"Let us begin by committing ourselves to the truth to see it like it is, and tell it like it is." --Richard Nixon
"I believe America is the solution to the world's problems." --Rush Limbaugh
"SHUT THE F#CK UP." --D. L. Hughley
The American dream is in dire need of a wake-up call. A f*cked up society is like an addict: if you are in denial, then things are going to keep getting worse until you hit bottom. According to D. L. Hughley, that's the direction in which America is headed.
In "I Want You to Shut the F*ck Up," D.L. explains how we've become a nation of fat sissies playing Chicken Little, but in reverse: The sky is falling, but we're supposed to act like everything's fine. D.L. just points out the sobering facts: there is no standard of living by which we are the best. In terms of life expectancy, we're 36th--tied with Cuba; in terms of literacy, we're 20th--behind Kazakhstan. We sit here laughing at Borat, but the Kazakhs are sitting in their country reading.
Things are bad now and they're only going to get worse. Unless, of course, you sit down, shut the f*ck up, and listen to what D. L. Hughley has to say. "I Want You to Shut the F*ck Up" is a slap to the political senses, a much needed ass-kicking of the American sense of entitlement. In these pages," " D. L. Hughley calls it like he sees it, offering his hilarious yet insightful thoughts on:
- Our supposedly post-racial society
- The similarities between America the superpower and the drunk idiot at the bar
- Why Bill Clinton is more a product of a black upbringing than Barack Obama
- That apologizing is not the answer to controversy, especially when you meant what you said
- Why civil rights leaders are largely to blame for black people not being represented on television
- Why getting your ghetto pass revoked should be seen as a good thing, not something to be ashamed of
- And how hard it is to be married to a black woman

From the same hilarious wellspring of failure as the bestselling F in Exams and F for Effort comes this all-new collection of inventively wrong--yet totally real--test responses by students who don't know the answer, but come up with something better instead. Featuring crucial academic subjects including English (Q: Name a key theme in Madame Bovary; A: Cows), Geography (Q: Where can you find the Andes?; A: Google Earth), Science (Q: Describe the properties of a meteor; A: An animal that only eats meat) and more, F this Test rounds out the curriculum with an extra-credit section for those tricky elective courses, and demonstrates that it's more fun to laugh when faced with an absolute fail.

Congratulations - you're starting another exciting new decade! This little book, packed with wise and witty quotations, is the perfect way to show the world that you are 40 and proud of it.

This little book is about girlfriends, boyfriends, wives, husbands, working, eating, drinking, sleeping, God, life, death and the universe but please remember, I am not trying to write War and Peace or Crime and Punishment here, I am simply trying to bring a smile to peoples faces. 'Melting Moments is very good, I tend to like the things you can easily dip into for a few minutes without losing the thread and when they're witty and profound, so much the better.' 'So hilarious ' 'It was lonely without your humour to read ' 'Awesome' 'Awww... I'm usually not into love stories, but that one really tugs at the heart.' 'Scary but so true...' 'That's me all over.' 'Hahaha ha haha Hahaha ha ha Hahaha ha Hahaha ha Hahaha hahaha Hahaha'

Baker's Bad Boys - the revised, expanded edition. With a Preface by Mr.NoManners, and a special intro by the author. Those adventures you enjoyed as a child, and those events that were done to you - if you were ever caught. And the things you wish you had done.

"New York Times Book Review" Editors' Choice
A Very Oral History
With a New Introduction by the Author
""We Killed" shines in its details and its anecdotes....Well crafted and entertaining."--"The Boston Globe
"
From live comedy to television and bestseller lists, women rule the comedy industry--and, as this fascinating oral history shows, they have fought long and hard to make their way to the top. In "We Killed," Yael Kohen assembles America's most prominent comediennes--along with the writers, producers, and nightclub owners in their orbit--to piece together the rise of women in American comedy. Beginning with the emergence of Phyllis Diller and Joan Rivers in the fifties, and moving forward to the edgy intelligence of Elaine May and Lily Tomlin on to the tough-ass stand-ups who would take SNL by storm, Kohen chronicles the false starts, backslides, and triumphs of female comedians. With a chorus of more than one hundred creative voices, "We Killed" takes us backstage to tell the story of the revolution that brought us Tina Fey, Sarah Silverman, and Chelsea Handler--and a world where women can be smart, attractive, sexually confident, and flat-out funny.

Surrounded by Strong Mountains, Determined Seasons, and Endearing Folks... Janet Sheridan's wry, often tender, observations on life draw the reader into the poignancy and fun of a long life spent in the rural west. In this delightful compilation, you'll meet a variety of mostly good people, each with their own quirks: six siblings who matured in unpredictable patterns, Aunt Beulah of girth and grace, a ninth-grade student filled with forgiveness, and the author's husband, who leaves tools and clothes in full view-so he won't forget he has them-but hides his potato chips. A Seasoned Life Lived in Small Towns is a collection of unpublished material and human-interest columns written for the Denver Post and the Craig Daily Press-all drawn from the 70 years Janet Sheridan lived as a child in Utah, an adult in Nevada, and a woman facing the reality of her advancing years in Colorado. Her work was awarded first place in Category IV humorous column writing in the Colorado Press Association's 2010 competition and first place in both humorous and serious column writing in 2011. "Janet Sheridan is a treasure. She's a skilled craftsman whose sharp intellect, creativity, and precise writing-not one word is wasted-leaves a reader wanting more. Her oh-so-lovely, mellifluous prose should be savored, like this paragraph from a 2010 Colorado Voices column: My musings about children of the world and fairness ended with the shocking sight of Ruthie Miller eating toothpaste. I corrected her in a fierce whisper, smoothed my plaid dress over my knees, and wondered if the cafeteria ladies had baked cinnamon rolls for lunch..." -Barbara Ellis, Editorial Page news editor and coordinator of the Colorado Voices program, The Denver Post. "Janet has a unique voice that meshes folksy narrative with creative storytelling. An educator by trade, her readers are fortunate she found her true calling later in life. I'm proud to be one of her biggest fans. She's a true

"I run into Dave Hill all the time at the coffee shop in our neighborhood. He's always unshaven and badly hungover, with some 16-year-old groupie from Cleveland in tow--and he's just as funny then as he is in "Tasteful Nudes." He is my idol." --Malcolm Gladwell

"Dave Hill speaks, rocks, and now writes with a voice so powerful and funny and compelling that I'm pretty sure he's channeling some weird god from another dimension. Basically, this dude is a comedic Cthulhu, and when you read this book, you will either go COMPLETELY MAD or BECOME A SLAVE TO HIS MAD GENIUS. Pray for the latter." --John Hodgman
"This book should affirm Dave Hill's rightful place as a major American humor writer. You will laugh. Buy two and brighten a friend's life as well." --Dick Cavett

From the Book Jacket:

Dear ridiculously attractive person who just so happens to be holding "Tasteful Nudes" in his or her soft and supple yet commanding hands,

Hi. My name is Dave, and this is my very first collection of essays. As you can probably imagine, it pretty much has everything. In fact, if you like stories about stolen meat, animal attacks, young love, death, naked people, clergymen, rock 'n' roll, irritable Canadians, and prison, you have just hit a street called Easy because my book talks about all that stuff and a bunch of other stuff, too.

Getting back to that prison thing for a second--I can think of almost no better place to read my book than from within the confines of a correctional facility. For starters, you will definitely have the time. Also, cozying up with a good book in front of your fellow inmates is a great way to show them a softer side that for some reason no one ever wants to hear about in the yard.

Fear not, though, non-convicts, my book makes for a solid read outside of prison, too. At the beach, on the subway, while whitewater rafting, during couples counseling, under local anesthesia--I have personally seen to it that my book is totally readable in all these scenarios, as well as in most other scenarios out there today. It will make you laugh, cry, and maybe even think so much that you will forget all your problems while simultaneously creating a few new ones. In limited instances it has been known to cause severe dehydration and the occasional groin pull, but honestly I don't know what that's about. That said, it's probably not a bad idea to keep a glass of water handy and really stretch things out before strapping yourself in for a literary thrill ride you will want to experience again and again until you are either dead or your eyesight fails completely, whichever comes first. In fact, if I end up being wrong about any of this stuff, you can kick me right in the privates. Also, I will send you a nice ham (serves twenty). In short, you really can't lose on this one.

Your man,
Dave Hill

Quick-fire interviewer and Cobham rapper Tubes has put together this hilarious anecdotal look at all things Tubes.

When Jason Mulgrew enrolls in a private high school in an exciting new neighborhood (North Philly, murder center of the city), he finds himlf displaced into a world of privilege and strict standards. His classmates, whose parents are lawyers and bankers, live in houses with yards and pools. Mulgrew, whose longshoreman father bought him a motorcycle upon completion of his driver's test, struggles to relate in this wider world, fighting his way through the gauntlet of high school as an awkward, sexless giant.

Mulgrew tackles the glorious complications, misapprehensions, and obsessions of the teenage mind. He revisits his unhealthy fixations on dogs, his "bird," the Prep, friends who are girls, Kahlua & Cream, and a certain position in student body government to craft yet another raunchy, honest, and relentlessly funny memoir.

The Pig Who Survived an Atomic Bomb

The Psychologist Who Hid Beneath Beds

The Founding Father Who Delivered Mouth-to-Mouth . . . to a Chicken

Welcome to some of the most weird and wonderful experiments ever conducted in the name of science. Alex Boese's "Electrified Sheep" is packed with eccentric characters, irrational obsessions, and extreme experiments. Watch as scientists attempt to nuke the moon, wince at the doctor who performs a self-appendectomy, and catch the faint whiff of singed wool from an electrified sheep.

From getting kicked out of Bible study to metaphysics with strippers--a misanthrope's wickedly witty observations about the ridiculous, raunchy, and frequently disturbing impulses that propel human existence.
With the wit of David Sedaris and the analytical sharpshooting of Sloane Crosley, Ashley Cardiff spares no one--least of all herself--in an absurd and relentlessly funny journey of sexual development.
Cardiff reflects on her introverted, awkward and too-smart teenage years to her slightly bolder (but still uncomfortable) adult relationships, all while exploring the rich anthropological terrain of sex and love. Expounding on dating Mormons, the inherent weirdness of adolescent development, sexual nightmare-fantasies about Prince, family members' sex tapes, and narrowly avoiding a teenage orgy, Cardiff recognizes sexuality for the anxiety-making force it is. Weaving adept analysis with hilarious anecdotes, she goes for something much deeper than a rant, crafting satire that's as smart as it is ruthless.
Delivering fresh, unapologetic views from the perspective of a precise and ferociously irreverent young female writer, "Night Terrors" is a rollicking manifesto on the agonies of modern life and love.

When Adrian Kulp first learned that he was about to become a father, he was essentially a teenage boy trapped in the body of a thirty-two-year-old high-powered executive. He did what his wife asked him to do: grow up. He packed away his Phillies baseball memorabilia, hid his GI Joes, and converted their guest bedroom from his private man cave into a nursery. Goodbye sticky beer cozy. Hello Diaper Genie.
Based on his mercilessly funny and brutally honest blog, here is the hilarious story of one man's journey from being the one who brings home the bacon to the one who fries it--along with assembling the crib, learning how to "accessorize" his daughter, and flying with an infant for the first time. From numbing booze-free co-ed baby showers to navigating the Farmer's Market with a baby (and loaded diaper) strapped to his chest, to locking himself out of a childproofed toilet, this often-sweaty and exhausted SAHD (stay-at-home dad) gets down and dirty about surviving life as a new parent--dad or alive.

My Daddy Was a Pistol and I'm A Son of a Gun is a special memoir, an unabashed confession of a man's love for his father, told as only humorist Lewis Grizzard can. Grizzard's father was a man of tremendous contradictions, of lusty appetites, of rare warmth. He was a charmer of men and women and a consummate con artist. A certified war hero and a shameless passer of bad checks. An overpowering personality and a man of great courage. Finally the self-described mah-velous Major Grizzard was a drinker, capable of going off on a bender that could wreak havoc even for those he loved most. If the Major is the soul of this book, Lewis Grizzard is the heart, flashing back and forth in time. Grizzard offers his trademark hilarious and touching recollections of eccentric aunts, compassionate teachers, sagacious bosses; of being kidnapped and traveling with his daddy by bus to small towns all over the South; of learning to tell jokes; and of understanding how to laugh—and cry—at life. Grizzard's My Daddy Was a Pistol will entertain as well as surprise his legion of established fans as well as those just discovering Grizzard for the first time.

Since 1999, millions of readers and web crawlers have read The Satirist online. At long last, the best pieces, including previously unpublished material, have been collected into this cherished and universally loved volume of satire. Learn how to start your own religious cult in the "Seven Habits of Highly Efficient Cult Leaders" Read how converting empty shopping malls into prisons can transform the US economy Are you a conspiracy theorist? Take the test Discover Claire Hoyt, "Shrink to the Stars," who gossiped openly about the secrets of her clients, Hollywood's leading celebrities Did the French philosopher, Claude Roger, plagiarize from his own students? Was Max Sazonov a great Russian poet or a total idiot? Read reviews of imaginary movies Read reviews of imaginary works by John Irving and Thomas Pynchon. And much more 58 articles in all "The more blandness and repression there is in any society, the more need there is for irreverence toward those who are responsible for that blandness and repression. The Satirist serves such a purpose with imagination and style." -Author/comedian Paul Krassner "An instant Borgesian classic "

Welcome to the Not-So-Glorious Days

With the uncertain economy, lingering wars, and the ever-present threats of everything from bird flu to Bieber Fever, it's tempting to long for the "good old days." But just how good were they?

Buckle up for a bumpy ride down memory lane (and try not to get trampled) as these 665 funny history facts and terrifying truths reveal the unfortunate reality of life during the eighteenth, nineteenth and early twentieth centuries. From patents that should still be pending to hairdos that attract vermin, these horrors will leave you thankful you didn't have to struggle to live through them.

Brace yourself as the truth hits you like an ice-cold Victorian-era shower with enough pressure to knock you unconscious. Get ready to shudder with laughter (or horror) at these funny moments in history that are not to be forgotten.

Welcome to Pearl's Feed and Seed Most coming-of-age stories are fraught with symbolism, hidden metaphors, and a heaping mound of other literary devices. Not this one. Not mine. You see, I came of age while working at a dusty Texas feedstore. A place where To Kill a Mockingbird involved a twelve-year-old and a BB gun. Of Mice and Men was a problem easily solved with rat poison. And David Copperfield was nothing more than a dude that made shit disappear. In the spring of 1989, I went to work at Pearl's Feed and Seed for a man named Doyle Suggs. On the surface Doyle and I had little in common: I was a rosy-cheeked boy of sixteen; he was a twice-divorced, thirty-year-old high school dropout. I had yet to go on my first date; he was trading sex for horse feed in the back room. Sure, Doyle was a lout, a liar, and a lecherous derelict. To this day, he remains the most morally bankrupt man I've ever met, yet my life wouldn't be half as blessed, had I missed out on his misguided education. The Feedstore Chronicles is a mostly true account of those days and when murderous ex-wives, well-hung bulldogs, and feed room fornication were all part of a normal day at Pearl's.

Everyone knows that laughter is the best medicine, but Forced to Fly is more than a collection of funny stories about the seeing the funny side of the day to day blunders we all make. It is packed with stories that resonate with anyone who has lived abroad Its opening chapters, written by experts, counsellors and real-life expats who have struggled with culture shock, will provide support and advice to guide you through any dark patches. When the first edition came out I had no idea that it would find its way into corporate goodie bags for relocating employees, nor that people would call me up, saying, "Help, my daughter-in-law has just moved to Dubai and is not doing so well. Can you send her a book, please?" In this second edition, we have added a chapter on emotional resilience in addition to more than 20 new stories for you to enjoy from new writers such as Jack Scott, whose memoir, Perking the Pansies, has been shortlisted for the Polaris prize and the hilarious Debbie Fletcher, author of Bitten by Spain. Blogger contributors AdventuresInExpatland, DisparateHuisvrouw, WordGeyser and IWasAnExpatWife make this a thoroughly modern version of an old favourite. "A must-have book for expats everywhere. A unique mix of practical advice and funny stories that everyone will relate to." Toni Summers-Hargis, author of Rules, Britannia and blogger at Expat Mum - http: //expatmum.blogspot.com 'I would love to have had it with me when I left home ten years ago for the first time." Laura J Stephens, author of An Inconvenient Posting, an expat wife's memoir of lost identity - www.laurajstephens.com "Delightfully relevant. A cleverly crafted collection of expatriate stories and advice, including the good, the bad and the hilarious side of international living. Perfect for global nomads looking to feel connected through shared experiences." Alison Cavatore, Founder, CEO and Editor-in-Chief, Global Living Magazine - www.globallivingmagazine.com

Gilbert Gottfried on "Rubber Balls and Liquor" Nobody ever reads this part of the book. Somebody at the publishing house explained to me that it's actually called jacket copy. It says in my contract that I have to write something over here in this tiny space, even though I don't think anyone will notice. In fact, I'll bet anything that you're not reading this part now. And if it turns out that you are . . . well, the guy in the bookstore is probably staring at you, saying, "Stop reading that book " I guess there's a reason bookstores are going out of business, left and right. Cheap bastards like you think it's okay to stand in the aisles and read to your heart's content. So for the sake of bookstores everywhere, buy this book. I myself don't care. I only care about the poor working man. Oh, and the sanctity of the written word. I care about that, too. And in my case, those written words, of course, include dick and pussy.

Painfully awkward. Hilariously honest. Best of all, it happened to someone else.
It's a fact of life: No matter how lame, embarrassing, or downright crappy your day has been, someone else, somewhere on earth, has had it worse. F My Life World Tour collects the best of life's most horrible moments, shared by people around the globe on the phenomenally popular FMyLife.com, which now gets more than 2 million hits per day, from Italy to Indonesia and Pakistan to Peru. If you've ever said "F my life," get ready to feel a little better--at someone else's expense.
Includes never-before-seen entries submitted to FMyLife.com

Laughing Store is just what we need in times of troubles and uncertainties such as these. A book of humour from an acclaimed master of laughter, it lifts our hearts and raises our spirits. Jokes that touch about every domain of existence - from sex to religion, from births to deaths, from politics to the beer parlour, from the courtroom to the hospital. And most important of all, conceived in the supremely original Cameroonian flavour of jokes.

In "Tinsel, " Hank Stuever turns his unerring eye for the idiosyncrasies of modern life to Frisco, Texas--a suburb at once all-American and completely itself--to tell the story of the nation's most over-the-top celebration: Christmas. Stuever's tale begins on the blissful easy-credit dawn of Black Friday, as he jostles for bargains among the crowds at the big-box stores. From there he follows Frisco's true believers as they navigate through three years of holiday drama. Tammie Parnell is the proprietor of "Two Elves with a Twist," a company that decks the halls of other people's McMansions. Jeff and Bridgette Trykoski spend eleven months preparing the visible-from-space, awe-inspiring light display they stage on their lawn each December. And single mother Caroll Cavazos, a devout churchgoer, hopes that the life-affirming moments of the season can transcend her everyday struggles. "Tinsel" is a humane, revealing, and very funny portrait of one community's quest to discover a more perfect holiday amidst the frenzied, mega-churchy, shoparific world of Christmas.

It is true that religious scriptures and silver-tongued teachings are always inspiring, guiding and constructive. The latent energy hidden in such words have the capability of lighting up the human life. They inspire us, provide us energy and excite us. To be able to use them as a reference in due course, it is imperative to compile them in one place. This book meets this objective.

From Beverly Hills mansions to Irish country lanes, super-yachts to side-alleys, howling cougars to psychotic nutters, stand-up spotlights to police helicopter searchlights, superstar highs to inner demon woes, along with so much more, Mark Hayes takes us on quite an adventure in RanDumb-er, the random but hardly dumb tales of an Irish chancer. From one side of the world to the other, in and out of the fantasy of Mark's reality, all with a smile and a belly-aching laugh, RanDumb-er will draw you in and make you believe in the spirit of your inner five year old once more Go ahead - Open a Guinness, take off your pants (comfort is key here), sit back, relax and enjoy the show. Fast pace, quicker wit, time for you to join Mark as he tells his story of two cities and one dream. Ran. Dumb. Er. On About The Author: Mark Hayes is an Irish guy who now lives in L.A. Chancer. Prancer. Midnight. Dancer. Bestselling author of RanDumb: The Adventures of an Irish Guy in L.A which has been rated #1 on Amazon Humor. Praise For RanDumb: 'RanDumb is an intelligently put-together, often satirical analysis of the times we live in... a thoroughly entertaining read that will make you 'LOL' -laugh out loud - as so many have done on Mark Hayes' blog.' 'With his unique style, phrasing and word coinage, Mark Hayes introduced himself to us in his first book RanDumb as a kind of hard drinking, half-slacker, half German technical translator, carefree globetrotter finding his way in Hollywood. Very funny and a great read.' 'I've always wanted to give up the mundane day job, pack my bags and head for the promised land, but circumstances have conspired against me. So, when I heard of this book, it was a must read... I wasn't disappointed in the least. It was just how I would have imagined and more... Mark Hayes has shared his experiences of chasing the American Dream and I love it.'