"What do you think of my fiction book writing?" the aspiring novelist extorted.

"Darn," the editor hectored, in turn. "I can not publish your novel It is full of what we in the business call 'really awful writing.'"

"But how shall I absolve this dilemma? I have already read every tome available on how to write well and get published " The writer tossed his head about, wildly.

"It might help," opined the blonde editor, helpfully, "to ponder how NOT to write a novel, so you might avoid the very thing "

Many writing books offer sound advice on how to write well. This is not one of those books. On the contrary, this is a collection of terrible, awkward, and laughably unreadable excerpts that will teach you what to avoid--at all costs--if you ever want your novel published.

In "How Not to Write a Novel," authors Howard Mittelmark and Sandra Newman distill their 30 years combined experience in teaching, editing, writing, and reviewing fiction to bring you real advice from the other side of the query letter. Rather than telling you how or what to write, they identify the 200 most common mistakes unconsciously made by writers and teach you to recognize, avoid, and amend them. With hilarious "mis-examples" to demonstrate each manuscript-mangling error, they'll help you troubleshoot your beginnings and endings, bad guys, love interests, style, jokes, perspective, voice, and more. As funny as it is useful, this essential how-NOT-to guide will help you get your manuscript out of the slush pile and into the bookstore.

The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County
The Facts Concerning the Recent Carnival of Crime in Connecticut
The Stolen White Elephant
Luck
The 1,000,000 Bank-Note
The Man That Corrupted Hadleyburg
The Five Boons of Life
Was It Heaven? Or Hell?
The Mysterious Stranger
"The Mysterious Stranger and Other Stories "unites nine of master American humorist Mark Twain's most accomplished works. From tall tales of con men's tricks, such as the classic that brought him instant fame, "The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County," to a man with no money (other than a 1,000,000 banknote that no one can cash), to an expose of greed and hypocrisy in perhaps his greatest short story, "The Man That Corrupted Hadleyburg," Twain showcases his notorious humor--skewering policemen, clergymen, politicians, bankers, and others--and displays his changing attitude toward human nature. The finale is the novella "The Mysterious Stranger," a rarity for Mark Twain in which he turns his sardonic, freewheeling wit on eternal evil in a distant time and place--and conjures a memorable, tormenting conclusion.

Ever been betrayed by a pretty cover and a pair of alluring blurbs?

Rest assured: "Read This Next" will never hurt you. The 500 book recommendations contained within these pages have all been carefully vetted and approved by two literary professionals with discerning taste and witty wit. Arranged into delightful thematic lists, these suggestions cover the best of literature high and low, from page-turning classics to mind-expanding fluff; from murder mysteries and post-apocalyptic visions to historical fiction and bathroom books. Each book is paired with deeply insightful, deeply hilarious discussion questions, perfect for book groups or for readers who just enjoy talking to themselves.

In a world where so many books disappoint-- robbing you of your time and money, promising more than they can deliver--"Read This Next" is the wickedly smart, faithful, and attractive partner you've always dreamed would bring you true and lasting reading happiness.