a terrible car accident, she's a paraplegic and brain-dead. You'll have to spend the rest of your life caring for her." "But doc, I'm only 25 years old. She might live another 60 years; I can't spend the rest of my life taking care of an invalid." "You won't have to," says the doctor. "I was just fucking with you. She's dead." A man who just moved to Seattle walks into the local bar and orders a triple scotch. "Troubles?" asks the bartender. "I think my wife is having an affair with a younger man." "Why do you think that?" "Because we just moved to Seattle from Dallas and we have the same paperboy." A man walks into a bar and says, "Champagne for everybody. On me." "What are you celebrating?" asks the bartender. "I've just discovered why women have pubic hair." "Why?" "It hides the hook." The weekly poker game was at Bob's but he had to baby sit his six year old twin boys. Before they could even deal Bob was off to the other room three times. He returned and another racket ensued. So Randy said, "I'll take care of it." Randy returned and there was silence for an hour. Bob said, "What'd you do, start a movie?" "No," said Randy, "I taught them how to masturbate." What's the most difficult part about roller blading? Telling your parents that you're gay. A teenager goes in for her first gynecological examination. While propped up in the stirrups she asks, "Will this hurt?" "Not if I numb it first." "Okay. Why don't you numb it." The doctor ducks down between her thighs and starts licking, "Num, num, num, num, num." A man walks into the OB-GYN's office and says, "I need some birth control pills." "You," says the doctor, "are a man." "They're not for me, they're for my nine year old daughter." "You have a nine year old daughter that's sexually active?" "I wouldn't actually say active; she just lays there like her mother." What's the difference between a blonde and a washing machine? After you dump a load in a washing machine it doesn't follow you around for a week. Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear miniskirts? Cuz they freeze their balls off. What part of the man's body should never move while dancing with a woman? His bowels. What do women and dog shit have in common? The older they are the easier they are to pick up. Bob calls in sick to work and his boss asks, "Just how sick are you?" "I'm fucking my grandma in the ass, is that sick enough for you?" A couple has a lovely dinner and then they settle down in front of a fire with two glasses of champagne. "You know," she says, "That scab will never heal if you keep picking at it." "Hey," he says, "it's your lip." The father of a girl with no arms or legs pays his next door neighbor's son to take her to the prom. The girl's dad springs for dinner and a tuxedo as well. After the prom the boy says to the girl, "What do you want to do now?" "I want to make love." "How can we do that? You don't have any arms or legs." "Take me to the park across the street from my house, strip me naked, prop me up on the monkey bars and fuck me from behind." They do it just like that; then he dresses her, puts her in the wheelchair and pushes her back across the street. Her father answers the door and thanks the boy profusely, slipping him an extra $20. "I feel like shit," says the boy, "I just took your daughter's clothes off, wedged her into the monkey bars and fucked her. Keep the $20." "No, you keep it. Most guys just leave her on the monkey bars all night and I have to go get her in the morning." Many many more

A young woman enters the confessional and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Last night I made love to a complete stranger seven times." "Go home and squeeze the juice of seven lemons into a small glass and drink it down as quickly as you can." "Will that wash away my sins?" No, but it will take that smile off your face." Why don't Baptists fuck standing up? They're afraid it might lead to dancing. Three men arrive at the Pearly Gates at the same time and St. Peter says, "Religion?" "Methodist." "Door six, but be quiet as you pass door four." To the second man: "Religion?" "Jewish." "Door seven, but be quiet as you pass door four." To the third: "Religion?" "Hindu." "Door two, but be quiet as you pass door four." "Why do you tell everyone to be quiet passing door four?" "That's the Evangelical Christian door and they think they are the only ones up here." On the seventh day God sat back, admiring his creation. "I think it's perfect," he said to the angel Gabriel. "Not quite perfect, my Lord," said Gabriel. "How so?" "Shouldn't the humans have differing sets of genitalia just like the animals?" God pondered for a moment. Then he said, "You're absolutely right. I think I'll give the dumb one a cunt." What's the difference between a circumcision and a crucifixion? With a crucifixion they throw away the entire Jew. What's the best way to make God laugh? Tell her all your plans. During her prayers one night a teacher asked God why there was so much violence in American schools. A light shone into her bedroom and a voice boomed: "I don't know. I'm not allowed in American schools." Why did Mary Magdalene want to have sex with Jesus? She wanted to experience his Second Coming. Why do guys attend church Sunday mornings after sowing their wild oats on Saturday nights? To pray for crop failure. A man walks into a bar and orders a glass of chardonnay. "Here's a new joke," he says to the bartender, "two Jews are walking down the street-" "I'm Jewish," says the bartender, "and I'm tired of hearing Jewish jokes. Pick on some other religion." "Okay. Two Buddhists are walking down the street. One says to the other, 'So there we were, at my nephew's bar mitzvah...'" Sister Donna asked her fifth grade class, what they wanted to be when they grew up. Suzie said, "I'd like to be a doctor." Bobby said, and "I want to be a policeman." Leslie said, "I'm going to be a prostitute." The shocked nun said, "What did you say?" "I'm going to be a prostitute," said Leslie. "Well, thank God," said the nun. "I thought you said you're going to be a Protestant." How do Catholics make money on hot summer days? They freeze Holy Water and sell them as Pope-sickles. A man says to his Rabbi, "I think my wife is trying to serve me poisoned Passover cake." "I'll talk with her," says the Rabbi. "Thank you." The next day the Rabbi calls, "I talked to your wife for three hours and I know exactly what you should do." "What's that?" "Eat the cake." Adolf Hitler asks his astrologer, "When will I die?" "On a Jewish Holiday." "Why a Jewish holiday?" "Any day you die will be a Jewish holiday." Father Murphy hears a knock on the door at midnight. He gets up, opens the door, but doesn't see anyone. Then he looks down and sees two little leprechauns. "Good evening Father. I have a question for you." "Fine." "Do you have any leprechaun nuns in the parish?" asks a leprechaun. "No we don't." "How long have you, yourself been a priest?" "Forty years." "In that 40 year time span, have you yourself ever seen or heard of a leprechaun nun?" "No I haven't." One leprechaun turned to the other and says, "We'll just have to face it Clancy. We just fucked a couple of penguins." Adam was so lonely that he asked the Lord for a mate. The Lord said, "For the perfect companion, compatible in every way, it'll cost you an arm and a leg." Adam said, "What can I get for a rib?" Many many more jokes inside

Norman Babbit never thought seventh grade would be like this When Norman skipped a grade and entered junior high a year early he thought his life would be great. But the school bully forces Norman to do his homework, his younger sister is a brat, his English teacher hates him, his older brother is trying to fill in for his deceased father, and his mother thinks all Norman's problems are dietary. If it weren't for his best friend Chris and his pet owl Luigi, Norman would go crazy. With the deadline for his science project approaching as fast as a showdown with the bully, the smartest kid in Petaluma simply has too many problems and no solutions.

An old man living at the retirement home was attracted to an old lady, also living at the home. One evening after lights out, he has a couple shots of Scotch and sneaks down the hall. Fortified by his liquid courage he says, "I wanna fuck you." "Well," she says, "everyone else is asleep, so, what the hell." "How do you like to do it?" "I really like it when a man goes down on me," she says. He lifts up her nightie, takes off her panties and starts yodeling in the gully. He comes up about 15 seconds later with a disgusted look on his face. "I'm sorry, I just can't do this. Something smells fucking rotten down there." She said, "It must be my arthritis." He said, "You can't get arthritis in your vagina, and even so it wouldn't cause that horrible smell." She said, "The arthritis is in my shoulder. I can't wipe." What's 60 feet long and smells like piss? The conga line in a nursing home. An older couple makes an appointment to see their doctor. "What's wrong?" asks the doctor. "We're from a different generation than you and we have problems talking about sex," says the lady. "Perhaps we could show you?" The doctor curses silently under his breath, but then remembers his Hippocratic Oath, and says, "Certainly." So they strip naked, hop up on the examining table and fuck like teenagers. They get dressed and the man says, "Huh, it didn't happen that time. Perhaps we should make an appointment for next week." They come back week after week after week: fucking like bunny rabbits every time until the doctor says, "What's really going on here?" The lady says, "When we do it at my house, my husband beats us up. When we do it at his house his wife throws cold water on us. A nice motel costs $80; a fleabag hotel costs $40, but you have a $12 co-pay and my insurance covers the rest." A minister married a considerably younger woman. On their wedding night he excused himself and went into the bathroom to slip into some pajamas. He exited the bathroom and saw his new wife naked and spread-eagled on the bed. "Darling," he said, "I thought we'd start our married life with me on your knees at the foot of the bed." "Okay. But that position always gives me gas." An elderly couple is hit by a bus and goes to heaven. St. Peter ushers them in and gives them a guided tour of their eternal resting place. "Here's the golf course. There's the swimming pool. There's your condo. If you need anything press the button for room service and an angel will deliver it." St. Peter leaves and the old man turns to his wife and says, "Screw you " "What's your problem? This is fantastic." "Yes, it is. And if it wasn't for those vitamins and all that fucking oat bran you fed me I'd have been here 15 years ago." Three generations of the Collins family were getting ready to tee off one Sunday when the threesome was joined by a beautiful, young female golfer. Before they could introduce themselves the young lady said, "Listen, I'm a two handicap so I don't need any of your patronizing petty male-chauvinist-bullshit advice. So just leave me the fuck alone." "Okay," said Grandpa Collins. "Okay," said Mr. Collins. "Okay," said Junior. The foursome teed off and played the first 17 holes. On the par five 18th the female golfer blasted a 290 yard tee shot, then hit a long iron to the fringe. The Collins boys reached the green a few shots later. She said, "I'm sorry if I was rude earlier, but if I sink this I'll break par for the first time in my life. I need some help, and," she added, "if your advice pays off I'll give my coach the best knee-buckling blowjob they've ever had." "Well," said Junior, "I'd pitch-and-run with a seven iron." "I'd putt it," said Mr. Collins, "and let the natural break run it up to the hole." Grandpa dropped his pants and waved his dick, "Pick it up. It's a gimme." Many Many Many jokes more inside

"The man next to me is jacking off," said the blonde to her girlfriend as they sat in the movie theater. "Ignore him." "I can't," said the blonde. "He's using my hand." How do we know that God isn't blonde? If she were, sperm would taste like chocolate. What are Vanna White's favorite consonants? North and South America. What do you call two blondes standing on either side of a friend with a broken leg? Support hos. Why'd the blonde get fired from the sperm bank? Drinking on the job Why'd the blond give up moose hunting? The decoys were too heavy. What is gross stupidity? 144 blondes. Why'd the blonde fail Biology? Instead of dissecting frogs she was busy opening flies. "What's the difference," the nun asked the class, "between fornication and adultery?" "I've tried both," said the blonde, "and actually they are pretty similar." "I don't know what you see in him," said the brunette, "he's just an everyday kind of guy." The blonde replied, "What more could you ask for?" Why aren't blondes pharmacists? Because they can't get those little bottles into the typewriters. Did you hear about the blonde admiral who wanted to be buried at sea? Three of his sons drowned digging the grave. The blonde went to the campus clinic and had the intern remove a wad of red wax from her belly button. "How ever," asked the intern, "did you acquire a lump of wax in your belly button?" "My boyfriend eats by candlelight." "What do you take for a sore throat?" one blonde asked a brunette. "I just suck on a Life Saver." "That's easy for you; you live at the beach." A coed reminiscing about her childhood asked her blonde roommate, "Did you play with jacks when you were little?" "Yes. And Paul's, Chuck's, Bobby's..." A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead walked into the women's locker room after a workout. Suddenly an erect cock protruded from a shower stall. The redhead said, "That's not my husband." The brunette said, "That's not my husband or my lover." The blonde said, "He's not even a member of this club." How did the boss know that his new secretary was a blonde? The white-out on the computer screen. Did you hear about the blonde who moved from California to Mississippi? She raised the IQ of both states. How'd the blonde hemophiliac die? She tried acupuncture. A blonde said to her analyst: "Every time I drink I end up in a three-way or a gang-fuck and I feel guilty about it for weeks." "It's obvious that you have to quit drinking." "Can't you just do something about the guilt?" At the New Year's Eve party one blonde said to the other, "If I'm not in bed by midnight I'm going home." A blonde goes to heaven and St. Peter says, "Cause of death?" "Herpes." "You don't die from herpes." "You do when you give it to Big Dave." What do blondes call underwear? Ankle warmers. Why do blondes have two sets of lips? So they can piss and moan at the same time. What do you call a blonde pulling off her pantyhose? Foreplay. What do you call a blonde with genital herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, and AIDS? An incurable romantic. Did you hear about the blonde who set her pussy on fire on the Fourth of July? She lit the fuse to her tampon. Did you hear about the blonde that went fishing with 14 guys? They all limited out; all she got was a red snapper. Why'd the blonde spend 20 minutes staring at the orange juice carton? Because it said Concentrate. An American blonde in France is raped by a gang of twelve men. The local police chief is shocked and embarrassed and says, "We will, madam, apprehend all twelve suspects." "Don't bother," she says. "Just get number two, number seven and number nine." "Mother?" asked the new bride, "how can I make my new husband happy?" "Love," said the mother, "can be a beautiful bond between two people who respect each other's needs..." I know how to fuck, mom," said the girl. "I want you to teach me how to make meatloaf." Many many more blonde jokes inside.

Winner of the Mystery Novel Award. . . Davis O'Kane thought his fall from grace had reached its lowest point, with an impending divorce and a custody battle for his twin daughters, but then he finds a dead body in his restaurant, and his world sinks as deep as a Uranium pit in the high desert of Nightingale, Nevada. Nightingale is a place where high stakes gamblers and rednecks belly up to the bar with high-priced hookers and federal agents. High Steaks propels the reader into the realm of crooked horse racing, cheating the roulette wheel, and murder as hot as a Nevada summer, set against a backdrop of the town's first contested mayoral race in decades. Follow Davis as he unravels the murder and pulls himself up from the brink of despair.