There is a subtle little twist of the knife with the statement that
my husband is "sober" for x months now. It sounds so dry, and
constrained and deprived. Sorry in advance to anyone successful
with AA, if that's hurtful. Now the incredible luxury of exploring
all our capacity for pleasure together is "sober"? My ex said a few
times, "I know the only healthy sex is with you" and "I know it's
more constructive to come to you instead of them (his harem of
courtesans)" and "I want our family, so I'll just be with you." I
am now the granola instead of the caviar? I am the spirulina
smoothie instead of the French pastry? I am the prescribed fiber of
physicality, the creamy butter is not allowed? Hell no. In the
early days of our marriage, I made the naive mistake of describing
the marriage bed as a banquet of pleasures. Ironically enough, this
was actually at the end of a discussion Reese initiated, saying he
wished that the grocery stores didn't put those seductive magazine
covers at a grocery checkout, it was like soft porn Maybe he was
fishing to see if I knew yet. I said then I always wondered why a
virile man would choose to use porn, why would he be satisfied with
an appetizer like that, just a tease? How little I knew, right?
Reese, of course, spouted off his scripted line that porn was a
travesty and the men who viewed it were supporting an abusive and
immoral industry. This is vanity on my part, maybe. No couple is
enthralled with each other sexually forever. But, to have access to
my sensuality and sexuality in the same category as being "on the
wagon" for the rest of his life, I would never, ever feel the same
about making love again. I didn't. I couldn't. Knowing that my
husband was STRUGGLING his entire life to only make love to me
absolutely crushed my libido. I am vain enough to be unable to
accept that. Whether that is wrong or right I don't know. But, it
hurts me to hear the "sobriety" comment for any of us. Damn it,
we're goddesses, and being our partners is a privilege beyond
compare. In my world, the sexual "oops" is getting caught in the
office with your husband. Being late for work too many times
because you just couldn't leave the bedroom. A "toy" falling out of
the luggage on your way to an exotic vacation. I fully intended for
us both to be completely and totally intoxicated. None of this
"sobriety" will do. This is my story . . . .
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