I'll Mature When I'm Dead is the New York Times bestseller from "the funniest man in America" (New York Times). Let Pulitzer Prize-winning humorist and nationally unrecognized voice of maturity Dave Barry make the journey to adulthood a little easier-and a lot funnier. Not everyone has to be dragged kicking and screaming through adulthood. Dave Barry will help through this process-with his hilarious takes on parenting, changing self-image, the battle of the sexes, technology, health care, celebrityhood, and even vampires!

THE GRIPES OF WRATH is guaranteed to make you laugh - and also make your blood boil! This mind-blowing collection of absurd and yet completely true stories, rules, claims, and crazy legislation portrays the Britain that we have become, almost without realizing it. Political columnist Simon Carr has scoured national and local newspapers, Hansard parliamentary reports, the minutes of parliamentary committee meetings, statements from quangos and local councils to compile hundreds of true stories, anecdotes and events that will prompt the scandalized response of: 'I don't believe it!'. From political sleaze to massaged waiting lists, from barmy health and safety concerns to bizarre compensation claims, everyone who believes in justice, decency, fair play and common sense will find something in this attractively produced book to infuriate them.

"The New Yorker" is, of course, a bastion of superb essays, influential investigative journalism, and insightful arts criticism. But for eighty years, it's also been a hoot. In fact, when Harold Ross founded the legendary magazine in 1925, he called it "a comic weekly," and while it has grown into much more, it has also remained true to its original mission. Now an uproarious sampling of its funny writings can be found in a hilarious new collection, one as satirical and witty, misanthropic and menacing, as the first, "Fierce Pajamas." From the 1920s onward-but with a special focus on the latest generation-here are the humorists who set the pace and stirred the pot, pulled the leg and pinched the behind of America.
S. J. Perelman unearths the furious letters of a foreign correspondent in India to the laundry he insists on using in Paris ("Who charges six francs to wash a cummerbund?!"). Woody Allen recalls the "Whore of Mensa," who excites her customers by reading Proust (or, if you want, two girls will explain Noam Chomsky). Steve Martin's pill bottle warns us of side effects ranging from hair that smells of burning tires to teeth receiving radio broadcasts. Andy Borowitz provides his version of theater-lobby notices ("In Act III, there is full frontal nudity, but not involving the actor you would like to see naked"). David Owen's rules for dating his ex-wife start out magnanimous and swiftly disintegrate into sarcasm, self-loathing, and rage, and Noah Baumbach unfolds a history of his last relationship in the form of Zagat reviews.
Meanwhile, off in a remote "willage" in Normandy, David Sedaris is drowning a mouse ("This was for the best, whether the mouse realized it or not").
Plus asides, fancies, rebukes, and musings from Patty Marx, Calvin Trillin, Bruce McCall, Garrison Keillor, Veronica Geng, Ian Frazier, Roy Blount, Jr., and many others.
If laughter is the best medicine, "Disquiet, Please" is truly a wonder drug.

"From the Hardcover edition."

The ultimate collection of X-rated and decidedly politically incorrect limericks! This bumper new volume contains over 2,000 dirty verses, from the moderately blue to the absolutely filthy - all illustrated throughout by Gray Jolliffe, creator of the bestselling Wicked Willie cartoon character. Here are verses so rude that even a blonde would blush, on subjects ranging from the bedroom to the bathroom and beyond. You'll find plenty of up-to-date limericks relevant to contemporary life as well as lewd old favourites on every imaginable topic, all of them guaranteed to make you laugh. Includes many newly devised limericks. On the breast of a barmaid named Gail Was written the price of the ale And on her behind, For the sake of the blind Was the same information in Braille.

Ten years in the making, Dribble! is an A-Z of credulity-twanging facts and stories about what Pele once memorably dubbed 'my bloody job'. It includes definitive explanations of everyday phrases such as 'the magic of the cup' and 'low centre of gravity'; a complete guide to becoming a terrace character and an in-depth account of how Roy Keane's pyjamas got him a smack on the nose . . . It also addresses hitherto ignored aspects of the beautiful game, including its longstanding relationship with Country and Western. Johnny Cash dubbed himself 'The Man in Black' in homage to his idol, referee Arthur Ellis and wrote what is arguably the greatest song ever written about the life of an assistant referee - 'I Walk the Line'.

After a riotous debut collection, Ant Farm, Simon Rich returns to mine more comedy from our hopelessly terrifying world. In the nostalgic opening chapter, Rich recalls his fear of the Tooth Fairy ("Is there a face fairy?") and his initial reaction to the "Got-your-nose" game ("Please just kill me. Better to die than to live the rest of my life as a monster"). He gets inside the heads of two firehouse Dalmatians who can't understand their masters' compulsion to drive off to horrible fires every day" "("What the hell is wrong with these people?"). And in the final chapter, he tackles one of life's biggest questions: Does God really have a plan for us? Yes, " "it turns out. Now if only He could remember what it was. . . .

A decade and one dog after penning the bestselling Racing Pigs And Giant Marrows, and inspired by the purchase of his new hound, a petit basset-griffon Vendeen called Little Man, Harry Pearson returns to the world of stalking, ferreting and beating with this ramble through the countryside. Harry Pearson was born into a dog-loving family and grew up with a variety of spaniels, terriers, collies and mongrels. He currently spends several hours every day running along behind a bassett-griffon pretending he really intended to go that way himself. Within these pages will be found anecdotes culled from forty-five years of living with dogs, wise observations on canine and human behaviour, historical tales of famous dogs, learned speculations on nature and descriptions of life in the real English countryside - a place where there are otters in the river, glue-sniffers in the woods and fisticuffs over fishing rights.

This compact book is a sequel to Laugh Lines for Educators and will provide educators with more laughs, chuckles, and grins. The book contains humorous stories, jokes, and original artwork organised around the following themes: Children, Teaching, School Daze (children in school), and Special Occasions. The book can be used as a collection of ideas for icebreakers, staff meetings, newsletters and written correspondence, cards, speeches and presentations, and as clever, pick-me-up reading posting in the office or teacher lounge.

Celebrities would have us believe they lead a charmed life, and never make mistakes like us mere mortals. Charmed life my arse! With his wicked trademark wit, Ricky Tomlinson reveals the truth: they're just as likely to suffer from bloopers, blunders and bloody awful cock-ups as the rest of us. Packed with hilarious gossip and stories, and with a cast of characters from golden age superstars right through to reality TV wannabes, CELEBRITIES MY ARSE! is the perfect book for anyone who wants to know what goes on when the camera isn't looking . . .

REMOVE CHILD BEFORE FOLDING - A warning label put on an actual baby stroller, ostensibly because without such caution parents might crush their children and sue the stroller company for making a defective product. For years, the Michigan anti-lawsuit watch group M-LAW has held their yearly 'Wacky Warning Label' contest (this year's winner: a toilet brush whose maker warned, 'Do Not Use For Personal Hygiene'), in order to highlight the silliest labels ever pasted on actual appliances. REMOVE CHILD BEFORE FOLDING offers the 101 most ludicrous, silly and just plain stupid warning labels ever slapped onto perfectly good products, as well as some of the lawsuits that resulted from them. So before you drop that hairdryer in the bathtub, read these warnings: 'This Product Moves when Used' (from a popular child's scooter), 'Once used rectally, this thermometer should not be used orally' ('nuff said), 'Harmful if swallowed' (from a brass fishing lure with a three-pronged hook), 'May Irritate Eyes' (from a can of self-defense pepper spray).

In the sacred and honorable tradition of The Onion comes a hilarious and outrageous collection of 'Church Newsletters' that gleefully skewer America's religious right. The Godly ministers at Landover Baptist Church (Guaranteeing Salvation Since 1612!) have been sending out their newsletters for years, helping save those headed for damnation from falling into the devil's clutches. Making sure that no Christian is left behind and that all non-believers burn in Hell, Pasto Deacon Fred and his band of merry white preachers share such righteous wisdom as 'How children can win a Playstation (r) 3 by accepting jesus Christ as their personal Saviour' and 'How to prevent from turning Macy's into Neverland Ranch.' Complete with Bible Quizzes, Sacreligious Sidebars and mug shots of America's damned, Welcome to Jesusland! Is sure to bcome a classic of religious and political humour - while cleansing heathens frm the Earth (or at least from those pesky Blue States).

From the wickedly hilarious pen of Southern humorist Celia Rivenbark comes a collection of essays that brings to mind Dave Barry (in high heels) or Jeff Foxworthy (in a prom dress).
"Bright, witty, and warm."
---"St. Petersburg Times"
"Hilarious---and right on the money."
---"The Charlotte Observer"
"Just when you think Erma Bombeck strip-mined the comedy out of motherhood, Rivenbark shows off some sparkling new gems."
---"The State "(Columbia, SC)
Step into the wacky world of "womanless wedding" fund-raisers, in which Bubbas wear boas. Meet two sisters who fight rural boredom by washing Budweiser cans and cutting them into pieces to make clothing. Learn why the word "snow" sends any right-thinking Southerner careening to the Food Lion for extra loaves of bread and little else.
Humor columnist and slightly crazed belle-by-birth Celia Rivenbark tackles these and other lard-laden subjects in "Bless Your Heart, Tramp, "a hilarious look at Southern---and just plain human---foibles, up-close and personal.
So pour yourself a glass of sweet tea and curl up on the pie-azza with "Bless Your Heart, Tramp,"

Sports. It's what drives millions of people to work hard, play hard - and laugh even harder. In this classic collection of athletics-inspired wit, with his unique ability to integrate sports into everyday life, Scheft will take on: * Theft: 'Despite his problems with the law, Allen Iverson jerseys are still flying off the shelves. And they've even sold a couple.' * The Boston Red Sox: 'Just wondering. Do you think for Daylight Savings, Grady Little will set his clocks back four batters?' * Politics: 'Did you catch the Democratic convention? I haven't heard that many empty promises in the Fleet Center since Rick Pitino left town.' * Television Cross-promotion: 'At one point I could have sworn I heard Tim McCarver say July 31 was the deadline for Trading Spouses.' With brand new additions and outtakes showcasing Bill's signature humour, THE BEST OF 'THE SHOW' is a look at the world of sports through a truly cracked - and hilarious - lens.

I have always collected football stories like other people collect stamps, and it's great to get this opportunity to stick them in a book' From the bestselling author of RICKY comes this collection of hilarious anecdotes about football, with stories about the stars themselves, the fans, the girlfriends, the managers ... in fact every aspect of the beautiful - and occasionally ridiculous - game. Recounted with Ricky Tomlinson's trademark wit, this is a bright and brilliantly entertaining collection that will delight football fans everywhere.

Why couldn't the Sopranos survive living down South? Simple. You can't shoot a guy full of holes after eating chicken and pastry, spoon bread, okra, and tomatoes.
What does a Southern woman consider grounds for divorce? When daddy takes the kids out in public dressed in their pajama tops and Tweety Bird swim socks. Again.
What is the Southern woman's opinion of a new "fat virus" theory? Bring it on! We've got a lot of skinny friends we need to sneeze on.
In this wickedly funny follow-up to her bestselling novel "Bless Your Heart, Tramp," Celia Rivenbark welcomes you, once again, to the South she loves, the land of "Mama and them," "precious and dahlin'," and mommies who mow. Y'all come back now, you hear?

‘I stopped off at the Peace Gardens – a memorial straddling the US–Canadian border commemorating 'Lasting Peace Between America and Canada', as if there had ever been a problem. Show me a garden commemorating Peace Between America and, say, Iraq and I’ll be impressed.
America is like a beauty contestant. It’s gorgeous, until it opens its mouth.’

From the similarities between US gun laws and British drinking hours, to what cryptic crosswords really tell us about the British psyche, American in London Rich Hall casts a keen eye on the lunatic contradictions and weird marvels of his native and adoptive homelands.

‘Full of acute left-field reflections on America and Americans, plus some marvellously irreverent sketches …wise, witty and strangely true' GUARDIAN
 

Among the provocative social phenomena of our time, few have caught the public fancy as profoundly as that quintessentially American species known as Bubba. The conventional notion of Bubba is a Southern redneck who thinks a rented movie and a six-pack are quality entertainment. According to Dan Jenkins, this historical view has been advanced largely by "effete Easterners and West Coast ponytails who claim to like trout pizza and fat novels written by some kind of Ecuadorian". Granted, says Jenkins, there is more than one Bubba from Georgia who has spray-painted his girl's name on an overpass. But there is also more than one Bubba from Chicago who will do his Christmas shopping at Graceland. Bubba, Jenkins concludes, is a state of mind, and he proceeds to let Bubba define himself by speaking on topics ranging from beer to ballet, from haircuts to the homeless.

Everyone loves wordplay! This collection of more than eight hundred quips and pun-filled anecdotes will have your friends in stitches! Classics and new inventions fill these pages with humor and wit. Divided into chapters according to theme-animals, celebrities, careers, food, and so on-there's a pun for every occasion! Author Gary Blake dares you not to snicker at his contrivances: Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. Davy Crockett had three ears. A left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier. A backwards poet writes inverse. Santa's helpers are subordinate Clauses. Like tavern owners, ballet dancers make most of their money at the barre. Horses in the movies only have bit parts. Why does the Pope travel so much? Because he's a roamin' Catholic. Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother. Eve was the first person to eat herself out of house and home. I used to work in a blanket factory, but the company folded. The calendar thief only got twelve months. A great gift or coffee table book, there's no time like the present to order a copy of Does the Name Pavlov Ring a Bell? for the word-twisting, pun-loving humorist in your life.

From the first swig to the last drop, beer is jolly scrummy, and this sozzled collection of retro photos and frightfully funny captions capture everything to love about a pint of giggle water. The Wit and Wisdom of... is a series of terrifically humorous books brought to you by the rip-roaringly funny folks behind the best-selling On-the-Ceiling greetings cards. Perfect as a birthday, Christmas or Father's Day gift for beer lovers everywhere. Also available: The Wit and Wisdom of Wine The Wit and Wisdom of Mum The Wit and Wisdom of Dad The Wit and Wisdom of the Husband The Wit and Wisdom of the Wife

From the first sip to the last drop, wine is spiffingly jolly, and this sozzled collection of retro photos and frightfully funny captions capture everything to love about a bottle of plonk. The Wit and Wisdom of... is a series of terrifically humorous books brought to you by the rip-roaringly funny folks behind the best-selling On-the-Ceiling greetings cards. Perfect as a birthday or Christmas gift for wine lovers everywhere. Also available: The Wit and Wisdom of Beer The Wit and Wisdom of Mum The Wit and Wisdom of Dad The Wit and Wisdom of the Husband The Wit and Wisdom of the Wife

Bake a cake in a mug; take part in a people-watching challenge; create a time capsule; diarise a week of your life and learn to make origami. Fully illustrated and packed with a host of games, activities and pranks, Alfie invites you to join his online following as he challenges you to complete your journal of pointlessness and do virtually nothing with pride.

Alfie Deyes is back with another instalment of his unique brand of nothingness. Bigger, better and even more pointless,The Pointless Book 2 is once again full of hilarious challenges and crazy activities, and the ultimate accessory to Alfie's wonderful PointlessBlog. With all the humour and quirkiness of Alfie's celebrated YouTube site, Pointless Book 2 is packed with a host of games, activities, dares, pranks and jokes - and, of course, an exclusive digital app to take you closer to Alfie and the PointlessBlog. Fully illustrated and endlessly entertaining, Alfie invites you back to his Pointless party and to once again do virtually nothing with pride!

"If the Clintons' marriage were any more about convenience, they'd have to install a Slurpee machine and a Slim-Jim rack. -- Dennis Miller
Democrats couldn't care less if people in Indiana hate them. But if Europeans curl their lips, liberals can't look at themselves in the mirror. -- Ann Coulter
Hubert Humphrey talks so fast that listening to him is like trying to read Playboy magazine with your wife turning over the pages. - Senator Barry Goldwater, on the Vice President
John Kerry says the 'W' in George W. Bush stands for 'Wrong.' But he still can't explain what John Kerry stands for. - - David Letterman, on the 2004 Democratic Party presidential nominee"

Oh, those hapless, bumbling. confused Democrats. You almost want to feel sorry for them. They are like squealing toddlers, all clinging to their partisan security blanket known as the Mommy Party. As pundit James Carville succinctly put it, "Eighty percent of the people who call themselves Democrats don't have a clue as to political reality."
Now with "The Nastiest Things Ever Said About Democrats," you have ample proof of their misguided ways and thickheaded beliefs."
"Make this compilation your go-to source for quotes about Democrats. The book will certainly come in handy whenever you're going up against your left-wing adversaries. Give those loudmouth liberals the lip. Choose a zinger. Let the quotes fly, and stand back. Good luck on the political battlefield.

This expanded and updated version of the best-selling This Dog'll Hunt includes the best of two previous books along with many new additions of useful and amusing information and colorful "Texasisms" arranged in dictionary format. A fun-to-read Texas language reference, perfect for anyone wanting to talk and understand Texan or for adding real Texas flavor to writing and speaking projects.

Be prepared to be truly revolted at this nausea-inducing book of the grossest of the gross facts. Hold on tight to your breakfast and keep the smelling salts handy as you discover: on a daily average you will inhale 1 litre of others' anal gasses. The biggest tapeworm ever found inside the human body was 33 metres long. You'll find yourself laughing and shaking your head in disgust.