I've rounded up a rowdy assembly

Of my own Consequential Dogs

As counterparts to Eliot's mogs.

Mine are a rough and ready bunch:

You wouldn't take them out to lunch . . .

But if they strike you as friendly, funny,

Full of bounce and fond of a romp,

Forgetful of poetic pomp,

I trust you'll take them as you find them

And, at the very least, not mind them.

T. S. Eliot's best-selling collection of practical cat poems has been one of the most successful poetry collections in the world.

For the first time in company history a companion volume will be published. Originally conceived by Eliot himself, Old Toffer's Book of Consequential Dog poems are a witty, varied and exquisitely compiled as Eliot's cats.

A collection of the notable last recorded words of the dying, "Famous Last Words" is, unexpectedly, bursting with life, hope, wisdom, and often laughter. Here are writers, philosophers, athletes, gangsters, kings, queens, movie stars, and politicians, in all sorts of moods and states of preparedness. Some merely want to say goodbye to loved ones, others want to create a legacy. And some are caught completely off guard, like Civil War general John Sedgwick, answering his troops' urgings to take cover: They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist-.There's the droll: It's the wallpaper or me. One of us has to go (Oscar Wilde); the blase How are the Mets doing today? (Moe Berg); the cranky: It wasn't worth it (Louis B. Mayer); the wistful: That was the best ice cream soda I ever tasted (Lou Costello); the optimistic: I shall hear in heaven (Beethoven); and the overly optimistic: I've never felt better (Douglas Fairbanks).Ultimately, every one of these parting statements is a reflection of the person behind it. Each is accompanied by a mini-biography of the speaker, including the context of death, from the golf course (That was a great game of golf, fellers Bing Crosby) to a favorite armchair (Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough-Karl Marx).

The perfect gift for fans of classic novels, crafting and puns. ‘There is no gate, no lock, no bolt that you can set upon the freedom of my glue gun.’ This crafting celebration of literary classics will transport you and your scissors far from your kitchen table: allow your Mod Podge to smooth your way into the Gilded Age with ‘The Decoupage of Innocence’, or your craft knife to help you conceal an illicit eBook with ‘Lady Chatterley’s Kindle Cover’. Or simply create the perfect picnic accessory, to be enjoyed alongside some ginger beer with ‘Five Go to Smuggler’s Cake Topper’. From a shelf made of books to paper flowers, Christmas wreaths to table decorations, A Loom of One’s Own is a pun-filled celebration of crafting and writing that will appeal to book lovers or anyone who owns a glue gun.

With over 3,500 entries, arranged by topic, fully indexed and up-to-date for the twenty-first century, here is a bumper new collection of witticisms and wisecracks. If you're looking for a quick quip to get the crowd on your side, struggling to put the finishing touches to a wedding speech or just want to cheer yourself and your mates up, this marvellous mammoth book provides all you'll ever need. Entries range from insults, put-downs, gags and one-liners to homespun philosophy, witty proverbs, movie quotes and graffiti. Among the contributors featured are Ricky Gervais, Sir Terry Pratchett, Tina Fey, Milton Jones, Russell Brand, Bill Bryson, Armando Iannucci, Stephen Fry, Jeremy Clarkson, Larry David, Grayson Perry, Germaine Greer, Will Ferrell and many more. Never be stuck for a good line again! 'Al Gore met with Donald Trump to discuss climate change. To try to explain it in terms Trump would understand, Gore said, "The planet is getting hotter than your daughter Ivanka."' Conan O'Brien 'The only time it's cool to yell, "I have diarrhoea!" is when you're playing Scrabble.' Zach Galifianakis

* For 20 years the Loose Women panellists have been entertaining the nation with their forthright opinions on the vagaries of modern life. For the first time, they have come together to share intimate thoughts, fears, memories and anecdotes that are both thought-provoking and entertaining in equal measure. Loose Women: Let Loose! takes on the essential subjects of Love, Sex, Self-Esteem, Friendships, Family, Body Image and Wellness. Whether it is parenting advice from Nadia ('It's important to have a support network when you're a new parent'); Gloria's experience with bereavement ('Losing a child changes you, you can't be the same person'); Coleen's feelings about love ('I do believe there is "the one" - for now'); or Janet's take on mental health ('It doesn't need to be triggered by splitting up or a death, it could be happening in small ways'), there are stories that have never been shared before alongside the show's best bits, making Loose Women: Let Loose! a hilarious and honest guide to handling life's ups and downs as a 21st-century woman.

Know someone who's as dramatic as a soap okra? Champion their 'shiitake happens' attitude with this little book of upbeat and adorkable fruit puns. #tatersgonnatate About the series This cute and colourful series of fruit-pun-filled gift books are the perfect pick-me-ups for you, your friend or your partner in crime. Do you need to avocuddle, or are you grapeful for someone who's a bit of a melon? Then share the clove with these little books: AvoCuddle, WhataMelon, You are my Raisin for Living, Don't Give a Fig, I am Grapeful, You are 24 Carrot Gold. *veg, nuts and seeds are fair game

A New York Times bestselling feminist author's sparkling memoir of gender transition (among many other things). Reasons for Transitioning: Want to impress good-looking ex; Want to upset good-looking ex; Bored of existing wardrobe, looking for excuse to buy all-new clothes that don't fit in a new way; Younger siblings getting too much attention; Neoliberalism??; Want to sing both parts of a duet at karaoke; Something about upper-body strength; Excited to reinforce a different set of sexist stereotypes; Cheaper haircuts; Just love layering shirts ... From the beloved writer behind The Toast and Slate's 'Dear Prudence' column comes a personal essay collection exploring popular culture, literature, religion, and sexuality. With wit and compassion, Daniel Mallory Ortberg revisits beloved cultural and literary figures in the light of his transition.

You may know Anjelah Johnson-Reyes for her viral sketch "Nail Salon" (over 100 million views globally) or her beloved MadTV character Bon Qui Qui, but it's her clean humor and hilarious storytelling that make her one of the most successful stand-up comedians and actresses today. With her razor-sharp wit, Anjelah recounts funny stories from her journey-from growing up caught between two worlds (do chips and salsa go with potato salad?) to unexpectedly embracing faith ("I love Jesus, but I will punch a 'ho") to her many adventures in dating (she may or may not have accepted dates simply for the food). Through it all, Anjelah transforms from a suburban-adjacent kid with Aquanet-drenched hair into a devoted Christian who abstains from drinking and premarital sex, into a mall-famous Oakland Raiders cheerleader, and then an actually famous comedian traveling the world and meeting people from all-walks of life, including Oprah. No biggie. (Huge biggie.) As she travels the world, Anjelah has eye-opening experiences, and she morphs from square, rigid Anjelah into "Funjelah," and learns that she can still ride with Jesus without squashing the other parts of her personality. Anjelah's stories explore subjects such as navigating your racial identity, finding your place in the world, chasing your crazy dreams, embracing the messiness of an evolving faith, and searching for belonging and meaning. Through her journey, Anjelah gets closer to discovering her true identity and encourages readers to have the audacity to dream big.

A fantastic collection of Jewish and Jewish-inspired humor with contributions from Woody Allen, Max Apple, Gary Epstein, Lenny Bruce, Joseph Heller, David Levine, Sam Levenson, G.B. Trudeau, Judith Viorst, S. Gross, The National Lampoon, Jules Feiffer, The Talmud, and dozens of other sources. Cartoons.

Calvin and Hobbes are back in another thrilling adventure involving escapes from girls, parents, and snow goon monsters.

In Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow Goons, Calvin suffers a host of hardships. He gets attacked by his new two-wheeler bike. Hobbes gets kidnapped by Susie, a slimy girl. His father cancels Calvin's personal TV network. Self-multiplying deranged mutant killer monster snow goons threaten to take over the yard. And if that wasn't enough, the ethicated duplicate of Calvin's good side wreaks havoc with his reputation by doing good deeds.

Yet Calvin conquers all with his irrepressible spirit and a little help from alter-egos Spaceman Spiff, Stupendous Man, and Tracer Bullet, private eye. Readers are delighted by Calvin's resourceful wit, which applies to everything from philosophical speculations to attempts to outsmart his parents.

John Waters is putting his life on the line. Armed with wit, a pencil-thin moustache, and a cardboard sign that reads 'I'm Not Psycho', he hitchhikes across America from Baltimore to San Francisco, braving lonely roads and treacherous drivers. But who should we be more worried about, the delicate film director with genteel manners or the unsuspecting travelers transporting the Pope of Trash? Along the way, Waters fantasizes about the best and worst possible scenarios: a friendly drug dealer hands over piles of cash to finance films with no questions asked, a demolition-derby driver makes a filthy sexual request in the middle of a race, a gun-toting drunk terrorizes and holds him hostage, and a Kansas vice squad entraps and throws him in jail. So what really happens when this cult legend sticks out his thumb and faces the open road? Laced with subversive humour and warm intelligence, Carsick is an unforgettable ride with a wickedly funny companion - and a celebration of America's weird, astonishing, and generous citizens.

History is written by the winners. It's the faithful servants, the insiders, the ones who stick around, who can adapt to almost any condition that get to write the official histories. They publish the memoirs, park in the directors' spots, erect the statues, form the new governments, wipe out the pockets of resistance, recruit the new starters, set the agendas, talk on the documentaries and retrospectives. Yet theirs - the official version - is never the whole story. The quitter's tale offers a far more compelling, and often a more honest version of history. The Last Goodbye, Matt Potter collects the pithiest, angriest, most hilarious messages of resignation throughout history, including those whose exits were a springboard to eventual success, such as Steve Jobs, George Orwell and Charlie Sheen.It's full of self-deception, bloody knives, betrayal, honour, disgrace, disgust, thwarted ambition and shattered hopes, and sometimes a wicked sting in the tail . . .

For fans of the perceptive comedy of Hannah Gadsby, Lindy West, and Sarah Silverman, Academy Award–nominated and acclaimed stand-up comedian Jena Friedman presents a witty and insightful collection of essays on the cultural flashpoints of today. Jena Friedman’s life in comedy began with her senior thesis on inequity in the Chicago comedy scene. It was, in short, not funny, but it anticipated her career as a writer and comedian with acerbic wit and a keen, cutting eye for social observation. Now, she brings her trademark whip-smart humor and cultural criticism to this brainy and laugh-out-loud funny essay collection. Friedman effortlessly takes us just beyond the edge of the uncomfortable with explorations on everything from why some celebrities get buried for their indiscretions while others get a second (third, and fourth…) chance, how we should think about lines of appropriateness crossed decades ago, living in the post- (post-) #MeToo world of today, and the power we hand to silence when we’re told not to joke about reproductive rights, gender, privilege, or class. Not Funny is a witty and bold collection, challenging us to deeply consider why we do and do not laugh, from a rising star of comedy always ready to call out hypocrisy wherever she finds it. And knows how to get a laugh while she does it.

Here are more than 100 of the best Jewish jokes you'll ever hear, interspersed with perceptive and persuasive insight into what they can tell us about how Jews see themselves, their families, and their friends, and what they think about money, sex, and success. Rabbi Joseph Telushkin is as celebrated for his wit as for his scholarship, and in this immensely entertaining book, he displays both in equal measure. Stimulating, something stinging, and always very, very funny, Jewish Humor offers a classic portrait of the Jewish collective unconscious.

A helpful and positive illustrated guide to exacting the change in the world you want to see, using the tools you already have at your disposal. The mood in the world right now isn't good. Some of us might be feeling let down by our governments, or watching the rich and poor divide increase, or losing sleep over the large country of plastic floating in the Pacific ocean. But we mustn't feel defeated or hopeless. There are so many positives about this time we are living through. And one of those plenty of positives? *You and I have never had so much opportunity to make change!* No matter how big or small your cause, with 101 simple tips and tricks you can do to get your attitude in gear, treat change like business, rally your troops and strategise your success, Fuck the Establishment will have you changing the world in no time. You go Glen Coco!

A collection of comic strips following the adventures of Calvin and his stuffed tiger Hobbes.

Ever since Mrs Malaprop first took to the stage in 1775 and described a gentleman as 'the very pineapple of politeness', some famous figures have become better known for their slips of the tongue than for anything they said intentionally. In particular, the careers of a number of broadcasters, sporting figures and politicians have become defined by their verbal blunders. Former US Vice-President Dan Quayle is remembered solely for making unfortunate remarks such as 'Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.' Welsh naturalist Iolo Williams sent Twitter into meltdown when, discussing diving sea birds on Springwatch 2016, he asked a female conservationist: 'Is that the deepest shag you've ever had?' Even respected sports broadcaster Harry Carpenter was probably haunted forever by his seemingly innocent comment at the end of the 1977 Boat Race: 'Ah, isn't that nice? The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew.' I Wish I Hadn't Said That is a collection of over 3,000 spoken and written blunders - including unintentional double entendres, spoonerisms, mixed metaphors, malapropisms, jaw-dropping remarks, misguided quiz show answers, embarrassing newspaper misprints, and foreign signs and notices that have sadly become lost in translation.

Paige is best known for A Million Miles From Normal, her weekly column in the Sunday Times Life & Style magazine. As one of the anchor columnists of the Life & Style section since 2011, she has produced hundreds of hilarious columns and received hundreds more hilarious responses.

Pens Behaving Badly is a collection of the best of her columns and the best of the wild letters they’ve inspired.

Readers of The Herald's Diary love a laugh, especially if they spot a sign with a double meaning, a hilarious misspelling, or an attempt at English abroad which didn't quite mean what was intended. Fortunately, with camera phones they could ensure the best of them lived on in The Herald's daily Diary column. This title features the funniest.

From dodgy home haircuts and TikTok dance crazes to banana-bread baking and checkpoint cheek, even in lockdown social media star and comedian Rory O'Connor found plenty of opportunities to keep everyone laughing. Filled with Rory's trademark banter and observational gems, this infectious (!) and hilarious lockdown lookback will make you nostalgic for outdoor dining in the rain and loo roll shortages!

Add a twist of humour to South African nostalgia with Hagen Engler's latest offering. Black Twitter, Blitz And A Boerie As Long As Your Leg is a light-hearted, humorous read of multiple entries that can be dipped into at will. Optimistic, topical and definitely tongue-in-cheek, this book could easily be that last-minute gift that you pick up at the airport before you head back to the parental home for the holidays. Not too politically edgy - so as not to offend any sensitive elephants in the room – it draws on the great many things that South Africans do have in common, and that will give us all a moment to agree on something, for a change.

Black Twitter, Blitz And A Boerie As Long As Your Leg lists and celebrates the tiny, subtle aspects of South African life that we all experience but don’t always notice. Engler looks at icons of our shared South Africanness but drills a little deeper to make them more specific, a bit more ridiculous, a bit funnier, and hopefully to induce an excited exclamation from the reader of, “Yoh! That’s so true!” Even if the entry is ostensibly negative, Engler will find a poignant aspect of it that is lovable and help us laugh at ourselves.

In the long run, we're all dead. But for some of the most influential figures in history, death marked the start of a new adventure. The famous deceased have been stolen, burned, sold, pickled, frozen, stuffed, impersonated and even filed away in a lawyer's office. Their fingers, teeth, toes, arms, legs, skulls, hearts, lungs and nether regions have embarked on voyages that criss-cross the globe and stretch the imagination. Counterfeiters tried to steal Lincoln's corpse. Einstein's brain went on a cross-country road trip. And after Lord Horatio Nelson perished at Trafalgar, his sailors submerged him in brandy - which they drank. From Mozart to Hitler, Rest in Pieces connects the lives of the famous dead to the hilarious and horrifying adventures of their corpses and traces the evolution of cultural attitudes towards death.

Uncommon times call for uncommon wisdom. It s inspiring to hear from people who ve graduated from the school of hard knocks, yet kept a sense of humor. People like Twain, Voltaire, Oscar Wilde. People who've said the thing so well that we all wish we'd said it. People who've been there, done that, and refuse to sugarcoat what they've learned. People who know, as Sherry Hochman puts it, that ""Every day is a gift even if it sucks.""
From Kathryn and Ross petras, curators of craziness (and surprising smarts), comes a timely collection of reassuring reality:
""Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?"" John Barrymore
""October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August, and February."" Mark Twain
""I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much."" Mother Teresa
""When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes."" Dylan Thomas
""If you think you have it tough, read history books."" Bill Maher
And Voltaire: " "Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats."""

Delightful tales of hunting and fishing, family, friends, dogs, and precious time well spent and cherished Nationally recognized and award-winning writer Jim Mize captures the true essence of sport and living life to the fullest in this collection of stories about his outdoor escapades. In tales spanning more than five decades, Mize invites readers into carefree days hiking through the Colorado Rockies with a fly rod and leisurely casting poppers to bluegill on small southern ponds. Cold days shivering in a duck blind or deer hunting trips lost in fog all make for fine memories. And then there are the dogs. Meet boot-eating Labs, setters with fine noses, and a Brittany Spaniel that loved to bounce through frosted kudzu. Mize's humorous stories entertain and remind readers of their own turkey hunting or creek fishing excursions. Black-and-white line drawings from artist Bob White illustrate stories filled with laughter, quiet contemplation, and wonder. Mize reminds the young and old that the pleasure of the pursuit matters most.

From cell phone users in yoga classes to Zoom yoga participants sneaking wine and cheese off camera to those folks who just can't help peeking during meditation sessions, The Lighter Side of Yoga presents the humorous and offbeat aspects of yoga through Mike Nevitt's satiric comics. The many true-to-life situations in the book are based on Nevitt's experiences and observations over a 30-year period as a full-time yoga and meditation teacher. Aside from providing good laughs, Nevitt aims to gently poke those teachers and students who might have a tendency to take themselves and the practice of yoga a little too seriously. Yoga and mindfulness practitioners will smile knowingly as they recognize the all-too-familiar scenarios which Nevitt skewers throughout the book. So settle into your favorite yoga pose and let The Lighter Side of Yoga get your chakras spinning!