"One of those memoirs that remind you why you liked memoirs in the
first place... It has the density of a very good novel... As you do
with the best writers, you feel lucky to be in Ms. Brockes's
company." --Dwight Garner, "The New York Times"
A chilling work of psychological suspense and forensic memoir,
"She Left Me the Gun" is a tale of true transformation: the story
of a young woman who reinvented herself so completely that her
previous life seemed simply to vanish, and of a daughter who
transcends her mother's fears and reclaims an abandoned past.
"One day I will tell you the story of my life," promises Emma
Brockes's mother, "and you will be amazed." Brockes grew up hearing
only pieces of her mother's past--stories of a rustic childhood in
South Africa, glimpses of a bohemian youth in London--and yet knew
that crucial facts were still in the dark. A mystery to her friends
and family, Paula was clearly a strong, self-invented woman;
glamorous, no-nonsense, and frequently out of place in their quaint
English village. In awe of Paula's larger-than-life personality,
Brockes never asked why her mother emigrated to England or why she
never returned to South Africa; never questioned the source of her
mother's strange fears or tremendous strengths.
Looking to unearth the truth after Paula's death, Brockes begins a
dangerous journey into the land--and the life--her mother fled from
years before. Brockes soon learns that Paula's father was a drunk
megalomaniac who terrorized Paula and her seven half-siblings for
years. After finally mustering the courage to take her father to
court, Paula is horrified to see the malevolent man vindicated of
all charges. As Brockes discovers, this crushing defeat left Paula
with a choice: take her own life, or promise herself never to be
intimidated or unhappy again. Ultimately she chooses life and
happiness by booking one-way passage to London--but not before
shooting her father five times, and failing to kill him. Smuggling
the fateful gun through English customs would be Paula's first
triumph in her new life.
"She Left Me the Gun "carries Brockes to South Africa to meet her
seven aunts and uncles, weighing their stories against her mother's
silences. Brockes learns of the violent pathologies and racial
propaganda in which her grandfather was inculcated, sees the mine
shafts and train yards where he worked as an itinerant mechanic,
and finds in buried government archives the court records proving
his murder conviction years before he first married. Brockes also
learns of the turncoat stepmother who may have perjured herself to
save her husband, dooming Paula and her siblings to the
machinations of their hated father.
Most of all, "She Left Me the Gun" reveals how Paula reinvented
herself to lead a full, happy life. As she follows her mother's
footsteps back to South Africa, Brockes begins to find the
wellsprings of her mother's strength, the tremendous endurance
which allowed Paula to hide secrets from even her closest friends
and family. But as the search through cherished letters and buried
documents deepens, Brockes realizes with horror that her mother's
great success as a parent was concealing her terrible past--and
that unearthing these secrets threatens to undo her mother's work.
A beguiling and unforgettable journey across generations and
continents, "She Left Me the Gun" chronicles Brockes's efforts to
walk the knife-edge between understanding her mother's unspeakable
traumas and embracing the happiness she chose for her daughter.
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