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Books > Fiction > General & literary fiction > Modern fiction

Die Chacma-Ekspedisie (Afrikaans, Paperback): Marius Ackermann Die Chacma-Ekspedisie (Afrikaans, Paperback)
Marius Ackermann
R182 Discovery Miles 1 820 Shipped within 10 - 15 working days

Waar die Krokodilrivier lui-lui deur die Noordwes kronkel, net n klipgooi van die Wieg van die Mensdom, is die wel en wee van twee histories aparte groepe op die punt om ineen te vloei. In die dorpie Kwenang (voorheen De la Rey) is korrupsie, wanbestuur en anargie aan die orde van die dag en is die vraag op die vooraand van die burgemeestersverkiesing of daar hoegenaamd nog n spreekwoordelike Moses is wat die dorp uit hul politieke verknorsing sal kan lei. Aan die ander kant van die rivier, teen die klipkoppies van die Schurweberg, sit Grootraad Makedaan (gerespekteerde leierbobbejaan) en tob oor die onregverdigheid van die groot split: die dag toe die regoplopers hulle rug op die handeviervoeters gedraai en so die gedeelde herkoms van die primate versaak het. Is dit dan nie Bojaan se roeping om aan Kwenang se komende burgemeestersverkiesing deel te neem, en so n bedeling van heling in plek van verdeling in te lui nie? Terwyl n bobbejaan in die noorde tot burgemeester ingehuldig word, is n gesiene emeritusprofessor en primaatnavorser, n internasionaal-erkende Britse fotograaf en n lenige boereblondine van die Kaap af na die Magaliesberg onderweg as deel van die Chacma-ekspedisie: n Brits-befondste ondersoek na pratende lede van die spesie papio ursinus. Toeval? Of die hand van die noodlot? In Die Chacma-espedisie steek Marius Ackermann goedig die draak met Afrika-politiek en -problematiek en sal selfs die mees siniese leser vir mens en dier se bobbejaanstreke kan lag.

Darling (Hardcover, Edition): Rachel Edwards Darling (Hardcover, Edition)
Rachel Edwards 1
R316 R226 Discovery Miles 2 260 Save R90 (28%) Shipped within 7 - 12 working days

A teenage girl clashes with her new stepmother in this debut thriller with an unforgettable twist `Dark, deep, thought-provoking . What a debut! I recommend you go and read it!' Adele Parks `Grips the reader with its twisty exploration of the complex relationship between step mother and step daughter' Kate Hamer, author of The Girl in the Red Coat `Oh so good' Elle `Told by two unforgettable female narrators, it's urgent, original and genuinely unputdownable' Clare Fisher, author of All the Good Things `Similar in spirit to We Need to Talk About Kevin' Sunday Times `Sure to be a reading group favourite' Metro `Stunning' Laura Marshall, author of Friend Request `Brilliant ... the twists and turns left me reeling' Eleanor Wasserberg, author of Foxlowe `Dark, provocative and a refreshing take on the psychological thriller genre. Darling and Lola are both brilliant creations' Emma Curtis, author of One Little Mistake I knew she was trouble from the moment I saw her. I felt it as she stood in the doorway that day: disaster. Not just because she was so different, that skin and that hair, as different from me as it's possible to be. There was something wrong about her. Wrong for us. It was never going to work. Now she is dead and only I am left to love him. She is dead, and it's all my fault.

Tiger (Hardcover): Polly Clark Tiger (Hardcover)
Polly Clark 1
R360 R295 Discovery Miles 2 950 Save R65 (18%) Shipped within 7 - 12 working days

The breathtaking new novel from the prize-winning author of Larchfield 'Gripping' Margaret Atwood - 'Captivating' Louis de Bernieres - 'Magical and transcendent' John Boyne Set across two continents, Tiger is a sweeping story of survival and redeeming love that plunges the reader into one of the world's last wildernesses with blistering authenticity. Frieda is a primatologist, sensitive and solitary, until a violent attack shatters her ordered world. In her new role as a zookeeper, she confronts a very different ward: an injured wild tiger. Deep in the Siberian taiga, Tomas, a Russian conservationist, fears that the natural order has toppled. The king tiger has been killed by poachers and a spectacular tigress now patrols his vast territory as her own. In a winter of treacherous competition, the path of the tigress and her cub crosses with an Udeghe huntress and her daughter. Vengeance must follow, and the fates of both tigers and people are transformed. Learning of her tiger's past offers Frieda the chance of freedom. Faced with the savage forces of nature, she must trust to her instinct and, like the tiger, find a way to live in the world.

The Other Mother (Hardcover): Matthew Green The Other Mother (Hardcover)
Matthew Green 1
R358 R292 Discovery Miles 2 920 Save R66 (18%) Shipped within 7 - 12 working days

The one he loves most, is the one he knows least Thirteen-year-old Michael Parsons is dealing with a lot. His father's sudden death; his mother's new husband, Glen, who he loathes; his two younger siblings, who he looks after more and more now his mother works extra shifts. And then one day, Michael wakes up and his mother is gone. In her place is an exact, duplicate mother. The 'other mother'. No one else seems to notice the real version is missing. His brother, his sister and even Glen act as if everything's normal. But Michael knows in his heart that this mother is not his. And he begins to panic. What follows is a big-hearted coming-of-age story of a boy struggling with an unusual disorder that poses unparalleled challenges - but also, as he discovers, offers him unique opportunities.

The Bookshop on the Shore (Hardcover): Jenny Colgan The Bookshop on the Shore (Hardcover)
Jenny Colgan 1
R326 R272 Discovery Miles 2 720 Save R54 (17%) Shipped within 7 - 12 working days

Escape to the Scottish Highlands where a tiny bookshop perches on the edge of a loch Zoe is a single mother, sinking beneath the waves trying to cope by herself in London. Hari, her gorgeous little boy is perfect in every way - except for the fact that he just doesn't speak, at all. When her landlord raises the rent on her flat, Zoe doesn't know where to turn. Then Hari's aunt suggests Zoe could move to Scotland to help run a bookshop. Going from the lonely city to a small village in the Highlands could be the change Zoe and Hari desperately need. Faced with an unwelcoming boss, a moody, distant bookseller named Ramsay Urquart, and a band of unruly children, Zoe wonders if she's made the right decision. But Hari has found his very first real friend, and no one could resist the beauty of the loch glinting in the summer sun. If only Ramsay would just be a little more approachable... Dreams start here...

The Lost Son - a sweeping family saga full of revelations and family secrets (Paperback): Prue Leith The Lost Son - a sweeping family saga full of revelations and family secrets (Paperback)
Prue Leith 1
R220 R183 Discovery Miles 1 830 Save R37 (17%) Shipped within 7 - 11 working days

Gripping family drama from household name Prue Leith. Perfect for fans of Penny Vincenzi and Barbara Taylor Bradford. The Angelotti family reels when the lost son, given up for adoption in the war, traces his birth family and returns to the fold, with devastating consequences. As poverty-stricken newlyweds, Laura and Giovanni Angelotti were forced to put their first child - a boy - up for adoption. They have had other children since, and their first little Italian cafe has become a restaurant empire, but Laura is still haunted by thoughts of the baby she lost. Tom is a successful businessman enjoying the fast-paced City lifestyle - until his best friend and business partner is killed in the 9/11 attacks and his world turns upside down. Searching for meaning in his life, he decides to track down his birth family: the Angelottis. But Laura has been keeping an explosive secret about Tom's parentage that means his reappearance in her life is bittersweet. She may have found her son, but will it be at the cost of everything it has taken her fifty years to build?

One Minute Later (Hardcover): Susan Lewis One Minute Later (Hardcover)
Susan Lewis 1
R321 R231 Discovery Miles 2 310 Save R90 (28%) Shipped within 7 - 12 working days

`Susan Lewis has a gift for telling warm family stories that also take you by surprise. One Minute Later will make you savour every second' Jane Corry You think your life is perfect. You think your secrets are safe. You think it'll always be this way. But your life can change in a heartbeat. Brilliantly emotional, suspenseful and page-turning, One Minute Later is the stunning new novel from the Sunday Times bestselling author, Susan Lewis. Susan Lewis - behind every secret lies a story. The new novel from Sunday Times bestselling author, Susan Lewis. With a high-flying job, a beautiful apartment and friends whose lives are as happy as her own, Vivienne Shager is living the dream. Then, on the afternoon of Vivi's twenty-seventh birthday, one catastrophic minute changes everything. Forced to move back to the small seaside town where she grew up, Vivi remembers the reasons she left. The secrets, lies and questions that now must be answered before it's too late. But the answers lie in thirty years in the past... Shelley Raynor's family home, Deerwood Farm, has always been a special place until darkness strikes at its heart. When Vivi's and Shelley's worlds begin to entwine, it only takes a moment for the truth to unravel all of their lives.

The Scary Snow Day - A Story with a Moral (Paperback): Kyle Derby Pratt The Scary Snow Day - A Story with a Moral (Paperback)
Kyle Derby Pratt
R295 R236 Discovery Miles 2 360 Save R59 (20%) Shipped within 7 - 11 working days
Clock Dance (Paperback): Anne Tyler Clock Dance (Paperback)
Anne Tyler
R303 R245 Discovery Miles 2 450 Save R58 (19%) Shipped within 7 - 11 working days
Green as the sky is blue (Paperback): Eben Venter Green as the sky is blue (Paperback)
Eben Venter
R260 R205 Discovery Miles 2 050 Save R55 (21%) Shipped within 4 - 8 working days

Simon is a man of the world who lives a life of freedom and unfettered pleasure. An exiled Afrikaans writer who ekes out a meagre existence in Australia, he seeks out pleasure during his travels around the globe; from Bali to Melbourne, Tokyo to Cape Town. Memories well up every so often: of his youth in the Eastern Cape, of his father, and of his sexual education while growing up on a cattle farm. He connects the fragments of his past remembered moments and experiences with the help and insights of his psychologist, Dr Spiteri. It is his ageing mother who has the most tenacious grip on Simon. He revisits the land of his forefathers to visit and care for her. In turn, she pays a last fragile visit to him in Australia. His mother is adored and wise, yet unbearable for her fits of pettiness and bourgeois racism. Green as the Sky Is Blue is a bold, unflinching exploration of modern sexuality, intimacy and identity.

Queenie Malone's Paradise Hotel - The new novel from the author of The Keeper of Lost Things (Paperback): Ruth Hogan Queenie Malone's Paradise Hotel - The new novel from the author of The Keeper of Lost Things (Paperback)
Ruth Hogan 1
R230 R149 Discovery Miles 1 490 Save R81 (35%) Shipped within 7 - 12 working days

'As lovely as a burst of bright bluebells' Sunday Express 'Technicolor' Daily Mail 'A moving exploration of the complex relationship between mothers and daughters' Observer 'A poignant tale of love and family' Good Housekeeping 'Enchanting . . . divine' Prima 'Beautifully written - astute and funny' Daily Express 'This book really shines . . . laugh-out-loud funny' Stylist 'A tender tale' Woman & Home 'Absorbing, tender and heartfelt' Mike Gayle, author of The Man I Think I Know 'Her best novel yet' Hannah Beckerman, author of If Only I Could Tell You 'Exuberant and full of zest' Nina Pottell The new novel from Ruth Hogan, the bestselling author of The Keeper of Lost Things and The Wisdom of Sally Red Shoes - an uplifting novel of mothers and daughters, families and secrets and the astonishing power of friendship. Tilly was a bright, outgoing little girl who liked playing with ghosts and matches. She loved fizzy drinks, swear words, fish fingers and Catholic churches, but most of all she loved living in Brighton in Queenie Malone's magnificent Paradise Hotel with its endearing and loving family of misfits - staff and guests alike. But Tilly's childhood was shattered when her mother sent her away from the only home she'd ever loved to boarding school with little explanation and no warning. Many years later, Tilda has grown into an independent woman still damaged by her mother's unaccountable cruelty. Wary of people, her only friend is her dog, Eli. But when her mother dies, Tilda goes back to Brighton and with the help of her beloved Queenie sets about unravelling the mystery of her exile from The Paradise Hotel, only to discover that her mother was not the woman she thought she knew at all ... Mothers and daughters ... their story can be complicated ... but it can also turn out to have a happy ending.

Blind Defence (Paperback): John Fairfax Blind Defence (Paperback)
John Fairfax 1
R214 R181 Discovery Miles 1 810 Save R33 (15%) Shipped within 7 - 12 working days

'Vivid and exciting' The Times WINNER OF THE PRIX DU MASQUE She was found hanging in a dingy London bedsit with a blood orange in her mouth. Diane Heybridge, a young woman without a past or much of a future, has captured in death the compassion denied her in life. For the prosecution, this seeming suicide is nothing more than a bungled killing and a disgusted public looks to Court 2 of the Old Bailey for justice. Her callous, jilted partner Brent Stainsby stands accused of her murder and he's turned to the maverick legal team William Benson and Tess de Vere to defend him. However, as the trial unfolds it soon becomes clear that there is far more to Diane Heybridge than meets the eye. She wasn't the weak and downtrodden victim now being presented to the jury. She was capable of a sophisticated form of vengeance. By the same token, Brent Stainsby isn't who he seems to be either. He's hiding a motive for murder unknown to the police and may well be playing a deadly game of poker with the judicial process. What began as a simple trial rapidly turns into a complex search for the truth beyond the confines of the courtroom...

Freedom (Paperback): Jonathan Franzen Freedom (Paperback)
Jonathan Franzen 1
R222 R160 Discovery Miles 1 600 Save R62 (28%) Shipped within 7 - 12 working days

`Deeper, funnier, sadder and truer than a work of fiction has any right to be' Independent on Sunday `Both a page-turner and a work of art ... an almost perfectly written novel' Evening Standard This is the story of the Berglunds, their son Joey, their daughter Jessica and their friend Richard Katz. It is about how we use and abuse our freedom; about the beginning and ending of love; teenage lust; the unexpectedness of adult life; why we compete with our friends; how we betray those closest to us; and why things almost never work out as they `should'. It is a story about the human heart, and what it leads us to do to ourselves and each other.

Expectation (Paperback): Anna Hope Expectation (Paperback)
Anna Hope 1
R351 R238 Discovery Miles 2 380 Save R113 (32%) Shipped within 7 - 12 working days

A fierce emotional contemporary novel about what it takes to lead a meaningful life. Cate, Hannah and Lissa are young, vibrant and inseparable. Living on the edge of a common in East London, their shared world is ablaze with art and activism, desire and revelry - and the promise of everything to come. They are electric. They are the best of friends. Ten years on, they are not where they hoped to be. Amidst flailing careers and faltering marriages, each hungers for what the others have. And each wrestles with the same question: what does it take to lead a meaningful life? This is a story of the highs and lows of friendship - how it can dip, dive and rise again. It is also about muddling through: as a mother, a daughter, a wife, a rebel. Most of all, it explores that liminal space between expectation and reality, the place - full of terrible pain and wondrous joy - in which we all live our lives.

Liefde in Die Kwepertyd (Afrikaans, Paperback): Dot Serfontein Liefde in Die Kwepertyd (Afrikaans, Paperback)
Dot Serfontein
R182 Discovery Miles 1 820 Shipped within 10 - 15 working days

Dot Serfontein het Liefde in die kwepertyd as 'n vervolgverhaal in Sarais Marais geskryf. Dit was egter so gewild, dat dit in boekvorm verskyn het gedurende 1960. In hierdie verhaal raak n teruggetrokke boer verlief op die foto van n hartseer donkerkopnooi in sy bure se huis. 'n Briefwisseling ontstaan en die boer is oortuig dat hy sy trouvrou ontmoet het. Wanneer sy op die plaas aankom, is die briefskrywer n sagggeaarde blondine met kuiltjies in haar wange egter glad nie die meisie op die foto nie . . . Die boer moet besluit of liefde n illusie of werklikheid is.

Daisy Jones & the Six (Hardcover): Taylor Jenkins Reid Daisy Jones & the Six (Hardcover)
Taylor Jenkins Reid
R498 R396 Discovery Miles 3 960 Save R102 (20%) Shipped within 7 - 11 working days
Pirata (Hardcover): Simon Scarrow, T.J. Andrews Pirata (Hardcover)
Simon Scarrow, T.J. Andrews 1
R473 R378 Discovery Miles 3 780 Save R95 (20%) Shipped within 7 - 12 working days

It is AD 25. Pirate ships strike terror in the hearts of those who brave the seas of the Roman Empire. When young Telemachus gets the chance to join the crew of the merchant ship Selene, he's delighted to escape the rough streets of Piraeus. He knows little of the dangers of life at sea. And even past hardship has not prepared him for the terror on board when a pirate ship appears on the horizon . . . The fight is bloody, but the result is never in doubt. Then the victorious pirate chief, Bulla, offers the beaten men a cruel choice: join us, or die. After surviving a brutal initiation rite, Telemachus impresses his new captain with his resourcefulness and strength, and swiftly rises through the pirate ranks. But dangerous rivals talk of mutiny and murder. While Prefect Canis, notorious commander of the imperial fleet, will stop at nothing to take control of the Adriaticum from the pirate brotherhood. Could Telemachus be the man to lead the pirate brotherhood and challenge Rome? PIRATA is also available in five ebook novella parts.

A Book of American Martyrs (Paperback): Joyce Carol Oates A Book of American Martyrs (Paperback)
Joyce Carol Oates 2
R307 R195 Discovery Miles 1 950 Save R112 (36%) Shipped within 7 - 12 working days

`The story of Trump's America' Daily Mail Two families. Two faces of America. One violent crime that will bitterly divide them - and yet bind them together forever. `A magnificent story of two broken families' Independent `Page-turning, gripping, full of unexpected twists' Observer `From its dramatic opening, with the killing of an abortionist, the book rockets forwards ... Ingenious, agile, dazzling' Literary Review `Morally meaty and always readable' Sunday Times `A masterpiece' Washington Post

A Convenient Texas Wedding - A Convenient Texas Wedding (Texas Cattleman's Club: the Impostor, Book 3) / Lone Star Lovers... A Convenient Texas Wedding - A Convenient Texas Wedding (Texas Cattleman's Club: the Impostor, Book 3) / Lone Star Lovers (Dallas Billionaires Club, Book 1) (Paperback)
Sheri Whitefeather, Jessica Lemmon
R198 Discovery Miles 1 980 Shipped within 7 - 12 working days

A Convenient Texas Wedding by Sheri White Feather They had their reasons for marriage... until passion took over! Allison Cartwright is shocked when playboy millionaire Rand Gibson proposes marriage. Although Alison is determined that sex is off the table, she's worried that their bodies will betray them...will Allison marry a man who could break her heart in the bargain? Lone Star Lovers by Jessica Lemmon This sexy Texan was only meant to be a one-night stand... Penelope Brand's hookup with billionaire Zach Ferguson was casual...until he announces her as his fake fiancee to avoid scandal. Pen won't settle for a sham marriage - if Zach wants to keep his Lone star lover, it's his whole heart or nothing...

This Green and Pleasant Land (Hardcover): Ayisha Malik This Green and Pleasant Land (Hardcover)
Ayisha Malik 1
R325 R265 Discovery Miles 2 650 Save R60 (18%) Shipped within 7 - 12 working days

'Build them a mosque, beta. Build them a mosque.' For years Bilal Hasham and his wife Mariam have lived contented, quiet lives in the sleepy rural village of Babbel's End. Now all that is about to change. On her deathbed, Bilal's mother reaches for his hand. Instead of whispering her final prayers, she gives him a task: build a mosque in his country village. Mariam is horrified by Bilal's plan. His friends and neighbours are unnerved. As outrage sweeps Babbel's End, battle lines are drawn. His mother's dying wish reveals deeper divisions in their village than Bilal had ever imagined. Soon Bilal is forced to choose between community and identity, between faith and friendship, between honouring his beloved mother's last wish and preserving what is held dear in the place that he calls home. 'At the heart of this book lies the simple question: who decides to who and what we belong? This is Malik's best work to date - satirical, controversial, knowing and essential' - Vaseem Khan 'This Green and Pleasant Land, a novel that simmers with tenderness, is a deeply relevant book that is bound to ruffle a fair few feathers, but the right feathers, and for the right reasons' - Caroline O'Donoghue 'Thoughtful, funny, excellently written and deserves to be read by everyone . . . it's the standout book of the year' - Abir Mukherjee

The Ghost Factory (Hardcover, Edition): Jenny McCartney The Ghost Factory (Hardcover, Edition)
Jenny McCartney 1
R309 R218 Discovery Miles 2 180 Save R91 (29%) Shipped within 7 - 12 working days

A powerful debut set in Belfast and London in the latter years of the twentieth century. The Troubles turned Northern Ireland into a ghost factory: as the manufacturing industry withered, the death business boomed. In trying to come to terms with his father's sudden death, and the attack on his harmless best friend Titch, Jacky is forced to face the bullies who still menace a city scarred by conflict. After he himself is attacked, he flees to London to build a new life. But even in the midst of a burgeoning love affair he hears the ghosts of his past echoing, pulling him back to Belfast, crying out for retribution and justice. Written with verve and flair, and spiked with humour, The Ghost Factory marks the arrival of an auspicious new talent.

Five Steps to Happy - An uplifting novel based on a true story (Hardcover): Ella Dove Five Steps to Happy - An uplifting novel based on a true story (Hardcover)
Ella Dove 1
R360 R295 Discovery Miles 2 950 Save R65 (18%) Shipped within 7 - 12 working days

'An up-lit treasure' Red magazine Life can change in a heartbeat... When struggling actress Heidi has a life-changing accident aged 32, her world falls apart. Stuck in hospital and unable to walk, her only companion is Maud, the elderly lady in the bed next to hers. Heidi misses her flatmate, her life, her freedom - surely 32 is too young to be an amputee? But when Maud's aloof but attractive grandson Jack pays a visit to the ward, Heidi realises that her life isn't over just because it's different. It might not look like the life she dreamed of, but it's the one she's got - and there's a lot she still wants to tick off her bucket list. With Jack at her side, will Heidi take the first step back to happiness? Or is there one more surprise still in store...? A feel-good read based on the inspiring true story of journalist Ella Dove. Sometimes all it takes is one small step...

Plunderwoestyn (Afrikaans, Paperback): Christiaan Bakkes Plunderwoestyn (Afrikaans, Paperback)
Christiaan Bakkes
R210 Discovery Miles 2 100 Shipped within 10 - 15 working days

Bykans dertig jaar was die verteller veldwagter in Namibie. Hy het n obsessie gehad met die wilde, ongetemde Afrika waar n mens ongebonde kan lewe. Maar intussen het die wildernisse waarin hy geswerf het, begin verander. As safarigids was hy deel van hierdie verandering. Hy het wilde plekke help toeganklik maak vir mense. Saam met daardie mense het stropers gekom. In Plunderwoestyn word vertel oor die stryd teen stropers in Namibie en is gebaseer op Christiaan Bakkes se lewe.

Little Darlings (Hardcover): Melanie Golding Little Darlings (Hardcover)
Melanie Golding 1
R315 R225 Discovery Miles 2 250 Save R90 (29%) Shipped within 7 - 12 working days

`Chilling story...stunning' Clare Mackintosh `Taps into every woman's fear that she will not be believed' Mel McGrath, author of The Guilty Party `Deep. Dark. Utterly addictive...you can't unread this story. It will haunt you' Teresa Driscoll, author of The Friend * * * * THE TWINS ARE CRYING. THE TWINS ARE HUNGRY. LAUREN IS CRYING. LAUREN IS EXHAUSTED. Behind the hospital curtain, someone is waiting . . . Lauren is alone on the maternity ward with her new-born twins when a terrifying encounter in the middle of the night leaves her convinced someone is trying to steal her children. Lauren, desperate with fear, locks herself and her sons in the bathroom until the police arrive to investigate. When DS Joanna Harper picks up the list of overnight incidents that have been reported, she expects the usual calls from drunks and wrong numbers. But then a report of an attempted abduction catches her eye. The only thing is that it was flagged as a false alarm just fifteen minutes later. Harper's superior officer tells her there's no case here, but Harper can't let it go so she visits the hospital anyway. There's nothing on the CCTV. No one believes this woman was ever there. And yet, Lauren claims that she keeps seeing the woman and that her babies are in danger, and soon Harper is sucked into Lauren's spiral of fear. But how far will they go to save children who may not even be in danger? * * * * Early readers can't stop raving about Little Darlings: `Every mother will see themselves in Lauren...taut with suspense' `You just need to read it and let the creepiness and uneasiness set in' `A disturbing and spine-chilling tale...This tale will keep readers on the edge of their seat' `A unique, haunting story that stays with you long after finishing it'

Why Mummy Doesn't Give a ****! (Hardcover): Gill Sims Why Mummy Doesn't Give a ****! (Hardcover)
Gill Sims 1
R307 R189 Discovery Miles 1 890 Save R118 (38%) Shipped within 7 - 12 working days

Family begins with a capital eff. I'm wondering how many more f*cking `phases' I have to endure before my children become civilised and functioning members of society? It seems like people have been telling me `it's just a phase!' for the last fifteen bloody years. Not sleeping through the night is `just a phase.' Potty training and the associated accidents `is just a phase'. The tantrums of the terrible twos are `just a phase'. The picky eating, the back chat, the obsessions. The toddler refusals to nap, the teenage inability to leave their beds before 1pm without a rocket being put up their arse. The endless singing of Frozen songs, the dabbing, the weeks where apparently making them wear pants was akin to child torture. All `just phases!' When do the `phases' end though? WHEN? Mummy dreams of a quirky rural cottage with roses around the door and chatty chickens in the garden. Life, as ever, is not going quite as she planned. Paxo, Oxo and Bisto turn out to be highly rambunctious, rather than merely chatty, and the roses have jaggy thorns. Her precious moppets are now giant teenagers, and instead of wittering at her about who would win in a fight - a dragon badger or a ninja horse - they are Snapchatting the night away, stropping around the tiny cottage and communicating mainly in grunts - except when they are demanding Ellen provides taxi services in the small hours. And there is never, but never, any milk in the house. At least the one thing they can all agree on is that rescued Barry the Wolfdog may indeed be The Ugliest Dog in the World, but he is also the loveliest.

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