How do you apologise when you're not sorry? Where can you make a fortune out of pretending to know the future? What's the best way to steal credit and avoid blame? These are the vital life skills that people need if they're going to make their way in the world. And they all involve one ingredient: flannel, the art of not saying what you mean. It's not exactly lying, but it's definitely not telling the truth. In Romps, Tots and Boffins, Robert Hutton brilliantly 'laid bare' the true meanings of the words we read in the papers. Following popular demand, he now turns his razor-sharp eye to the best, worst and most outlandish examples of waffle, fudging, obscurity, blame-shifting and point-scoring. In areas from politics to sports, academia, religion and self-help, it seems that glory, money and power flow far more freely to those who sidestep bald, ugly realities. You can steer a truck through the gap between a lie and the simple truth. This book tells you how to load the truck.

Follow the adventures of Charlie, an urban three-year-old on the fast track, and his slow-track mommy. In this hilarious volume, Charlie gets a haircut like Sting’s, runs up a tab at a baseball game, and prefers the garlic press to any of his expensive “educational� toys. Charlie is a kid learning to be a consumer. His mommy reveals important secrets, like which stroller is “in,� which is the “right� playgroup, and how to throw a fabulous fourth birthday party. Moms and dads alike will find these anecdotes of parenting at the end of the century to be truly priceless.

A humorous and insightful guide to what the British really mean when they speak. In every walk of life, from relationships, to work, to politics, sport and the news, our everyday use of English harbours duplicities of meaning. We say 'I'm sorry' when we mean 'absolute nonsense', and write 'Yours faithfully' when we're thinking 'Sod you!' Jealousy, rage, love, affection - we're equally good at disguising them all. Leaves on the Line compiles this secret language - this 'double English' - in a hilarious and forthright volume exposing the doublespeak of the British language. For the first time, everyday terms which we casually deploy to loved ones and total strangers, and have been thrown at us from the radio or TV will be 'glossed' (yes, we really mean 'stripped') to reveal the unadorned, raw truth below. The book will be over 200 hilarious phrases of common doublespeak and will be essential reading for everyone from puzzled foreigners to young people to whom the dark art of linguistic dissembling are not yet second nature. The book includes phrases and the truths behind them, such as: Transport: 'This service is delayed because of leaves on the track...' Social: 'I'm not being racist but...' Weather: 'Nice weather we're having...' Sport: 'We're taking each game as it comes...' Relationships: 'I've never met anyone like you before...' Polititcs: 'Spending on health has increased in real terms, year on year, since we were elected...' Word count: 30,000

A self-help guide to convert failures into success - Is Empowering and Motivating - Provides practical tips and techniques - Is a reserve of true failure-success stories - Is not a quick fix! - Has author's personal experiences and examples - Gives practical ways to convert Failures into Success

From the sublime to the ridiculous, Just My Typo is a hilarious collection of typographical errors, slips of the pen and embarrassing misprints which, like any typo of any kind, should never have happened, cannot be excused, and must not in any way be glorified. Enjoy. You'll travel back in time to meet great figures from history: Sir Francis Drake (who circumcised the world in a small ship), Queen Victoria (who pissed graciously over the Menai Bridge), and Rambo (the famous French poet). You'll find moral instruction ('Blessed are the meek, for they shall irrigate the earth') and pearls of wisdom ('love is just a passing fanny'). You'll be outraged by politicians who exploit disasters to boost their pubic profiles; entranced by lambs that gamble in the fields; concerned for a man who was admitted to hospital suffering from severe buns; and appalled to meet 11-year-old twins Helen and Ugh.

Rising young comedian Moshe Kasher is lucky to be alive. He started using drugs when he was just 12. At that point, he had already in psychoanlysis for 8 years. By the time he was 15, he had been in and out of several mental institutions, drifting from therapy to rehab to arrest to...you get the picture. But KASHER IN THE RYE is not an "eye opener" to the horrors of addiction. It's a hilarious memoir about the absurdity of it all.

When he was a young boy, Kasher's mother took him on a vacation to the West Coast. Well it was more like an abduction. Only not officially. She stole them away from their father and they moved to Oakland, California. That's where the real fun begins, in the war zone of Oakland Public Schools. He was more than just out of control-his mother walked him around on a leash, which he chewed through and ran away.

Those early years read like part Augusten Burroughs, part David Sedaris, with a touch of Jim Carrol...but a lot more Jewish. In fact, Kasher later spends time in a Brooklyn Hasidic community. Then came addicition...

Brutally honest and laugh-out-loud funny, Kasher's first literary endeavor finds humor in even the most horrifying situations.

THE GRIPES OF WRATH is guaranteed to make you laugh - and also make your blood boil! This mind-blowing collection of absurd and yet completely true stories, rules, claims, and crazy legislation portrays the Britain that we have become, almost without realizing it. Political columnist Simon Carr has scoured national and local newspapers, Hansard parliamentary reports, the minutes of parliamentary committee meetings, statements from quangos and local councils to compile hundreds of true stories, anecdotes and events that will prompt the scandalized response of: 'I don't believe it!'. From political sleaze to massaged waiting lists, from barmy health and safety concerns to bizarre compensation claims, everyone who believes in justice, decency, fair play and common sense will find something in this attractively produced book to infuriate them.

Twinkle, Twinkle Little Stars is the second delightful collection of stories and poems from Gervase Phinn. Following on from the terrific success of A Wayne in a Manger, Gervase Phinn has collected together from his bestselling Dales books his favourite stories about children, and included some poems from his popular Puffin poetry books. In this humorously illustrated book, the stories have one thing in common - the wonderfully funny (and usually innocent) things that children say. What makes Naomi's granny wobble? What's the secret ingredient in Richard's jam tarts? What is Billy's unconventional method for making babies? Whether they are stories about children who cannot read very well but know the names of many breeds of sheep or children who are more privileged (coming to school in a Wolls-Woyce), they are simply delightful. Twinkle, Twinkle Little Stars is a heart-warming book will enchant you, as Gervase Phinn helps you look at life through a child's eyes - and that's quite a special thing. 'Gervase Phinn's memoirs have made him a hero in school staff-rooms' Daily Telegraph Gervase Phinn is an author and educator from Rotherham who, after teaching for fourteen years in a variety of schools, moved to North Yorkshire to be a school inspector. He has written autobiographies, novels, plays, collections of poetry and stories, as well as a number of books about education. He holds five fellowships, honorary doctorates from Hull, Leicester and Sheffield Hallam universities, and is a patron of a number of children's charities and organizations. He is married with four adult children. His books include The Other Side of the Dale, Over Hill and Dale, Head Over Heels in the Dales, The Heart of the Dales, Up and Down in the Dales and Trouble at the Little Village School.

Do you feel like all your friends are 'getting old and boring', but you are getting younger by the day? Can you be heard saying the phrase '40 is the new 20'? Is your wardrobe on-trend, but for the second time round? It's official, you're in denial. You are middle-aged! You Know You're Middle-Aged When... is a hilarious collection of stories, anecdotes and quotes about other people's mid-life crises, along with tips on how to spot the telltale signs that youth is no longer on your side. Chapters include, You know you're middle aged-when: . You're Too Old to Party . It's Time to Dress Your Age; . You Feel the Need for Speed; . You Hit the Big 4-0. Entertaining and engaging, this book is guaranteed to have any old codger laughing out loud about their own descent into the twilight years.

The comic strip Shermana (TM)s Lagoon appears in more than 200 newspapers in 30 countries and in six languages. Toomeya (TM)s wonderful strip combines the upbeat tone of under-the-sea fun, with a real-life look that enlightens and entertains.
Jim Toomey's environmentally aware comic strip, "Sherman's Lagoon," appears in 150 newspapers in 30 countries and in 6 languages. Inside this latest cartoon collection, "Discover Your Inner Hermit Crab," more than 42 weeks of "Sherman's Lagoon" stand ready to transport readers to an imaginary lagoon near the South Pacific island of Kapupu in the Palauan archipelago of Micronesia, where a cast of coral-reef critters battles the encroachment of the hairless beach apes with their so-called civilized human ways.
Inhabitants of this nautical neighborhood include Sherman, an always-hungry-but-otherwise-typical great white shark; his witty, pearl-wearing wife, Megan; friendly Fillmore the turtle; geeky fish Ernest; macho hermit crab Hawthorne; and salty old Captain Quigley, who remains vengeful having lost his leg to Sherman.
Lauded for promoting marine conservation, Toomey has been described as a "breath of fresh water" by the "Washington Post" and designated as an Environmental Hero by the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration in recognition of his efforts to protect and preserve the nation's environment.

New York Magazine proclaims, "Twitter is the hot web company right now...the Next Big Thing;" the New York Times calls it "one of the fastest-growing phenomena on the Internet;" Time magazine claims "Twitter is on its way to becoming the next killer app;" and Newsweek notes that "Suddenly, it seems as though all the world′s a-twitter."

Since its creation in March 2006, Twitter has unleashed a torrent of self-expression from its six million members around the world, who send and read each others′ "tweets," messages up to 140 characters in length. Friends use the site to make plans; relatives use it to stay connected; politicians use it to lobby for votes; and humorists use it to perfect their craft. In fact, Twitter users have reinvented the classic medium of the witticism in a site where anyone can be a Dorothy Parker or an Oscar Wilde.

Twitter Wit is the first compilation of Twitter aphorisms, with submissions ranging from quotidian vignettes like "I bet in Sweden the Ikea instructions are in English" to bumper sticker-type quips like "I think the bird of love is the dove. My husband thinks it′s the swallow," and contributors ranging from celebrities like Shaquille O′Neal, Jimmy Fallon, Penn Jillette, John Cleese, and Steven Fry to regular people with previously unappreciated sharp tongues. Featuring a foreword by Twitter co-founder Biz Stone, this authorized anthology of the thousand most most clever and memorable "tweets" relates the diversity of human experience in hilarious bite-sized pieces.

When Dionysus the Renegade faked a Sophocles text in 400BC (cunningly inserting the acrostic 'Heraclides is ignorant of letters') to humiliate an academic rival, he paved the way for two millennia of increasingly outlandish literary hoaxers. The path from his mischievous stunt to more serious tricksters like the controversial memoirist and Oprah-duper James Frey, takes in every sort of writer: from the religious zealot to the bored student, via the vengeful academic and the out-and-out joker. But whether hoaxing for fame, money, politics or simple amusement, each perpetrator represents something unique about why we write. Their stories speak volumes about how reading, writing and publishing have grown out of the fine and private places of the past into big-business, TV-book-club-led mass-marketplaces which, some would say, are ripe for the ripping. For the first time, the complete history of this fascinating sub-genre of world literature is revealed. Suitable for bookworms of all ages and persuasions, this is true crime for people who don't like true crime, and literary history for the historically illiterate. A treat to read right through or to dip into, it will make you think twice next time you slip between the covers of an author you don't know...

REMOVE CHILD BEFORE FOLDING - A warning label put on an actual baby stroller, ostensibly because without such caution parents might crush their children and sue the stroller company for making a defective product. For years, the Michigan anti-lawsuit watch group M-LAW has held their yearly 'Wacky Warning Label' contest (this year's winner: a toilet brush whose maker warned, 'Do Not Use For Personal Hygiene'), in order to highlight the silliest labels ever pasted on actual appliances. REMOVE CHILD BEFORE FOLDING offers the 101 most ludicrous, silly and just plain stupid warning labels ever slapped onto perfectly good products, as well as some of the lawsuits that resulted from them. So before you drop that hairdryer in the bathtub, read these warnings: 'This Product Moves when Used' (from a popular child's scooter), 'Once used rectally, this thermometer should not be used orally' ('nuff said), 'Harmful if swallowed' (from a brass fishing lure with a three-pronged hook), 'May Irritate Eyes' (from a can of self-defense pepper spray).

A Wayne in a Manger is the hilarious compilation of nativity stories by Gervase Phinn. Discover some wonderfully funny and touching nativity play anecdotes, including children forgetting their lines, ad-libbing, falling of the stage, picking their noses and showing their knickers. One brilliant anecdote tells of an innkeeper who generously says there's plenty of room for Mary and Joseph, while another child, jealous of Joseph's starring role, allows Mary to come in but not Joseph, who can 'push off' ... There's the baby Jesus who suddenly pipes up with 'My name is Tammy, are you my Mommy?' and funniest of all, Mary who tells Joseph, 'I'm having a baby - oh and it's not yours'. Gervase Phinn's A Wayne in a Manger is the perfect gift this Christmas. 'Gervase Phinn's memoirs have made him a hero in school staff-rooms' Daily Telegraph Gervase Phinn is an author and educator from Rotherham who, after teaching for fourteen years in a variety of schools, moved to North Yorkshire to be a school inspector. He has written autobiographies, novels, plays, collections of poetry and stories, as well as a number of books about education. He holds five fellowships, honorary doctorates from Hull, Leicester and Sheffield Hallam universities, and is a patron of a number of children's charities and organizations. He is married with four adult children. His books include The Other Side of the Dale, Over Hill and Dale, Head Over Heels in the Dales, The Heart of the Dales, Up and Down in the Dales and Trouble at the Little Village School.

Brilliantly observed, funny, bittersweet, Joyce Grenfell's witty sketches and songs never fail to entertain. This edition contains all the material in the original volumes of George, Don't Do That and Stately as a Galleon, including the bloodthirsty 'Ethel' and the unforgettable nursery school monologues.

Selected by bestselling author Joey Green, a collection of 400 quotes by Marx and Lennon, juxtaposed to reveal their hilarious similarities No, not THAT Marx and Lenin Here's a much funnier and artistically talented pair from history. Revolutionaries in their own rights, John Lennon and Groucho Marx did not share much common ground with their Communist namesakes, or even with each other. Where they do overlap is through their very humorous and irreverent takes on life. Editor Joey Green brings together a collection of more than 400 Groucho Marx and John Lennon sayings, juxtaposed to emphasize their hysterical and unexpected similarities.

Judge for yourself. Here are over 100 memorable misstatements by our syntactically challenged president, collected, annotated, and introduced by Slate magazine's Jacob Weisberg.

He has reached every level of Myst. Her room is littered with soda cans. He idolizes Data from Star Trek®. But all your favorite geek really wants is to be understood....

Whether you're friends with a geek, work with one, love one, or hate one, The Geek Handbook provides handy instructions for analyzing and understanding all things geek, including:

How Your Geek Relates to Others
Geek organizations and gathering spots

Getting Your Geek to Exercise
Klingon™ martial arts as workout strategy

The Geek Diet
Soda, pizza, and other geek food groups; how to help your geek thrive

With an attitude of love and a heart that's overflowing with joy. Barbara Johnson helps you learn not only to endure life, but to enjoy it!

Miraculum Monstrum is an epic hybrid narrative about Tristia Vogel, a female artist who experiences a radical physical transformation, beginning with the excrescence of apparent wings. Though she is possibly an anomalous mutation resulting from worldwide ecological upheaval, the bird/woman is co-opted by a religious cult that claims to have prophesied her experience; she is thus written as the central figure of their scriptural text. The fragmentary poem that is Miraculum Monstrum, which bears the same name as the fictitious codex quoted throughout, is presented within a catalog for an exhibit of visual artifacts and writings that chronicle this speculative history. The exhibition curator persona performs a duel function as narrative voice within the poem and critical commentator on the exhibit.

No poems can live long or please that are written by water-drinkers. Horace, Roman poet I like [champagne] because it always tastes as though my foot is asleep. Art Buchwald In Wine Froth, Washington Post wine columnist Dick Rosano celebrates 8,000 years of wine-stained history with this droll, profound, bizarre, hilarious, charming, and totally entertaining collection of wine quotes, anecdotes, and trivia. Here s another sample: Richard Nixon knew his wines, and which were being served at White House dinner functions. He instructed the serving staff to hide the labels of certain bottles, and that he was to be poured the best of them, and particular guests were to get the other stuff. Also included in this richly illustrated little book are scores of tips to help make wine a little easier to enjoy, such as: adding kosher salt to your bucket of ice will chill wine faster. Merlot is French for little blackbird"

The Best Mum in the World is a glorious collection of more than 300 quotes celebrating mothers and motherhood. Mums have deservedly attracted thousands of amazing quotes, thoughts and observations and this unique anthology features contributions from the deeply philosophical to the wonderfully humorous, and is the perfect present to say thank you for all their hard work on your behalf. With witty and wonderful quotes from the stars of stage, screen and literature, the worlds of music, comedy and politics, The Best Mum in the World makes for a delightful book and gift. 'A mother is one to whom you hurry when you are troubled.' Emily Dickinson. 'All I am I owe to my mother.' George Washington. 'Whatever else is unsure in this stinking dunghill of a world a mother's love is not.' James Joyce. 'God could not be everywhere, and therefore he made mothers.' Ruyard Kipling.