Throughout history, men and women during courtship have paid close
attention to each other's beliefs and opinions. The reason for this
is clear: the relationship could not possibly endure if there were
serious disagreements about the "right" or "wrong" way to do
things. Reaching the ideal form of companionship necessitates
establishing a foundation of interlocking attributes upon which to
build a marriage. Yet certain issues remain, such as how much
should one press for similarity in viewpoint, how differences in
outlook should be handled, and what level of difference should be
considered too extreme. Equal but Different, by Paul Dennis Sporer,
is an exceptional book that provides an original perspective on how
we might comprehend a person's true nature through the
interpretation of traits. Using analyses of historical events,
census statistics, opinion polls, surveys, and studies, Sporer
examines the devices that people use to cognize, match, and adjust
patterns of opinions and attitudes. He finds that similarities
between men and women in preferences and habits can smooth the path
through courtship and into married life. However, it is essential
to understand that differences can serve a vital function as well;
"difference" is not fundamentally equivalent to "disagreement" or
"dispute." Although perceptions of "difference" are to an extent
derived from familial and cultural factors, prejudices can stand in
the way of seeing how variations in personality can actually
strengthen a relationship. The book investigates changes in
interpretative concepts about personality attributes, where the
traditional ideal of love has not been rejected, but instead has
been "put on hold." A new, defective ideal has taken its place, one
that incorporates self-centered motivations. Sporer finds that in
the present generation, many men and women strongly prefer that the
range of traits be "compressed" into simplistic conformity. He
identifies the reasons why spouses are expected to be more similar
to each other in personality. Indeed, a remarkable overlapping in
temperament, background, and opinions in the "ideal" marriage
partner is now required because fewer compromises have to be made;
the perception is that less sacrifice means more independent
behavior and thus higher social status. Innovative social methods
are utilized to create a congruent and homogeneous set of traits,
with higher level education being the most powerful and durable of
these. Sporer also focuses on the difficulties that result from the
"homogenizing" of relationships, such as increased competition
between older and younger men for a younger woman's attentions. The
book also explores the historic roots of these contemporary
manifestations. In the early modern age, the fears engendered by
interpersonal differences first led to various attempts to delay
marriage, as well as an increase in unusual arrangements, such as
marriage of first cousins. In fact, the changes in gender roles in
the Nineteenth century can be largely attributed to efforts in
homogenizing personality traits. Further effects included the
modification of a range of beliefs about domestic life, such as
reducing the size of the "ideal" number of children that a woman
should have. We can see that the understanding of the most
distinctive, intimate, and individualistic aspects of a person
should be of critical importance in developing a long-lasting,
viable relationship. Equal but Different gives us an enlightened
new perspective on the inner meaning and value of personality
traits, and how such attributes affect relations between the sexes.
Although similarities in viewpoint and background can be strongly
attractive from the beginning of a relationship, dissimilarities
can open up rewarding new vistas that benefit both the man and
woman.
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