The Becket List is a not entirely serious compendium of ‘First World Problems’ – the sort of stuff that drives us round the bend on a daily basis. How is it that atonal music, bus stations, cling-film and coat-hangers can bugger us up so comprehensively? Or passport control people, modern poetry, or just about anything you’ll find in a typical hotel bedroom? Embracing both the inanimate – from allen keys to rawlplugs – and the animated (well, in some cases) – from your fellow-travellers to every third-rate waiter who ever walked the earth ¬– this book is essential for your sanity. As such, this comprehensive A to Z provides a signal service to humanity.

Covering every facet of Texas humor from life on the range to religion, politics, Texas women, Texas pride, tall Texas fish tales, marriage, money, history, cultures, and much more, this delightfully funny book of jokes is one you and your children will be able to read and enjoy.

Jack Handey is one of America's favorite humorists, from his New Yorker pieces to his Deep Thoughts books and Saturday Night Live sketches. Now, in What I'd Say to the Martians, Handey regales readers with his incredible wit and wacky musings.

Tim Sample's humor is as much a Down East institution as the famous little restaurant that inspired the title story of his book.

On the heels of George Carlin's #1 New York Times bestseller Napalm & Silly Putty comes When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?--infused with Carlin's trademark irreverent humor and biting cultural observations. Here we go again . . . George Carlin's hilarious When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? offers his cutting-edge opinions and observational humor on everything from evasive euphemistic language to politicians to the media to dead people. Nothing and no one is safe Despite the current climate of political correctness, Carlin is not afraid to take on controversial topics: Carlin on the media: The media comprises equal parts business, politics, advertising, public relations, and show business. Nice combination. Enough bull for Texas to open a chain of branch offices.Carlin on the battle of the sexes: Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.Carlin on hygiene: When did they pass a law that says the people who make my sandwich have to be wearing gloves? I'm not comfortable with this. I don't want glove residue all over my food; it's not sanitary. Who knows where these gloves have been?Carlin on evasive language: Just to demonstrate how far using euphemisms in language has gone, some psychologists are now actually referring to ugly people as those with "severe appearance deficits." Hey, Doctor. How's that for "denial"?Carlin on politics: No self-respecting politician would ever admit to working in the government. They prefer to think of themselves "serving the nation." To help visualize the service they provide the country, you may wish to picture the things that take place on a stud farm. The thinking person's comic who uses words as weapons, Carlin puts voice to issues that capture the modern imagination. For instance, why are there Ten Commandments? Are UFOs real? What will the future really be like? This brand-new collection tackles all that and more. In When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? Carlin's razor-sharp observations demolish everyday values and leave you laughing out loud--delivering exactly what his countless fans have been waiting for.

Christmas comes but once a year... and in the world of the grumpy bloke, that’s once too often! But turn that frown upside down with the hundreds of jokes and one-liners in this book of festive fun. There’s nothing like a good laugh to chase away the winter blues or cheer yourself up and, let’s face it, some people need it more than others! Make sure the grumpy bloke in your life is well entertained (even when he really doesn’t want to be) by the gags and jokes in this whopping compendium of Christmas funnies from a veritable master of the art, Nick Harris. From Christmas jumpers to sad-sack Santas and from broken tree lights to shocking Christmas dinners, there are jokes aplenty to raise a smile in even the grumpiest bloke ... okay then, a chortle ... the merest hint of an upturned lip ...? Oh, come on, it’s FUNNY!

Know someone who's as dramatic as a soap okra? Champion their 'shiitake happens' attitude with this little book of upbeat and adorkable fruit puns. #tatersgonnatate About the series This cute and colourful series of fruit-pun-filled gift books are the perfect pick-me-ups for you, your friend or your partner in crime. Do you need to avocuddle, or are you grapeful for someone who's a bit of a melon? Then share the clove with these little books: AvoCuddle, WhataMelon, You are my Raisin for Living, Don't Give a Fig, I am Grapeful, You are 24 Carrot Gold. *veg, nuts and seeds are fair game

A charming gift book of pleas, put downs, misplaced career guidance and character assessments collected from the school reports and memoirs of celebrities and ordinary people from across the UK and Ireland. Featuring household names such as Benedict Cumberbatch, David Bowie, Sandi Toksvig, Sir Billy Connolly, and even members of the Royal family, this collection will have readers laughing and digging out their own school reports.

A return to the wit and wisdom of Boris Johnson - Brexiteer, Foreign Secretary, Prime Minister. New and updated edition. 2019 - the year that Boris took on the 'lingering gloomadon-poppers', pledged to steer the UK between the 'Scylla and Charybdis of Corbyn and Farage' and into the calmer waters of political freedom. Of course there was always bound to be 'a bit of plaster coming off the ceilings of Europe's Chanceries'. Harry Mount has updated his edited collection of the Prime Minister's wit and wisdom with three new chapters dealing with Boris's time as Brexiteer-in-chief; Foreign Secretary and 'On the Threshold of Downing Street'. He describes Boris's Brexit campaign, his leadership breakdown in 2016, his ups and downs as Foreign Secretary, his time outside the political establishment, his turbulent private life and how Boris felt it was his manifest destiny to become the prime minister. So buckle up for a riotous tour of the million-pound NHS funder, golden wonder, pro-having, pro-eating blond behemoth. This is the Wit and Wisdom of Boris Johnson.

The sequel to 5,000 Great One-Liners Praise for 5,000 Great One-Liners: "It'ss an admirable gift, being able to compress wit and wisdom into a trenchant sentence or so, and Grant Tucker has harvested the world's best - an Olympiad of linguistic play." Daily Mail If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. My co-worker just announced he's getting married. I told him how happy my marriage has made me. But he's still going through with it anyway. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here." The cashier told me, "Strip down, facing me." How was I to know she meant my debit card? Why did the hipster burn his tongue? He ate his food before it was cool. Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you've got it made. After making us laugh out loud with 5,000 Great One-Liners, Grant Tucker goes one better with this uproarious sequel! More One-Liners is another hilarious volume of the finest quips, zingers, puns and wisecracks known to humanity. From twists on the classics to modern greats, from A-grade antics to X-rated gags, from jokes you could tell your mother to jokes about yo momma, there's something short, sweet and wickedly clever for everyone in this definitive volume.

An insult can be offensive and infuriating, but we've all had those moments where we just wish we had come up with a good one. Even better, having the
perfect comeback to one of these rude remarks brings us all the personal
satisfaction in the world. 1001 Insults, Put-downs, & Comebacks gathers together the very sharpest of these barbs from a wide variety of sources with some of the wickedest put-downs from the literary, political, and entertainment worlds, along with many others, including:
"He has become the oldest living cute boy in the world."
--Anna Quindlen on Paul McCartney
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."--Groucho Marx
"When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?"--David Letterman
Clare Booth Luce stood aside and gestured Dorothy Parker to precede her through a door, saying "Age before beauty." Parker swept on, saying only
"Pearls before swine."
"George Steinbrenner is the center of evil in the universe."
--Ben Affleck on the New York Yankees owner

Real Owls Don't Bark is a charming, quirky, and sometimes deeply moving collection of true stories that will convince anyone that who we are and what matters is often shaped by the most ordinary people and events we encounter in our daily lives. Drawn from years of hilarious and thoughtful travelogues he wrote as a communications consultant, author Paul Heagen provides intriguing insights into communications in business and life as you journey with him when he learns: * The generosity of a toothless fruit vendor in Hong Kong * The importance of getting out of your element during a biker rally in Nevada * The value of context from a memorable round of golf in the morning fog * The role of significance from an elderly Parisian couple's modest wooden jewelry box Whether you're a parent, a professional, or just a person who likes to think more about the everyday events in our lives, Real Owls Don't Bark will help you understand that all of us have stories that have a lasting influence in our lives, as well as the lives of others. 'A witty and charming velvet hammer for what really matters in life. you turn each page if you'll laugh or cry, but you'll definitely think. -Mary Nixon, Vice President-Finance, KFC 'This is a must-read for any leader-or anyone, for that matter-who is open to what everyday life can teach us. -Mike Monahan, Executive Director, Life Success Seminars

Why did the banana go to the doctors? Because he wasn't peeling very well! Proving the age-old maxim that 'it's in the way that you tell them', Dads - for the best part of forever - have always been renowned for being truly god-awful joke tellers. Whether it's telling them at the wrong moment, misremembering the punchline or it just simply being one of those jokes that were terrible to begin with, Dads are an embarrassment to the whole family when it comes to trying to tell jokes. The VERY Embarrassing Book of Dad Jokes is full to the brim with jokes that only your dear old Dad would dare say - jokes that will make you groan, sigh ... and then probably make you groan again. Dads take great pleasure in these kinds of jokes and some of them are so rubbish they actually blossom into proper rib-ticklers - but don't tell your dad that, it'll only encourage him!

A celebration of failures, doom, disaster, mistakes, miscalculations, hubris, folly and really, really bad albums. Written by the author of the cult hit, Crap Towns. Most books celebrate the exceptions rather than the rule. They focus on the over-achievers, the unique and strange success stories. They don't provide a fair reflection of the general tide of history - but they do make your average reader feel, well, more average. The 10 Worst of Everything redresses this imbalance and shows that you maybe shouldn't take it too badly if your own plans aren't working out. And there's nearly always someone worse off than you. Which is reassuring, if nothing else. This is a fascinating compendium of disappointing facts about the world, vital information about places to avoid, mind-boggling information about medicine, history and science, pop culture misses, as well as all the daft things we do to each other. It will help to prove the old adage that you can always learn more from failure than you can from success. And hey, even if you don't want to boost your brain, there's still the fun of watching other people go wrong.

The Encyclopedia of Black Folklore and Humor presents a well-rounded social history of the African-American, and demonstrates very graphically in each of its seven sections the close relationship between folklore and history.

'The poet laureate of lists' John Mitchinson, QI Elf 'Brilliant, hilarious fun from a master wordsmith - you will LOVE this book' Kit de Waal Join wordsmith Adam Sharp as he journeys around the world in idioms, proverbs and general nonsense. Learn unusual insults from France (You are a potato with the face of a guinea pig), how to hurry someone up in the US (You're going as slow as molasses in January) and what they call a shark in Vietnam (fat fish). Full of fascinating, ridiculous and hilarious translations from around the world, Adam has rounded up the very best of what every corner of the globe has to offer. Let's get this show on the road! Or: Let's saddle the chickens! (German) On with the butter! (Icelandic) Forward with the goat! (Dutch)

A hilarious bipartisan collection of rants, malapropisms, doublespeak, and just plain idiocy from lifelong politicians and Washington wannabes.

Whether it's a Republican mayor on crime -- "The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe (Frank Rizzo) -- or his Democratic counterpart on the same subject -- "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country" (Marion Barry) -- political discourse is often off-course, not to mention unintentionally hilarious.

Wickedly funny when read from either direction, this book presents both Republican stupidity ("Approximately 80 percent of our air pollution stems from vegetation"-- Ronald Reagan) and matching head-slappers from Democrats ("For those who died [in the San Francisco earthquake], their lives will never be the same again" -- Barbara Boxer).

The 267 Stupidest Things . . is the perfect antidote to election-year bombast.

Comedian and star of The Office and Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Ellie Kemper delivers a hilarious and uplifting collection of essays about one pale woman's journey from Midwestern naif to Hollywood semi-celebrity to outrageously reasonable New Yorker. There comes a time in every sitcom actress's life when she is faced with the prospect of writing a book. When Ellie Kemper's number was up, she was ready. Contagiously cheerful, predictably wholesome, and mostly inspiring except for one essay about her husband's feet, My Squirrel Days is a funny, free-wheeling tour of Ellie's life-from growing up in suburban St. Louis with a vivid imagination and a crush on David Letterman to moving to Los Angeles and accidentally falling on Doris Kearns Goodwin. But those are not the only famous names dropped in this synopsis. Ellie will also share stories of inadvertently insulting Ricky Gervais at the Emmy Awards, telling Tina Fey that she has "great hair-really strong and thick," and offering a maxi pad to Steve Carell. She will take you back to her childhood as a nature lover determined to commune with squirrels, to her college career as a benchwarming field hockey player with no assigned position, and to her young professional days writing radio commercials for McDonald's but never getting paid. Ellie will guide you along her journey through adulthood, from unorganized bride to impatient wife to anxious mother who-as recently observed by a sassy hairstylist-"dresses like a mom." Well, sassy hairstylist, Ellie Kemper is a mom. And she has been dressing like it since she was four. Ellie has written for GQ, Esquire, The New York Times, McSweeney's and The Onion. Her voice is the perfect antidote to the chaos of modern life. In short, she will tell you nothing you need to know about making it in show business, and everything you need to know about discreetly changing a diaper at a Cibo Express.

Owners of this edition will receive access to non-DRM ebook versions of every book in the series--for free The Definitive Brother Juniper is the culmination of The Brother Juniper Rejuvenation Project. This 888-page hardcover (6.14" x 9.21") contains every single cartoon from all eight of the books in the Brother Juniper series. The "Brother Juniper" comic strip was syndicated in newspapers for thirty years and, at its peak, ran in more than 150 dailies world-wide. The comic, created by a seventy-one-year member of the Secular Franciscan Order, received an unprecedented cross-cultural response and was the only religious-themed comic strip to garner international syndication. The Brother Juniper Rejuvenation Project has done pixel-level remastering of the eight-book series using the highest caliber archival materials in order to present Brother Juniper with a degree of quality never before seen. Also, the Extended Editions supply readers with a breadth of supplementary content that traditional paper publishers are unable to produce. The creator, Father Justin 'Fred' McCarthy sums up the timeless appeal of Brother Juniper: "Take someone from the Middle Ages, put him in a modern setting and you have something funny right there. He's Catholic with a small 'c'. He's always trying to help people but always slipping on a banana peel. Characters like Brother Juniper, and Charlie Brown, lose the battle but win the war."