More than 500 quotes are brought together in this book, showcasing the creative minds of some of the thousands of people who have ordered printed tshirts through the website tshirtcandy.com. Some of the quotes will amuse and startle, but don't forget that each and every one was placed prominently across the front (and occasionally back) of a tshirt for all to see. Enjoy this showcase for standing out from the crowd, for being unique, and having the courage to display your message to all, proudly.

Finally in paperback with lots of brand-new jokes from today's top comedians.
What could be funnier than a great joke? How about 2,000 great jokes? In this side splitting compendium, revised and updated and featuring a new introduction by Drew Carey, members of the world-renowned Friars Club and other comedians provide zingers for every occasion, situation, and taste.
Organized alphabetically and by topic, this book is made for browsing, but it's also perfect for finding icebreakers for social occasions, adding a touch of humor to business speeches, and spicing up toasts.
Hundreds of the best-known comedians are represented, including Sarah Silverman, Ellen Degeneres, Lewis Black, Ray Romano, Milton Berle, Carol Burnett, George Burns, George Carlin, Johnny Carson, Billy Crystal, Phyllis Diller, Bob Hope, Alan King, Richard Lewis, Bob Newhart, Rita Rudner, Jerry Seinfeld, Robin Williams, and tons more.
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A life: a shared time of feelings. What is it in reality? Could our just being here, be but a memory. "Heaven forbid." But in our world, can we place ourselves in memory? She lives for the laughter; the people who walk in her world.the stories become her memory. She calls her grandmother long distance. -Grandmother answered and she starts the conversation with -hi grandma- what have you been doing? - Her grandmother talks some of her world. -They chat for a few, then a feeling comes to her, and she says -you know, I don't think you're my grandma-. And grandmother replies, -I don't think you're my granddaughter either-. Ok, - well have a good day, and it was nice talking to you. - Should I call again? She laughs, "Only you girl." It's her son's birthday today. The children are at school, and needing to get the birthday cake made, she decides to get the woodcook stove heated up. (Thinking about how hot the oven needs to be, and how much to let it cool down.) She gets the angle food cake mixed and in the oven. Going to the stove to check on the cake, she opens the oven door. There is the blackest cake rising to the top of the oven, gets there, and then down it come It ends up about 2 inches tall, burnt black -Now what do I do-? -I don't have anything else-. Mind made up, just scrap the sides and top, she frosts it with a nice white frosting, (trying not to cry while at it)..Opening presents, the best part. The cake...not so good. One of her most humiliating moments ever Taking a trip home to her parents house, she's so excited to see them, and her siblings. The day is glorious, she and her mom are outside visiting, and the guys are out back working on a vehicle. David the oldest brother arrives, deciding to help them with their chore, he comes around from out back taking off his shirt, and he hands it to her -Here sis, would you take care of this for me? - It's a nice white shirt, (he just came from church). Sure, then she gets the water hose and wets the shirt down. Hangs it on the clothesline, laughing the whole time. Mom says: -Oh girl, you don't want to do that. He will get even - Then thinking of what she just did, she decides to hide. Here comes David, taking a look around for his shirt, and spots it hanging on the line dripping with water She's hiding behind the drapes in the house and can see the look on his face. It's -oh where is she - The hunt was on.Finally he gets in his pickup and goes up the road. She couldn't believe it. - David giving up that soon. - Well, fun for the day. She decides to go out and brag to the guys about how she had finally got David. On her way, out of the bushes, David jumps and grabs her, (screaming to the top of her lungs) as he picks up the hose and proceeds to drown her. He had circled around the block, and waiting for her to do just as she did. -Go to brag. - Payback, the moral of this story: When she was at the dating age, (16) it seemed that whenever she had company, as in boyfriend, there he was..If they were sitting in the car, his face would be plastered on the window. Fingers in ears, wiggling the hands, (you can see the picture). One time, she and date are on their way to the movies. Up jumps David from the back seat. -Where are we going? - Later in time, she lives in Salt Lake and the phone rings: It's Mom, -too bad you aren't down here, cause David is going on his first date tonight Would she have loved to been there. - Maybe payback time-.

"His folksy humor...has made him a hit in the heartland...Don't bet a little plain ol' charm won't work just as well on the rest of the country."--"Philadelphia"" Inquirer"

For the record, here's the official definition of a guy: A person who doesn't think before he speaks. He can't. He's not that deep. Because a guy has only three basic needs: eating, sleeping, and sex. That's it. "Just a Guy" chronicles a "lifetime" in pursuit of those needs.

In this hilarious and heartfelt memoir, Bill Engvall takes you on the rollicking ride of his life, beginning with his childhood in Texas and adolescence in Arizona, becoming a fixture in local emergency rooms, the result of massive amounts of non-thinking behavior trying to impress girls or torture his sisters; to high school in Dallas where he dabbled in an array of truly odd jobs and came of age; to college and his tenure as his fraternity's social chairman, where he masterminded a series of legendary parties; to following his dream as a standup comic and, gulp, singer; to his bumbling and riotous courtship, then marriage to Gail, the love of his life; and, finally, fatherhood, where he remains, to this day, a well-meaning, but flawed parent.

Through it all, Bill gamely stumbles along, struggling to maintain a facade of confidence and control. Far from a superhero, Bill Engvall is an everyday Everyman, the poster boy for normal. The result is just a guy who is disarming, perceptive, wildly funny, and unexpectedly moving.

"The sensitive parts of the book...truly stand out."--"Publishers Weekly"

"Bottom line: if you like Blue Collar TV or are just looking for some good comedy, this is a great book to pick up."--"Blogcritics.org"

With over 100,000 copies in print, the 2008 release "Jokes Every Man Should Know" proved that some subjects are evergreen - especially when packaged in a stylish pocket-size hardcover. Now Quirk is proud to introduce the perfect companion volume: "Insults Every Man Should Know". From the ancient Chinese insult Screw your ancestors for eighteen generations back to Jeff Foxworthy's Just how many times were you circumcised, this handsome anthology collects the world's finest insults, along with commentary and historical context. Topics include: Insulting Someone's Intelligence; Insulting Someone's Sexual Prowess; Insults for the Office; Comebacks, Insulting Gestures, and Backhanded; Compliments; and, much more.

Romping through his private and professional lives, a child psychologist culls funny, outrageous and sometimes sad vignettes in which he:
is spooked by a lump of blue coal is involved in a nun's death orders up a pornographic pizza meets a beady-eyed snowman lends Betsy Ross a helping hand is outwitted by a raccoon treats Santa Claus for a seasonal depression conjures up a killer dog as a pet resolves a child's birthday dilemma is stumped by a locked room murder mystery confronts a Latino Santa Claus in a grocery store survives in the world of competitive bridge tournaments, and still has the energy to write more unique and off-beat stories, blending reality with fantasy, in a light-hearted and amusing style.

An opportunity to enjoy world wide humour.

AN EMPHATICALLY FEMINIST HISTORY OF DATING 'A new approach to romance... The heroines of Regency novels could teach today's young women a trick or two' Sunday Times What if Mr Darcy had simply been able to swipe right? 'This book was a real education for me. It's like a Lonely Planet guidebook to dating.' Gilo 'Lessons to learn for committed singletons and happily married alike, and everyone in between.' Anon 'I loved it.' Adele Taylor 'I found it hard to put down.' richie666 Dating has never been easy. The road to true love has always been rutted with heartbreak, but do we have it any easier today? How did Victorians 'come out'? How did love blossom in war-torn Europe? And why did 80s video-dating never take off? Bursting with little-known facts and tantalizing tales of lovelorn men and besotted women, Nichi Hodgson's intriguing history of amorous relationships, from enamoured Georgians to frenziedly swiping millennials (and everyone in between) may leave you grateful that you live - and love - today.

"David Sedaris's ability to transform the mortification of everyday life into wildly entertaining art," ("The Christian Science Monitor") is elevated to wilder and more entertaining heights than ever in this remarkable new book.
Trying to make coffee when the water is shut off, David considers using the water in a vase of flowers and his chain of associations takes him from the French countryside to a hilariously uncomfortable memory of buying drugs in a mobile home in rural North Carolina. In essay after essay, Sedaris proceeds from bizarre conundrums of daily life-having a lozenge fall from your mouth into the lap of a fellow passenger on a plane or armoring the windows with LP covers to protect the house from neurotic songbirds-to the most deeply resonant human truths. Culminating in a brilliant account of his venture to Tokyo in order to quit smoking, David Sedaris's sixth essay collection is a new masterpiece of comic writing from "a writer worth treasuring" ("Seattle Times").
Praise for When You Are Engulfed in Flames:
"Older, wiser, smarter and meaner, Sedaris...defies the odds once again by delivering an intelligent take on the banalities of an absurd life." --"Kirkus Reviews"
This latest collection proves that not only does Sedaris still have it, but he's also getting better....Sedaris's best stuff will still--after all this time--move, surprise, and entertain." --"Booklist"
Table of Contents:
It's Catching
Keeping Up
The Understudy
This Old House
Buddy, Can You Spare a Tie?
Road Trips
What I Learned
That's Amore
The Monster Mash
In the Waiting Room
Solutions to Saturday's Puzzle
Adult Figures Charging Toward aConcrete Toadstool
Memento Mori
All the Beauty You Will Ever Need
Town and Country
Aerial
The Man in the Hut
Of Mice and Men
April in Paris
Crybaby
Old Faithful
The Smoking Section

"This strip is the culmination of a life's worth of dreams. I'm using the opportunity to entertain, enlighten, and be the trembly voice of the socially awkward everywhere." --Cory Thomas

An edgy and nuanced strip--chronicling the demanding but reflective lives of six urban teens at Oliver Otis University.

Cory Thomas's "Watch Your Head" is presented through the eyes of Cory, an academically brilliant but socially inept college student. His friends at Otis U. include Omar, a recluse who seems umbilically tied to his computer; Quincy, Omar's friend (and therefore Cory's friend by default); and Kevin, who, as both a Canadian and one of the few whites on a predominantly black campus, feels like a foreigner times two. Robin, the object of Cory's crush, and Jason, Cory's roommate and polar opposite, round out the cast.

Through this diverse group, Thomas provides a raw critique on current social issues while perfectly relating the amusements, angst, and growth that come with the college experience.

"Watch Your Head" currently appears in papers stretching from New York, Washington, D.C., and Boston to Chicago, Dallas, and St. Petersburg. This inaugural book offering collects more than 40 weeks of strips.

Celia Rivenbark is an intrepid explorer and acid commentator on the land south of the Mason-Dixon Line. In this collection of screamingly funny essays, you'll discover:
*How to get your kid into a character breakfast at Disney World (or run the risk of eating chicken out of a bucket with Sneezy)*Secrets of Celebrity Moms (don't hate them because they're beautiful when there are so many other reasons)*ebay addiction and why "It ain't worth having if it ain't on ebay"*Why today's children's clothes make six-year-olds look like Vegas showgirls with an abundance of anger issues*And so much more!
Celia Rivenbark's essays about life in today's South are like caramel popcorn---sweet, salty, and utterly irresistible.

Where would our country be without its proud traditions? Beer, ballads, blokes - and the ability to laugh at yourself? Where would our country be without its proud traditions? Beer, ballads, blokes - and the ability to laugh at yourself. Folklorist Warren Fahey's fabulous collection of Aussie jokes is guaranteed to entertain and offend absolutely everyone! GENERAL RULES OF AUSSIE EtIQUEttE 1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them. 3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets. 5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take the trailer to the funeral home. Warren Fahey, larrikin, balladeer, author and professional joke collector, has done all the hard work for you by bunging together all his favourite gags: the ones about marriage and men, about work and cars, about politics, foreigners (especially that lot across the tasman) and religion. So all you have to do is laugh. Which you will, or risk being branded a dickhead. the Big Fat Book of Aussie Jokes is the biggest, fattest, funniest joke book in the land..

Kinky Friedman is back, and with "'Scuse Me While I Whip This Out" he gets it on with all manner of egos. In this collection of twisted takes on life, the Kinkster gives us funny, irreverent, and insightful looks at outsized personalities from people he's known, like Bill Clinton, George W., Willie Nelson, and Bob Dylan -- not to mention Joseph Heller and Don Imus -- to people he's known in spirit, such as Moses, Jesus, Jack Ruby, and Hank Williams. With his meditations on subjects ranging from sleeping at the White House, marriage, his pets, fishing in Borneo, country music, and cigars to the tribulations of possessing talent, Kinky doesn't deny us the "flashes of brilliance and laugh-out-loud observations" (Rocky Mountain News) that are present in all his other work.

Hilarious, irreverent, and passionately twisted, "'Scuse Me While I Whip This Out" reads as if it were written by a slightly ill modern-day Mark Twain.

Share the shame.

In the days before blogs, teenagers recorded their lives with a pen in top-secret notebooks, usually emblazoned with an earnest, underlined plea to parents to keep away. Since 2002, David Nadelberg has tapped that vast wellspring of adolescent anguish in the stage show "Mortified," in which grown men and women confront their past with firsthand tales of their first kiss, first puff, worst prom, fights with mom, life at bible camp, worst hand job, best mall job, and reasons they deserved to marry Simon LeBon.

Following the same formula that has made the live show a beloved cult hit, "Mortified" the book takes real childhood journals and documents and edits the entries into captivating, comedic, and cathartic stories, introduced by their now older (and allegedly wiser) authors. From letters begging rescue from a hellish summer camp to catty locker notes about stuck-up classmates to obsessive love that borders on stalking, "Mortified" gives voice to the real -- and really pathetic -- hopes, fears, desires, and creative urgings that have united adolescents for generations.

Jen Lancaster hates to burst your happy little bubble, but life in the big city isn't all it's cracked up to be. Contrary to what you see on TV and in the movies, most urbanites "aren't" party-hopping in slinky dresses and strappy stilettos. But lucky for us, Lancaster knows how to make the life of the lower crust mercilessly funny and infinitely entertaining. Whether she's reporting rude neighbors to Homeland Security, harboring a crush on her grocery store clerk, or fighting-and losing-the Battle of the Stairmaster- Lancaster explores how silly, strange, and not-so-fabulous real city living can be. And if anyone doesn't like it, they can kiss her big, fat, pink, puffy down parka.

From beer pong to final exams, from instant messaging to hooking up with people whose last names are a complete mystery, "The CollegeHumor Guide to College" is the bible to getting through college with minimum work and maximum fun. The authors, six recent graduates from colleges around the country, fill readers in on how to do their own laundry, how to pick the best (easiest) professors, and how to tell if someone has an STD just by looking at them. From the creators of the smash-hit website, "The CollegeHumor Guide to College" is perfect for anybody who can make it past twelfth grade, and an incredibly mean gift for those who can't.

In "Ant Farm," former Harvard Lampoon president Simon Rich finds humor in some very surprising places. Armed with a sharp eye for the absurd and an overwhelming sense of doom, Rich explores the ridiculousness of our everyday lives. The world, he concludes, is a hopelessly terrifying place-with endless comic potential.
-If your girlfriend gives you some "love coupons" and then breaks up with you, are the coupons still valid?
-What kind of performance pressure does an endangered male panda feel when his captors bring the last remaining female panda to his cage?
-If murderers can get into heaven by accepting Jesus, just how awkward is it when they run into their victims?
Join Simon Rich as he explores the extraordinary and hilarious desperation that resides in ordinary life, from cradle to grave.
"Hilarious." -Jon Stewart

It's been a decade since political cartoonist Tom Toles collected his panels in book form. He's had a busy decade and plenty of time to further sharpen both his wit, commentary, and pen. NOW Who Do We Blame? presents an editorial master at the top of his game, in all of his whimsical, sometimes scathing, and always insightful glory.

Toles, editorial cartoonist for the Washington Post, includes his favorite frames from the past several years. His subjects include the 9/11 Commission, the 2004 presidential election, terrorism, the Middle East conflict, Yasser Arafat, Afghanistan, Iraq, and of course President George W. Bush. The collection title, in fact, comes from a panel showing Bush at his desk, covered with miniatures of the "GOP White House," "GOP Senate," "GOP House," and "GOP Supreme Court." "Now who do we blame?" asks the puzzled Commander in Chief.

Such is the humor, satire, and intelligence of one of the most accomplished and widely read political cartoonists working today. Toles, who draws himself as the artist working in the lower right corner of his panels, takes on every issue and every powerbroker that crosses the national screen.

Real Owls Don't Bark is a charming, quirky, and sometimes deeply moving collection of true stories that will convince anyone that who we are and what matters is often shaped by the most ordinary people and events we encounter in our daily lives. Drawn from years of hilarious and thoughtful travelogues he wrote as a communications consultant, author Paul Heagen provides intriguing insights into communications in business and life as you journey with him when he learns: * The generosity of a toothless fruit vendor in Hong Kong * The importance of getting out of your element during a biker rally in Nevada * The value of context from a memorable round of golf in the morning fog * The role of significance from an elderly Parisian couple's modest wooden jewelry box Whether you're a parent, a professional, or just a person who likes to think more about the everyday events in our lives, Real Owls Don't Bark will help you understand that all of us have stories that have a lasting influence in our lives, as well as the lives of others. 'A witty and charming velvet hammer for what really matters in life. you turn each page if you'll laugh or cry, but you'll definitely think. -Mary Nixon, Vice President-Finance, KFC 'This is a must-read for any leader-or anyone, for that matter-who is open to what everyday life can teach us. -Mike Monahan, Executive Director, Life Success Seminars

Author Phil Freedman offers a humorous collection of 'wit and wisdom" from his local newspaper column, "WHATEVER." Freedman published "WHATEVER" in a local paper in Aspen, Colorado, until his editor fired him for anti-semantic (please read the preceding word carefully) reasons. He subsequently published "WHATEVER" for three years on a weekly Web site. "Izzy, Do We Have Any Trojans?" is a compendium of the best of those columns.

Freedman is no James Thurber, but neither is Dave Barry. In fact, his readers have favorably compared Freedman with Barry, but his style is more thought provoking and reflects his academic background.

He uses sarcasm, irony (both steam and dry), wit (and without), cynicism, mysticism, insane-icism, mixed metaphor, oxymorons, regular morons, pun, parody, parable, alliteration, and even misquotes. When the situation invites, he enjoys playing with phonynyms. "Phonynym," as you may have guessed, is a term for made-up words that don't exist. But don't look it up. "Phonynym" is a phonynym. His readers have referred to him as a 'word crafter." Others, as a 'word crap-per."

Girl: 'Giz a kiss.' Bloke: 'Let me swally me phlegm first.' - Two aul dears queuing for the no. 27 bus. Just caught the end of the conversation: Old dear #1: 'Sure whoaya tellin. De kids dees days is terrible bold.' Old dear #2: 'And ye know it's not de parents I blame, it's the mudders an fadders.' - Country girl gets on no. 16 bus and asks driver how much is the fare. Driver replies, 'Where are you going?' Country girl says, 'To get my hair done!' - While visiting the Mater Hospital, hearing an old man complaining about the current conditions in hospital and being kept in a unisex environment: Old Man (to his daughter): 'I'm 92 years old and here I am being left on a bed in a corridor with all these other patients, and to make it worst it's bisexual!' - Heard a girl answer her phone in the waiting room of Holles Street Maternity Hospital: 'Well, tell me, am I an Auntie or an Uncle?' - D4 girl at Lansdowne Road for the All Blacks match. Just as the All Blacks begin the Haka, one girl says, 'Oh, my God, are they doing a dance?'

I'll Never Eat A Squirrel... Again is a collection of humorous short stories. With honesty, insight and wit, the author writes about the endeavors and enjoyments of being a housewife, mother, and daughter. Everyone can identify with the down-to-earth life experiences shared in these stories. They are a pleasing reminder of everyday encounters with family, friends, and strangers. This book is sure to make you smile and brighten your day.

Gary and Glenn McCoy's delightfully absurd comic panel blends superheroes, office humor, huggable animals, and twisted relationships in a bizarre marriage of Gary Larson, the "New Yorker," Conan O'Brien, and "Mad Magazine." Put succinctly, the brothers McCoy present "comics for a bold new world."

Creating a world where greeting cards heal hospital patients, police officers pull over children driving bumper cars, babies use the patch to quell the pacifier habit, and nudists find out what constitutes a streaker in their colony, the St. Louis area natives alternate writing and drawing duties for the daily panel.

The brothers each have been nominated for multiple National Cartoonists Society awards, and Glenn has won in three categories. Gary McCoy's past as a comedian (he won HBO's Stand-Up Stand-Off contest for the St. Louis area in 1995) also shines through in the strip's offbeat humor.

Their impressive freelance client list reads like a who's who in cartooning: Disney, DreamWorks, and Hyperion, to name just a few.

Darrin Bell's "Candorville" is an insightful comic strip for today's world. Brutally honest but still evenhanded, "Candorville" takes on some of society's toughest issues, giving readers something to think about-as well as smirks, chuckles, and guffaws.

"Another Stereotype Bites the Dust" is a collection of creator Darrin Bell's "Candorville" cartoon strip. In this thought-provoking strip Bell uses a diverse group of friends to paint a real yet humorous portrait of inner-city America. An educated underachiever, Lemont Brown is an aspiring writer. Socially conscious, he wants to work at changing the world and infusing it with wisdom and justice--if only he could pay his rent. Lemont's childhood friend Susan Garcia is a book-smart and street savvy Mexican-American woman who won't let bigotry or any glass ceiling keep her down. And Lemont's friend Clyde (aka "C-Dog") is a streetwise thug and undiscovered rapper who'd rather mooch off his mother than get a job.

"Another Stereotype Bites the Dust" deals with some tough issues--poverty, homelessness, racism, and personal responsibility--with knowing irony and incisive satire. Bell uses edgy dialogue and modern situations to jab everything from political correctness to political spinning, from political hindsight to office politics, making it a hit with the socially aware.

Real Owls Don't Bark is a charming, quirky, and sometimes deeply moving collection of true stories that will convince anyone that who we are and what matters is often shaped by the most ordinary people and events we encounter in our daily lives. Drawn from years of hilarious and thoughtful travelogues he wrote as a communications consultant, author Paul Heagen provides intriguing insights into communications in business and life as you journey with him when he learns: * The generosity of a toothless fruit vendor in Hong Kong * The importance of getting out of your element during a biker rally in Nevada * The value of context from a memorable round of golf in the morning fog * The role of significance from an elderly Parisian couple's modest wooden jewelry box Whether you're a parent, a professional, or just a person who likes to think more about the everyday events in our lives, Real Owls Don't Bark will help you understand that all of us have stories that have a lasting influence in our lives, as well as the lives of others. 'A witty and charming velvet hammer for what really matters in life. you turn each page if you'll laugh or cry, but you'll definitely think. -Mary Nixon, Vice President-Finance, KFC 'This is a must-read for any leader-or anyone, for that matter-who is open to what everyday life can teach us. -Mike Monahan, Executive Director, Life Success Seminars