An exhaustive and sometimes exhausting examination of shame, its
causes, effects, and various guises, by Nichols (Psychiatry/Albany
Medical College; Turning Forty in the Eighties, 1986). According to
Nichols, shame - the result of some perceived weakness, dirtiness,
or defect in the self - is instilled by the family in infancy and
early childhood, bursts into excruciatingly full bloom in
adolescence, and is amply nourished by school, church, and society.
It does have its adaptive functions - protecting individual privacy
and safeguarding social order - but most of us have entirely too
much of it. As Nichols notes, a great deal of our adult energy is
wasted in hiding shame or compensating for it, whether by
defensiveness, arrogance, avoidance of intimacy, excessive work,
drug and alcohol abuse, binge-eating, etc. But shame can be
minimized: Nichols offers advice to parents, who have the most
power to affect their children's self-esteem, on "positive
parenting." And shame can be healed, he says, by engaging oneself
in the world and with other people so that positive
self-perceptions can accumulate and displace negative ones. Most
therapeutic of all, claims Nichols, is discovering some ideal or
meaning in life and committing oneself to it. Compassionate, and
salted with some wisdom. But too often Nichols belabors the obvious
(the humiliations of youth, in particular) and verges into
abstraction; more anecdotal material would have made for more
concrete - and livelier - analysis. (Kirkus Reviews)
Each of us is controlled in some way by shame, one of the ugliest
emotions in human experience. It saps our self-respect, builds
walls between people, and forces us to create elaborate defenses to
protect ourselves. This informative and practical analysis of the
role of shame in our lives helps us to understand the root of our
insecurity. Only by facing and coming to terms with our shame can
we begin to resolve insecurities and become free to participate
fully in life. Nichols discusses love and worth, the social sources
of humiliation, the frustration of adolescence, and positive
parenting, among other important topics, in this wonderful
combination of clinical sophistication, common sense, and humanity
General
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