In 2009, T McKinley's brother committed suicide, and his first
question to himself was why he hadn't done the same. In this moving
and poignant memoir, McKinley takes the reader back through the
events that led to a lifelong struggle with depression, shame, and
inadequacy. Beginning with his own conception and birth and
continuing through his parents' divorce and the fragmentation of
his family, McKinley traces the origins and evolution of his
deep-seated belief that everyone would have been better off if he
had never existed at all. In this way, McKinley blamed, rejected,
and buried his inner child, setting himself up for a lifetime of
disconnection and depression. Years later, McKinley married, had
two children, and soon saw that he was repeating the same toxic
patterns that defined his own childhood. His feelings of
hopelessness continued to increase until the family bought a
fixer-upper house in suburban Virginia. As they sifted through the
rubble of the dysfunctional family that had come before, McKinley
was brought face-to-face with the pain that had buried him for far
too long. He began to realize his own value to his family and
reconnect with his own childhood-and the innocent child he had once
been-in a more compassionate and loving way. He realized he was not
broken, but that he did need to ask for help. Ultimately, through
this experience, McKinley was able to find the hope that his
brother never could. McKinley approaches difficult subjects with
insight and humor, in a direct and disarming way. Readers are
invited to approach their own issues with shame and depression with
compassion instead of fear, and to confront their own patterns of
disconnection and isolation with hope instead of powerlessness.
McKinley had contemplated suicide often, but he learned that
sometimes the greatest strength comes from admitting you need help.
T. McKinley has an undergraduate degree in religious studies and a
master's degree in folklore. He has worked a variety of jobs in his
life, including short-order cook, towel boy at a YMCA, sperm donor,
bartender, and professional cartoonist, and he spent six years
working as a stand-up comic in Los Angeles. For the past eighteen
years, he has taught English and theater in a variety of private
middle and high schools. He is a suicide survivor who is happily
married with two children.
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