A book of short stories, based on true events, from the 20 years I spent as an Officer in the UK Prison Service. I have seen and heard things you would not believe. You may well read the true stories in this book and think that they are the creation of a strange and twisted individual, pure fiction from the mind of a fool. Well that's fine. I am a bit strange, and I am a bit twisted. Since starting this job, I have had experiences that would upset the toughest stomach, scare the hardest man and penetrate the thickest of skins. There have been serious assaults and attacks. I have seen death on a number of occasions. I've witnessed illness, strange perversions, outrageous human behaviour that you would witness nowhere else in the world, other than any other prison. I have lost count of the amount of times I've heard these words said, "Someone should write a book about that." I have said it myself. I have been waiting years for someone to step forward and start writing. There are loads of amusing anecdotes, funny observations and hilarious stories of the things that happen inside the walls. There have also been hundreds of nasty incidents including serious assaults, self harm, attempted murder and mutilation. All officers in the service have their favourite story. We see the most amazing behaviour day after day, year after year, the strange goings on behind the fence. It is now time to be that person. I must be the one to step forward and share the wonderful happenings with you, the disbelieving public. The one thing that prison staff have in common is their ability to see the funny side. I have contacted many friends in the writing of this book. I have drawn on vast experience within the service to put this book together. Officers with forty years experience, down to officers who have only just started on the long and arduous road that is a prison career, have all made their contributions. I aim to present the cream of the stories to you in this, my first book. I want you to experience the best of the bunch, the ones that we as officers continue to recall years after they have happened. In those boring moments on the landings or in the office, when the clock seems to be going backwards, these are the tales that help to get us through the day.