The Deep-Rooted Marriage, Cultivating Intimacy, Healing and Delight

Every relationship has its highs and lows, but we often don't know what to do with our "lows," or how we ended up there. What is creating friction, exacerbating our pain, and standing in the way of intimacy?

More often than not, it is the stories of our past drifting into the present. But if we are willing to look at them closely, we will be able to write a new story for the future.

With more than seventy years of therapeutic experience combined, Dan Allender and Steve Call demonstrate how God is inviting you and your partner to a wild faith journey with the hope of transformation. With personal stories, key psychological insights, and practical advice, The Deep-Rooted Marriage will help you:

• Address past trauma, giving you greater courage and compassion to engage your present struggles.
• Disrupt cycles of conflict based on shame, judgment, and resentment.
• Create safety when feeling threatened and offer attunement, empathy, and honour toward differences.
• Adopt humility, honesty, kindness, curiosity, defiance against what divides, and intention to bless.
• Learn practices that cultivate emotional intimacy, generating new goodness between you and beyond you.

Marriage is not about merely getting along or resolving conflict through compromise. It reveals who you are and invites you to who you can become. Marriage offers a space for you to experience what you are made for—honour and delight. And it is the ground from which redemption is meant to grow, where, together, you can reflect God's image more and experience a taste of heaven.

We all want to know our lives matter. So did the Teacher in Ecclesiastes. He invested time and energy in every activity he could think of that might bring meaning and purpose to his life but found only disappointment, frustration, hopelessness. In our thirst for significance we, like the Teacher, give our lives--our time, talents, strength, heart--to anything we think will give us worth and purpose: Power. Relationships. Money. Pleasure. Work. But worshiping these idols has a high cost--and still doesn't bring the fulfillment we long for. In Breaking the Idols of Your Heart Dan Allender and Tremper Longman illuminate for us the Teacher's warnings and, after all his activities, his final radiant conclusion: Meaning and purpose come only when God is truly the center of our life and the object of our hope. Using a compelling fictional narrative at the start of each chapter to encourage reflection on our own life and the lives of family and friends, the authors lead us through Ecclesiastes to help us recognize and exchange cheap pursuits for the only One worth pursuing. Ecclesiastes is not an easy book to read, because transferring our worship from money, power and fame to God is not an easy road to travel. But as the Teacher discovered and wrote down for us, it leads to one conclusion: life lived abundantly, in freedom, hope, purpose, meaning.

This companion workbook to The Wounded Heart will help you work through the complex issues of sexual abuse in a concrete way by leading you step-by-step through the process of change. It also includes specific sections for men, ideas for discussion-group facilitators, and reflective quotations from fellow strugglers with sexual abuse.

Find freedom and healing from painful memories and relational struggles and learn how your past has uniquely prepared you to experience more joy.

Tragedy and pain inevitably touch our lives in some way. We long to feel whole, but more often than not, the way we've learned to deal with our wounds pushes us away from the very restoration we need most. Renowned psychologist Dr. Dan Allender and counselor and teacher Cathy Loerzel present a life-changing process of true connection and healing with ourselves, God, and others.

With a clear, biblically trustworthy method, Allender and Loerzel walk you through a journey of profound inner transformation--from the shame and hurt of old emotional wounds to true freedom and healing. Drawn from modern research and their pioneering work at The Allender Center, they will help you identify your core trauma in one of the three outcast archetypes--the widow, orphan, or stranger--and chart your path of growth into the God-given roles of priest, prophet, or leader.

This book will help you learn:

• What to do about feeling out-of-place and directionless
• How your coping mechanisms create a false sense of health
• How to embrace your divine calling and find lasting reconciliation
• How your heart wounds are your unique invitation to true strength and purpose.

Your past pain does not dictate your life. Answer the call to healing and discover your life's beautiful story and a future of hope and freedom.

First published in 1989, Dan Allender's The Wounded Heart has helped hundreds of thousands of people come to terms with sexual abuse in their past. Now, more than twenty-five years later, Allender has written a brand-new book on the subject that takes into account recent discoveries about the lasting physical, emotional, relational, and spiritual ramifications of sexual abuse. With great compassion Allender offers hope for victims of rape, date rape, incest, molestation, sexting, sexual bullying, unwanted advances, pornography, and more, exposing the raw wounds that are left behind and clearing the path toward wholeness and healing. Never minimizing victims' pain or offering pat spiritual answers that don't truly address the problem, he instead calls evil evil and lights the way to renewed joy. Counselors, pastors, and friends of those who have suffered sexual harm will find in this book the deep spiritual guidance they need to effectively minister to the sexually broken around them. Victims themselves will find here a sympathetic friend to walk alongside them on the road to healing.

We live in a sexually mad world where God's gift of sex has been distorted through pornography, promiscuity, prostitution, abuse, trafficking, and rape. The church's position on sexual matters has been made clear throughout history: all sexual activity outside the boundaries of Christian marriage is sin. But rarely has the church honestly addressed the true needs of Christians who are struggling with sexual desires they believe to be counter to the Bible. So we hide our struggles and pretend to live above the erotic fray, or else we cozy up to the culture's redefinition of which sins are acceptable. But what does the Bible really say about sexual desire and sexual intimacy?
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God Loves Sex "offers a truly liberating, godly view of holy sensuality by recovering the clear meaning of the Song of Songs as God-sanctioned eroticism. Then it uses that lens to answer questions posed by a fictional new Christian struggling with expectations of sexual purity. It asks provocative questions, such as "What does it mean to be both holy and filled with rich sexual desire?" and "How can our sexual struggles take us deeper into the purposes of God?
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Pairing psychological insight with sound biblical scholarship, Allender and Longman bring it all out into the open, allowing Christians of any age and any marital status to discover sex the way God meant it to be.

What do you want out of your marriage? Do you simply want to get along and be happy? Or do you desire real intimacy--the kind of relationship that will challenge you to grow as an individual and satisfy you in a much deeper way than you have imagined? Contrary to what television and bridal magazines tell us, marriage is about much more than personal happiness. Marriage is about spiritual growth. God wants to use your marriage to shape your character and to carry out his purposes in the world through you as a couple. The book of Genesis provides a matrix for understanding the intimate mystery of marriage in light of three commands--leave (your family of origin), weave (a life together) and cleave (through sexual intimacy). In this book, Dan Allender and Tremper Longman III explore and unpack the rich implications of this pattern. While this paper edition can be read on its own, a couple, Bible study group or Sunday school class can enhance their understanding by making their way through the bonus six Bible study sessions included in this expanded edition. Video segments introducing each of the Bible study sessions are also available online for free video download, making this book a complete small group curriculum. The Intimate Mystery is part of the Intimate Marriage Curriculum Kit which includes everything needed to mentor individual married couples or to lead a group discussion and makes an especially helpful resource for newlyweds or young married couples.

First published in 1989, Dan Allender's The Wounded Heart has helped hundreds of thousands of people come to terms with sexual abuse in their past. Now, more than twenty-five years later, Allender has written a brand-new book on the subject that takes into account recent discoveries about the lasting physical, emotional, relational, and spiritual ramifications of sexual abuse. With great compassion Allender offers hope for victims of rape, date rape, incest, molestation, sexting, sexual bullying, unwanted advances, pornography, and more, exposing the raw wounds that are left behind and clearing the path toward wholeness and healing. Never minimizing victims' pain or offering pat spiritual answers that don't truly address the problem, he instead calls evil evil and lights the way to renewed joy. Counselors, pastors, and friends of those who have suffered sexual harm will find in this book the deep spiritual guidance they need to effectively minister to the sexually broken around them. Victims themselves will find here a sympathetic friend to walk alongside them on the road to healing.

What would you do for twenty-four hours if the only criteria were to pursue your deepest joy?

Dan Allender's lyrical book about the Sabbath expels the myriad myths about this "day of rest," starting with the one that paints the Sabbath as a day of forced quiet, spiritual exercises, and religious devotion and attendance. This, he says, is at odds with the ancient tradition of Sabbath as a day of delight for both body and soul. Instead, the only way we can make use of the Sabbath is to see God's original intent for the day with new eyes. In "Sabbath," Allender builds a case for delight by looking at this day as a festival that celebrates God's re-creative, redemptive love using four components:

Sensual glory and beautyRitualCommunal feastingPlayfulness

Now you can experience the delight of the Sabbath as you never have before--a day in which you receive and extend reconciliation, peace, abundance, and joy.

The Ancient Practices

There is a hunger in every human heart for connection, primitive and raw, to God. To satisfy it, many are beginning to explore traditional spiritual disciplines used for centuries . . . everything from fixed-hour prayer to fasting to sincere observance of the Sabbath. Compelling and readable, the Ancient Practices series is for every spiritual sojourner, for every Christian seeker who wants more.

2016 IVP Readers' Choice Award "Biblical spirituality . . . asserts that God is not done with the business of revelation and creation but instead continues to have something to say and something yet to be accomplished in the very culture that isn't sure if God is done speaking." So begins Keith Anderson as he invites us on a journey to relearn how to listen. "My claim is simple: spirituality is grounded in ordinary life experiences. We need to learn to listen to rhythms of life, narratives and creation." Rather than settling for a one-sided relationship with God in which we speak but never hear back, we can learn to hear God as we go through our lives. The key is paying attention to the moments that make up our days. As we participate in the world around us, God speaks to us through creation, through the stories we tell, through our pain and as we follow God down unexpected pathways. Learning to listen doesn't happen in ten easy steps. Instead it is a process of approaching the world with wonder and curiosity as we seek to make sense of what we hear. Hearing God speak takes time and practice, and Anderson offers reflective exercises at the end of each chapter to help us along the way. Listen-and step into a world alive with God's presence.

According to Drs. Larry Crabb and Dan Allender, encouragement is more than a compliment or a pat on the back. It's a skill that can be mastered by anyone. Crabb and Allender ask: "What must we know in order to fulfill the biblical exhortation to 'encourage one another?'" Encouragement provides the answer. Part one deals with understanding encouragement, and part two explores the process of encouragement, including such practical how-tos as developing a careful selection of encouraging words; cultivating active listening skills; using biblical fellowship to move beyond superficial smiles and shallow greetings; and recognizing subtle opportunities for encouragement. Without the encouragement of a caring community, biblical truth taught in church tends to just thicken people's defense layers. But authenticity, freedom, and greater love for God and others are the fruit of encouragement, and evidence of the tremendous power God invests in individuals who practice it.

For those who have experienced childhood sexual abuse and those who love and care for them, The Wounded Heart offers a tender, compassionate window into the psychological effects of abuse and the theological foundations for healing.

Thirty years ago, with great courage and vision, Dan Allender brought Christians to the table to acknowledge, understand, and help victims heal from their experience of the evil of sexual abuse. His work continues to help victims and those who love them to honestly acknowledge their abuse, understand the unique challenge of repentance for victims of abuse, and learn to love boldly in defiance of their trauma. Ultimately Dan offers the bold assurance to sexual abuse victims that even they can find their way to joy and hope in the comforting embrace of a good God.

The Wounded Heart has sold over 400,000 copies and has been the first book family, friends, counselors, pastors, and victims have turned to in search of Christian answers to the calamity of sexual abuse. With a new introduction reflecting on the ongoing importance of the book, and a companion workbook for personal and group recovery, The Wounded Heart continues to offer an urgently needed word of grace in a world ravaged by sexual abuse.

What's the forecast for your marriage? Marriages are as variable as the weather, and every marriage has a climate. Some are chilly and lack intimacy. Others are stormy and filled with conflict. But while the weather outdoors is beyond our control, the communication climates within our homes can be changed--for the better. Communication specialist Tim Muehlhoff offers simple strategies for improving the climate of a marriage. Our individual words and actions always take place within an overall atmosphere of expectations. Without a healthy climate of trust, we are prone to miscommunication and misunderstanding. Muehlhoff shows how to take an accurate climate reading of a relationship and explains what causes climates of poor communication. With current research on marital communication, listening skills, empathy and conflict resolution, Marriage Forecasting provides practical ways for couples to rebuild a warm relational climate. Don't just talk about the weather. Break the cold front, clear the fog, and change the extended outlook for your marriage.

Encouragement: The Key to Caring shows you how. Part I deals with understanding encouragement, and Part II explores the process of encouragement, including such practical how-tos as: developing a careful selection of encouraging words, cultivating active listening skills, using biblical fellowship to break through the 'surface community' of self-satisfied smiles and shallow greeting, and recognizing subtle opportunities for encouragement.

In Hope When You're Hurting, Drs. Larry Crabb and Dan Allender consider four key questions people ask: What's wrong? Who can help? What will the helper do? And, What can I hope for? In answering these questions, Crabb and Allender shed light on the strengths and weaknesses of different counseling models. They consider the psychological, medical, and spiritual aspects of emotional pain. They examine the role of the church as a vital agent for restoration and growth. And most important, they offer guidance, choices, and hope for people struggling with spiritual and emotional pain.