Step into new worlds and read news dispatches from the Alternate Reality News Service, which regularly gets the scoop on The Associated Press, Reuters and the rest of the competition. In a series of articles written by the wire service's handpicked reporters, you'll read satirical reports that give glimpses into the relationship between humanity, technology and Robert Novak's eyebrows. Who would have ever thought that an intelligent undershirt could be the key witness in a murder trial? Or that a man could possibly be sued by his lover for not lying about himself online? Or that a computer chip could be implanted into the brains of criminals so that every time they thought about committing a heinous deed, they sang a show tune? If this is all news to you, then you must not be a subscriber. By changing that, you can read about all the above and more, including: How journalists can be retrieved from an alternate reality How you, too, can become an Alternate Reality News Service reporter The origin of the company And much more Just open the cover and start reading. It's time to accept that Alternate Reality Ain't What It Used to Be.

Two years after the discovery that Earth Prime 4-6-4-0-8-9 dash Omega is in imminent danger of collapse, the Transdimensional Authority has helped hundreds of millions... well, millions... okay, a lot of aliens immigrate to Earth Prime. How's that working out? Rodney Pendleton, the first alien to make the move, is now a tech millionaire (hover technology is wildly popular - who knew?). Wainwright Walsh, lead singer for The Occidental Tourists (ask your parents... or, maybe your grandparents), puts together an all-star band to raise funds for a foundation to help the aliens adjust to their new home. But all is not beat yas and scream on Earth Prime. An investigation into the first murder of an alien being leads to an anti-alien protest group, revealing a dark, speciesist strain of human emotion. And a different investigation into the disappearance of aliens in Latin America reveals a dark, greedy strain of human emotion. It turns out, some problems cannot be solved by the swift, unexpected application of pie!

At the end of You Can't Kill the Multiverse (But You Can Mess With its Head), Doctor Alhambra, the chief scientist of the Transdimensional Authority, set up an alarm to warn him if a universe is succumbing to the universe-killing machine that is at the heart of the story. But how would the Transdimensional Authority respond if that alarm went off? In Good Intentions, the first book in the Multiverse Refugees Trilogy, but also the sixth Transdimensional Authority novel, we find out. In the process we not only meet the most unusual refugees in fiction (probably), learn what Noomi Rapier's brother does (and with whom), revisit Dingle Dell, and finally discover what happened to chapter seventeen of The Multiverse is a Nice Place to Visit But I Wouldn't Want to Live There.

Relationships are hard. And, when you find yourself in a new, unusual situation, who can you turn to for advice? Other than your Priest, Rabbi or Ventrosian Blitzvoort, I mean. And, your shrink. Arguably, you should definitely be asking your shrink for advice. Oh, and, come to think of it, your Aunt Bertha (because every family has a sympathetic Aunt Bertha. Okay, there are lots of places you can go for advice. But, if your Ventrosian Bliktvoort stops returning your calls, your shrink is away at an academic conference talking about his paper on your "condition" and your Aunt Bertha is no longer welcome at family gatherings because of the guacamole incident, there's always Amritsar and the Tech Answer Guy. For the first time, the Alternate Reality News Service has collected the wisdom of its award pining advice columnists in a single volume, the Guide to Love, Sex and Robots. Read through these pages to see if your particular problem is addressed. Amritsar and the Tech Answer Guy may not be your Aunt Bertha, but who among us is? REMEMBER: if you have a burning personal issue that you need help with, you can write Amritsar or The Tech Answer Guy at: [email protected]. Neither of them may be Deepak Chopra, exactly, but who among us, including Aunt Bertha, is?

Do you have what it takes to become a reporter for the Alternate Reality News Service? Curiosity? Courage? Your own notepad? Can you imagine yourself writing about worlds where: the best way to cure cancer may be to negotiate with it; there is a project to collect, rebuild and reanimate the atoms that made up Albert Einstein's body (so far, they have most of his ankle ); China avoids a war with the United States (without firing a shot) by repossessing the American military in payment of the country's debt; a woman sues General Motors for palimony, claiming that the corporation, legally a person, was the father of her child? If not, read What Were Once Miracles Are Now Children's Toys. If so, welcome to the Alternate Reality News Service. Spelling and grammatical correctitude optional.

We've all read tales of heroes and monsters in far-away lands... But what happens when the strangest monsters are the ones next door? Rebekah and her family are coping with two issues: the first is her husband's death in a car accident. The second is his surprising return as a zombie. Will the Neimans keep their new, more clumsy Dad, or will they choose to say goodbye to him a second time? Zinnia has a weird skin problem that won't go away. She longs for an answer to the itching and the teasing, but the truth about her skin condition, and its cure, are far beyond the scope of any human doctor. Abby, a kind witch on the run, puts herself at risk of discovery by evil forces when she agrees to use her magic to help a desperate friend cleanse her bookstore of dark spirits. Will she be able to stay hidden, or will she be forced to confront her past? From authors Jennifer Bickley, Elizabeth Hirst, Ira Nayman and Tecuma Macintyre come a collection of seven stories that will leave you wondering if you can ever really know your neighbours.

WHAT ARE MUTANT TECHNOLOGIES? Mutant technologies are the machines that you see out of the corner of your eye when you should be concentrating on not running over your foot with the lawnubot you can't quite seem to programme correctly to cut the grass to the specifications laid down by your local Glass Blown Homeowners Association. Mutant Technologies are machines that give you advice on how to liven up your loveless marriage when all you asked them for was a cup of tea. Mutant Technologies laugh in the face of human expectations, adding a layer of randomness to our scheduled to within an inch of our death lives. Mutant technologies are today's technologies, tomorrow. Join various Alternate Reality News Service reporters, commentators and wannabes as they explore this new world in The Street Finds Its Own Uses for Mutant Technologies. In this volume, killing people with guns made by 3-D printers then melting them down and using the materials to create sculptures becomes an art movement. A satirical Web site's reputation is questioned when it accidentally publishes a true story. Long passages of exposition from speculative fiction stories make their way into the Info Dump on the outskirts of the city. And, the war on doughnuts takes some unusual turns. Sweet Praise for previous Alternate Reality News Service books: "As always, Ira Nayman, crosses my reality threshold at 90 mph and leaves me laughing, thoughtful, inspired and enriched even if no wiser. I strongly recommend his Alternate Reality News Service to readers in all dimensions and universes." (Geoff Nelder, science42fiction) "The bottom line here is that Ira Nayman is a pretty funny guy who has written a couple of pretty funny books here that are worthy of your time and dollar." (Sam Christopher, Axiom's Edge Science Fiction and Fantasy)

If you don't read "Luna for the Lunies ," you will miss the following:

This is the future: an Apple Records logo stamped on the cheek of humanity...forever.

Proper attribution format in news articles must be maintained. This is what separates us from the animals

When everybody looks like they are starving, true starvation becomes kitsch.

"Have we learned nothing from the GEU UME?"

"Y"' ''''d't ''''''' h'' b'' '' ca' g''," v'' W'''y s'''.

"I doubleplusunhate you. I doubleplusunhate you with all my heart "

"As we say in the company's executive colouring book: Extremism in the pursuit of violent vices is no liberty."

After you've slept with a comedian, there are no depths to which people won't believe you can sink. "As happy as a herd of flutzes. Trips off the tongue, doesn't it?"

Of course, you won't miss any of this because you just read it. Here. In the description of the book. But, you will miss other things that are almost as good. Like, context. So...there.

Step into new worlds and read news dispatches from the Alternate Reality News Service, which regularly gets the scoop on The Associated Press, Reuters and the rest of the competition. In a series of articles written by the wire service's handpicked reporters, you'll read satirical reports that give glimpses into the relationship between humanity, technology and Robert Novak's eyebrows. Who would have ever thought that an intelligent undershirt could be the key witness in a murder trial? Or that a man could possibly be sued by his lover for not lying about himself online? Or that a computer chip could be implanted into the brains of criminals so that every time they thought about committing a heinous deed, they sang a show tune? If this is all news to you, then you must not be a subscriber. By changing that, you can read about all the above and more, including: How journalists can be retrieved from an alternate reality How you, too, can become an Alternate Reality News Service reporter The origin of the company And much more Just open the cover and start reading. It's time to accept that Alternate Reality Ain't What It Used to Be.

Are you knowledgeable enough about current events to read "No Public Figure Too Big, No Personal Foible Too Small?" To find out, simply answer the following questions:

1. Saddam Hussein was compared to Adolph Hitler, because he caused the deaths of approximately 10,000 to 20,000 of his citizens. The war on Iraq has already cost the lives of at least 40,000 citizens, and possibly as many as 100,000, while the first Gulf War and subsequent sanctions may have killed as many 200,000 Iraqis. What does that make Hussein's enemies?
2. a) As few as two and as many as thirty Hitlers
3. b) What a horrid comparison Saddam Hussein killed Iraqis to tyrannize them-we kill Iraqis to liberate them There is no comparison
4. c) Hypocrites
5. Which of the following best describes your romantic relationships?
6. a) Crash and burn
7. b) Cash and carry
8. c) Lock and load

If you answered a, b, or c to either of these questions, congratulations You are a person who appreciates the absurdity of this world, and it is highly recommended that you read author Ira Nayman's political satire, "No Public Figure Too Big, No Personal Foible Too Small. "