It's been over ten years since Big was killed. I grieved for him
for a very long time. And then, as time passed, the icy wall of
grief surrounding my heart began to thaw and I began to heal. I
remarried, had more children, and continued to record and release
more music. I continued to live my life. And while I can never
discount the time I spent with Big, I've never felt the need to
live in the past.
But sometimes, I still find myself thinking about Big being
rushed the hospital, and I break down in tears.
It's not just because we hung up on each other during what would
be our last telephone conversation. And it's not because I am
raising our son, a young man who has never known his father.
It's partly all of those things. But mainly it's because he
wasn't ready to go. His debut album was called Ready to Die. But in
the end, he wasn't. Big never got a chance to tell his story. It's
been left to others to tell it for him. In making the decision to
tell my own story, it means that I've become one of those who can
give insight to who Big really was. But I can only speak on what he
meant to me.
Yet I also want people to understand that although he was a
large part of my life, my story doesn't actually begin or end with
Big's death. My journey has been complicated on many levels. And
since I am always linked to Big, there are a lot of misconceptions
about who I really am.
I hope that in reading my words, there is inspiration to be
found. Perhaps you can duplicate my success or achieve where I have
failed. Maybe you can skip over the mistakes I've made. Use my life
as an example-of what to do and in some cases, what not to do.
It's not easy putting your life out therefor the masses. But
I've decided I'll tell my own story. For Big. For my children. And
for myself.
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