Primary intimacy is the innate capacity to fall in love and stay in love. Infants seek it with their parents. Lovers seek it. Parents feel it for their children. During infancy, it can be defined as positive "primary intersubjectivity" (Trevarthen, 1979), during which infant and parent engage in mutual mindreading and establish a blissful mutual understanding of one another. Legerstee (2005) distinguished between optimal and dysfunctional forms of primary intersubjectivity. Optimal primary intersubjectivity is primary intimacy and true bliss. Dysfunctional intersubjectivity develops into insecure attachment (Ainsworth et al, 1978) and the inability to establish and maintain primary intimacy in adult relationships. In adults, primary intimacy is called "limerence" (Tennov, 1979) and is mistakenly viewed by some as an "addiction" (Alcoholics Anonymous) or a sexual instinct (Freud). Properly understood, primary intimacy is the foundation of real love and friendship and will eventually provide the basis of a new social order.

This book is about the insights you need to become a more loving person. Two types of insight are needed. Psychological insights come from the careful explication of cognitive processes such as intersubjectivity. Personal insights are uncovered through a process of focusing redefined in cognitive terms. While many insights need to be acquired through hard work, many are mapped out in this book. I have created a blog (interactive website or weblog) to learn about your insights, to answer questions, to reply to criticisms, and to report new insights. The website address is www.MyInsights.ca and my email address is [email protected]. I want to hear about your insights. Please consider this website to be a means of sharing your insights with everyone. When you use this blog, you are, in effect, saying, "These are my insights," hence the name of the blog. Let there be no doubt that your insights are important to everyone, not only because of their intellectual content, but because they will inspire others to seek their own needed insights and they provide scientific evidence about the kinds of insights that we needed and about how they are discovered.