A selection of insights into the relationship between men and women
Have you wondered: Why women are more sympathetic than men toward
O. J. Simpson? Why women were no more supportive of the Equal
Rights Amendment than men? Why women are no more likely than men to
support a female political candidate? Why women are no more likely
than men to embrace feminism-a movement by, about, and for women?
Why some women stay with men who abuse them? Loving to Survive
addresses just these issues and poses a surprising answer. Likening
women's situation to that of hostages, Dee L. R. Graham and her co-
authors argue that women bond with men and adopt men's perspective
in an effort to escape the threat of men's violence against them.
Dee Graham's announcement, in 1991, of her research on male-female
bonding was immediately followed by a national firestorm of media
interest. Her startling and provocative conclusion was covered in
dozens of national newspapers and heatedly debated. In Loving to
Survive, Graham provides us with a complete account of her
remarkable insights into relationships between men and women. In
1973, three women and one man were held hostage in one of the
largest banks in Stockholm by two ex-convicts. These two men
threatened their lives, but also showed them kindness. Over the
course of the long ordeal, the hostages came to identify with their
captors, developing an emotional bond with them. They began to
perceive the police, their prospective liberators, as their
enemies, and their captors as their friends, as a source of
security. This seemingly bizarre reaction to captivity, in which
the hostages and captors mutually bond to one another, has been
documented in other cases as well, and has become widely known as
Stockholm Syndrome. The authors of this book take this syndrome as
their starting point to develop a new way of looking at male-female
relationships. Loving to Survive considers men's violence against
women as crucial to understanding women's current psychology. Men's
violence creates ever-present, and therefore often unrecognized,
terror in women. This terror is often experienced as a fear for any
woman of rape by any man or as a fear of making any man angry. They
propose that women's current psychology is actually a psychology of
women under conditions of captivitythat is, under conditions of
terror caused by male violence against women. Therefore, women's
responses to men, and to male violence, resemble hostages'
responses to captors. Loving to Survive explores women's bonding to
men as it relates to men's violence against women. It proposes
that, like hostages who work to placate their captors lest they
kill them, women work to please men, and from this springs women's
femininity. Femininity describes a set of behaviors that please men
because they communicate a woman's acceptance of her subordinate
status. Thus, feminine behaviors are, in essence, survival
strategies. Like hostages who bond to their captors, women bond to
men in an effort to survive. This is a book that will forever
change the way we look at male-female relationships and women's
lives.
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