Half-and-half scarves? VARs? England winning penalty shoot-outs?

Modern football can be baffling. But if you're contemplating throwing it all in for the simpler pleasures of quantum mechanics, don't despair just yet: help is at hand.

In Goalless Draws, David Squires unpicks the modern game with an unmissable selection of his Guardian football cartoons from 2014 to the 2018 World Cup. From the ever-dizzying managerial roundabout to the absurdities of the transfer window, and from the annual tradition of poppygate to the 'stable genius' of José Mourinho, the result is a riotous reminder of all the pitfalls of the modern game, as well as everything that keeps us coming back for more.

Roma have risen from their ruins! Manolas, the Greek God in Rome! The unthinkable unfolds before our eyes. This was not meant to happen, this could not happen . . . this is happening! Peter Drury If football is the beautiful game, then commentators are its poets. Whether it's the brevity of Barry Davies, the boundless enthusiasm of Clive Tyldesley or the sheer eloquence of Peter Drury's monologues, the canon of football commentary is replete with memorable lines that would have some of the great classical orators nodding in appreciation. Curated by football journalist Charlie Eccleshare, The Beautiful Poetry of Football Commentary is a glorious anthology of iconic lines, set out as poems, celebrating the best commentators that have ever graced a microphone. Each poem is accompanied by 'scholarly' analysis capturing the enduring power of language on the beautiful game. So, drink it in, and immerse yourself in classic verse from Ali Brownlee, Andy Gray, Brian Moore, David Coleman, John Motson, Jon Champion, Jonathan Pearce, Kenneth Wolstenholme, Martin Tyler, and many more. ----- "It is a privilege to be part of this excellent work" - Martin Tyler "There have been some brilliant lines of commentary down the years and Charlie's academic deconstruction of them is terrific." - Peter Drury

Our second volume begins with "Peanuts' third full year and a cast of eight: Charlie Brown, Shermy, Patty, Violet, Schroeder, Lucy, the recently born Linus, and Snoopy. By the end of 1954, this will have expanded to nine. Linus still doesn't speak (except, on a few occasions, to himself), but Schulz begins laying the foundation for his emergence as the most complex and arguably most endearing character in the strip: garrulous and inquisitive, yet gentle and tolerant. And he evens acquires his "security blanket" in this volume! Meanwhile, Lucy, an infant just a year ago, has forcefully elbowed herself to the front of the cast, proudly wearing her banner as a troublemaker or, in Schulz's memorable phrase, "fussbudget," The strong, specific relationships she sets up with each character further contributes to making her central to the strip. (She has earned her cover status on this volume.) Charlie Brown is clearly in transition. Although his eventual, best-known persona (the lovable, perpetually humiliated round-headed loser) is in evidence in many strips, his brasher, more prankish side as seen in the previous volume (foreshadowing Bill Watterson's future Calvin) shows up, too. This period's significant new character is Pigpen, who would remain one of the main cast members throughout the decade. And then there's Snoopy. To readers unfamiliar with the early days of the strip, Snoopy's appearances here will no doubt come as the biggest surprise. Although Snoopy has started thinking to himself, he does no imitations (except for one brief shark impression), he doesn't sleep atop his doghouse (much less type or fly a Sopwith Camel), and has no fantasy life--in fact, he doesn't even walkupright! But as we know, he is merely biding his time, and his evolution continues its fascinating course within these pages. This book collects 730 daily and Sunday comic strips, the vast majority of which are not currently available in any in-print "Peanuts collection, and over one hundred of which have never been reprinted since their initial appearance in papers over 50 years ago. "The Complete Peanuts is produced in full cooperation with United Media, Charles M. Schulz Creative Associates, and Mr. Schulz's widow, lean Schulz. Each volume in the series presents two years of strips along with supplementary material in a three-tier page format that accommodates three dailies or one Sunday strip per page. Award-winning graphic novelist Seth is designing the series so that each individual book is sharply recognizable and yet clearly part of a consistent series. Using archival-quality syndicate proofs for virtually every strip in its history, the series boasts the best-looking, crispest reproduction for a classic comic strip ever achieved. "Peanuts is the most successful comic strip in the history of the medium as well as one of the most acclaimed strips ever published. Charles Schulz's characters have become American icons. "A Charlie Brown Christmas is as much an annual holiday ritual for families as "It's A Wonderful life. A United Media poll in 2002 found "Peanuts to be one of the most recognizable cartoon properties in the world, recognized by 94 percent of the total U.S. consumer market and a close second only to Mickey Mouse (96 percent), and higher than other familiar cartoon properties like Spider-Man (75 percent) or the Simpsons (87 percent). In "T.V. Guide's "Top 50 GreatestCartoon Characters of All-Time" list, Charlie Brown and Snoopy ranked #8.

Rising young comedian Moshe Kasher is lucky to be alive. He started using drugs when he was just 12. At that point, he had already in psychoanlysis for 8 years. By the time he was 15, he had been in and out of several mental institutions, drifting from therapy to rehab to arrest to...you get the picture. But KASHER IN THE RYE is not an "eye opener" to the horrors of addiction. It's a hilarious memoir about the absurdity of it all.

When he was a young boy, Kasher's mother took him on a vacation to the West Coast. Well it was more like an abduction. Only not officially. She stole them away from their father and they moved to Oakland, California. That's where the real fun begins, in the war zone of Oakland Public Schools. He was more than just out of control-his mother walked him around on a leash, which he chewed through and ran away.

Those early years read like part Augusten Burroughs, part David Sedaris, with a touch of Jim Carrol...but a lot more Jewish. In fact, Kasher later spends time in a Brooklyn Hasidic community. Then came addicition...

Brutally honest and laugh-out-loud funny, Kasher's first literary endeavor finds humor in even the most horrifying situations.

This title looks not only at some of the delights of growing older but also at what Lord Byron called 'the woes that wait on age'. With his trademark combination of funny stories and thoughtful insights, the author has produced a book on the ageing process that will appeal to old and young alike.

In this refreshingly candid memoir, Kal Penn recounts why he rejected the advice of his aunties and guidance counselors and, instead of becoming a doctor or "something practical," embarked on a surprising journey that has included acting, writing, working as a farmhand, teaching Ivy League University courses, and smoking fake weed with a fake President of the United States, before serving the country and advising a real one. You Can't Be Serious is a series of funny, consequential, awkward, and ridiculous stories from Kal's idiosyncratic life. It's about being the grandson of Gandhian freedom fighters, and the son of immigrant parents: people who came to this country with very little and went very far-and whose vision of the American dream probably never included their son sliding off an oiled-up naked woman in a raunchy Ryan Reynolds movie...or getting a phone call from Air Force One as Kal flew with the country's first Black president. With intelligence, humor, and charm on every page, Kal reflects on the most exasperating and rewarding moments from his journey so far. He pulls back the curtain on the nuances of opportunity and racism in the entertainment industry and recounts how he built allies, found encouragement, and dealt with early reminders that he might never fit in. And of course, he reveals how, after a decade and a half of fighting for and enjoying successes in Hollywood, he made the terrifying but rewarding decision to take a sabbatical from a fulfilling acting career for an opportunity to serve his country as a White House aide. Above all, You Can't Be Serious shows that everyone can have more than one life story. Kal demonstrates by example that no matter who you are and where you come from, you have many more choices than those presented to you. It's a story about struggle, triumph, and learning how to keep your head up. And okay, yes, it's also about how he accidentally (and very stupidly) accepted an invitation to take the entire White House Office of Public Engagement to a strip club-because, let's be honest, that's the kind of stuff you really want to hear about.

A deadly compendium of all your favourite feckin' booksDo you know the difference between a bowsie and a cute hoor? Can you sing all the words to 'Raggle Taggle Gypsy' or whip up a Beef and Guinness casserole with a side of Boxty? If these questions have you scratching your head, then look no further. Discover how feckin' deadly Irish Slang can be, find out why plastic-wrap played a vital role in the sex lives of the Irish in the seventies, learn the words to the most beloved Irish songs and get the recipes for the most famous and delicious Irish dishes. The Feckin' Book of Everything Irish is a laughter-filled guide to the genuine culture of Ireland.

This is Gervase Phinn's third collection of children's insightful observations, amusing remarks and impossible-to-answer questions.

How easy is it to fall off a log? Where is the middle of nowhere? Do we really have no bananas? The readers of OLD GIT magazine are a batty, befuddled, potty-mouthed bunch, who seem to spend a significant chunk of their spare time corresponding with the publication's popular letters page. DO ANTS HAVE ARSEHOLES? is a very funny, very silly collection of questions and answers taken from this column, none of which has any basis whatsoever in fact. A must for all those who relish a heady mixture of shaggy-dog stories, toilet humour and utter lack of insight.

In "Ant Farm," former Harvard Lampoon president Simon Rich finds humor in some very surprising places. Armed with a sharp eye for the absurd and an overwhelming sense of doom, Rich explores the ridiculousness of our everyday lives. The world, he concludes, is a hopelessly terrifying place-with endless comic potential.
-If your girlfriend gives you some "love coupons" and then breaks up with you, are the coupons still valid?
-What kind of performance pressure does an endangered male panda feel when his captors bring the last remaining female panda to his cage?
-If murderers can get into heaven by accepting Jesus, just how awkward is it when they run into their victims?
Join Simon Rich as he explores the extraordinary and hilarious desperation that resides in ordinary life, from cradle to grave.
"Hilarious." -Jon Stewart

Machinese whispers are familiar English poems, quotations, proverbs, nursery rhymes, jokes and speeches rendered to and from other languages via Internet translation programs. This book features the resulting travesties, leading the reader into agreeable musings on the delicacy of language and the limits of the machine.

All the family fun, pandemonium, and childhood chaos that fans of "Baby Blues" enjoy in the strip's daily newspaper appearances swirl about this collection.

Imagine three hurricanes converging on one household and you get an idea of what Darryl and Wanda MacPherson experience each delightful day of parenting Zoe, Hammie, and Baby Wren. It's a perfect storm of flying foodstuffs, off-the-scale emotional outbursts, and enough offspring energy to make veteran storm chasers duck for cover.........and that's before any little friends come over to play!

"Playdate: Category 5" captures all this and more. This "Baby Blues" collection is packed with hilarious family situations and childhood challenges anyone can appreciate, whether it's fellow parents riding out their own "storms," empty-nesters reveling in their calms, or parents-to-be wondering what all the fuss is about. Rick Kirkman and Jerry Scott are right on target in episode after episode. Their witty observations and insights-such as "I think screaming is the primary form of communication for girls," "We've gotta learn to travel lighter, or just put some wheels on the house," and "Sometimes being the dad is like being the weird kid in the neighborhood"-always hit the mark.

"Playdate: Category 5" will be treasured by "Baby Blues" fans everywhere. "Playdate" allows readers to experience the full fury of the MacPherson family tempest time and time again.

Tired of your boss bropropriating your ideas and presenting them as his own?

Wondering if the pursuit of having it all has in fact resulted in having not very much?

It is time to start channelling the spiky superwomen of history to conquer today. It is time to turn to women like Frida Kahlo and Josephine Baker, Hypatia and Cleopatra, Coco Chanel and Empress Cixi. In this irreverent guide they will help you figure out how to dispatch a loverat, back yourself, kill it at work and trounce FoMo.

With original illustrations by Bijou Karman, What Would Boudicca Do? will make you fired-up and ready for anything.

A sharp, funny, and engaging introduction to socialist ideas, movements, and solutions for a world in crisis. Now with 50% more socialism! Socialism...Seriously is a warm and witty introduction to the radical traditions of protest and politics that stretch from Karl Marx through today's movements for democracy, equality, and a livable planet. In this thoroughly revised and expanded edition, Danny Katch uses humor and imagination to take an unflinching look at the rising threats posed by climate change, billionaire oligarchs, and the far right-and makes a compelling case that a socialist world is both necessary and possible. Katch separates the lies spun by capitalism's defenders from the system's brutal realities, and is candid about debates and challenges facing the socialist movement today. This book is for people who want to take a deeper look at what socialism is... but maybe not that deep. Sincere, irreverent, informative, and playful, Socialism... Seriously is a unique and timely contribution to our movements for justice.

In these one-liners, practical jokes, and funny stories, Tom Brennan shares hilarious and engaging tales of people, animals, and politicians of the Far North.

All successful people are the same (you know, drive, will to win, determination) - it's just too dull to contemplate. But everyone who messes up big time does so in a way that is completely individual.

Step forward the fifty Mexican convicts who dug an escape tunnel out of their jail and came up in the courtroom before the judge who sentenced them.

Please welcome the world's worst tourist who spent two days in New York believing he was in Rome.

Be thrilled by the man who wrote an English-Portuguese phrasebook without either knowing English or owning an English-Portuguese dictionary.

And marvel at the least successful kamikaze pilot who returned from eleven suicide missions, lived to the age of 93 and went on to write an autobiography in which he claimed planes were unsafe.

The Not Terribly Good Book of Heroic Failures shows that there really is no limit to what humanity can achieve, celebrating the vast, life-enhancing possibilities of getting it wrong.

There's nothing much left to feel good about these days if you're British, but one of the few things where we all agree that we're still a world leader is our defining sense of humour. Thematically covering every subject imaginable, from God to dogs, this collection is the seminal gathering of our national wit and a picture of who we are as a nation - a monument to our monumental silliness. 'An Englishman, even if he is alone, forms an orderly queue of one.' George Mikes Jane Austen, Jo Brand, Craig Brown, Winston Churchill, Alan Clark, Jeremy Clarkson, Billy Connolly, Peter Cook, Tommy Cooper, Stephen Fry, A.A. Gill, Boris Johnson, Samuel Johnson, Maureen Lipman, Spike Milligan, Eric Morecambe, William Shakespeare, George Bernard Shaw, Frank Skinner, Sue Townsend, Peter Ustinov, Queen Victoria, Oscar Wilde, P.G. Wodehouse, Victoria Wood and many more.

Going to the bank. Leaving voicemails. Using encyclopedias. Wallpapering bathrooms. There are dozens of ridiculously antiquated items, activities, and phrases that Baby Boomers love-and don't realize were outdated more than a decade ago. And for some reason, no matter how hard Millennials and Gen Zers try to bring Boomers into the 21st century, they still don't seem to get it. They just can't let go of eating meatloaf, going on cruises, or buying fuzzy toilet seat covers. So rather than try to explain something to the Baby Boomers in your life, it might be time to just say, "OK, Boomer." Containing more than fifty of the most common, cliched, and cringe-worthy Boomer-isms, OK, Boomer is perfect for any exasperated Millennial or any Boomer willing to poke fun at themselves.

The follow-up to Caitlin Moran's breakout hit, How to Be a Woman--A hilarious collection of award-winning columns, available to American readers for the first time ever.

Possibly the only drawback to the bestselling How to Be a Woman was that its author, Caitlin Moran, was limited to pretty much one subject: being a woman. Moranthology is proof that Caitlin can actually be "quite chatty" about many other things, including cultural, social, and political issues that are usually the province of learned professors or hot-shot wonks--and not of a woman who once, as an experiment, put a wasp in a jar and got it stoned. Caitlin ruminates on--and sometimes interviews--subjects as varied as caffeine, Keith Richards, Ghostbusters, Twitter, transsexuals, the welfare state, the royal wedding, Lady Gaga, and her own mortality, to name just a few. With her unique voice, Caitlin brings insight and humor to everything she writes.