Whoever said, "sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you" never met an a**hole. Here, you'll find more than 1,200 of the most biting quotes, comments, and comebacks ever uttered, including:

• "I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence." --George Bernard Shaw
• "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." --Albert Einstein
• "If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make something out of you." --Muhammed Ali

You won't just find quotes from typical a**holes like Winston Churchill, Joseph Stalin, and Mark Twain, either. You'll also see what happens when practically perfect folks like Walt Disney, Mahatma Ghandi, and Audrey Hepburn lose their cool.

So embrace your dark side and get ready to enjoy every over-confident, over-blown, over-the-top a**hole comment you'll ever need.

~b~>With the winning, upbeat candor that has made her show on of the most popular and honored daytime shows on the air, beloved talk show host and comedian Ellen DeGeneres shares her views on life, love, and American Idol."I've experienced a whole lot the last few years and I have a lot to share. So I hope that you'll take a moment to sit back, relax and enjoy the words I've put together for you in this book. I think you'll find I've left no stone unturned, no door unopened, no window unbroken, no rug unvacuumed, no ivories untickled. What I'm saying is, let us begin, shall we?"Seriously... I'm Kidding is a lively, hilarious, and often sweetly poignant look at the life of the much-loved entertainer as she opens up about her personal life, her talk show, and more. PRAISE FOR Seriously... I'm Kidding "DeGeneres's amiably oddball riffs on everything from kale to catwalks to Jesus will make fans smile." -- People "Whatever the topic, DeGeneres's compulsively readable style will appeal to fans old and new." - Publishers Weekly "Fans will not be disappointed...[DeGeneres's] trademark wit and openness shine through and through." -- Kirkusspan

It is Not Now is collection of stories based upon real life, as well as a reflection on lost ways and changing values. It is a celebration of the eccentric people and lives of small towns all across Maine. Gould's wise, charming, and irreverent writing, honed by half a century of acute observation and practice of his craft, brings the American past to life even as it finds humor and hope in the American present.

'Optimism, mojo, complete bollocks. That's what the country is crying out for.' There is now only one certainty in life. When things can't possibly get worse, they absolutely will. And so, after three years of Maybot malfunctioning and Brexit bungling, welcome to BoJo the clown's national circus - where fun for none of the family is guaranteed. Fear not, however: Decline and Fail is your personal survival guide to the ongoing political apocalypse. This unremittingly entertaining collection of John Crace's lifegiving political sketches will get you through the darkest of days - or failing that, will at least help you see the funny side. Miss it at your peril...

A Midwestern comedian shares his offbeat observations on topics ranging from parenthood to life in the heartland, in a whimsical account that features such sections as Every Dumb Thing Men Do Begins with Alcohol, Man Shopping, and I Like My Women Like I Like My Chicken..

Showcasing the year's best from South Africa's sharpest cartoonist, this collection is as much a visually-entertaining read as a reflective summary of South African political events. Packed with biting humor and cutting-edge satire, these cartoons reflect the nation's conscience and ensure that no event passes without a comment or laugh.

**AVAILABLE TO PREORDER NOW** From the #1 New York Times bestselling author of Wow, No Thank You 'Brilliant, hilarious and perspicacious' ELIZABETH DAY 'SO funny.' SARA PASCOE 'Wildly, seditiously funny.' New York Times 'Sam Irby is the king of sparkling misanthropy and tender, loving dread.' Jia Tolentino This is not an advice book. Samantha Irby doesn't know anything. After fleeing Chicago to quarantine at home in Michigan, Irby finds herself bleaching groceries and wondering if her upper lip hairs are visible on Zoom. Her career reaches new heights: she gets to work with the iconic ladies of Sex and the City - her dream! - but behind the new-found glam, Irby is just trying to keep her life together. Our friend in print is back, on point, and ready to take us with her, from adopting Abe (her scrawny, watery-eyed firstborn dog) to her favourite, extremely specific porn searches (including two old nuns).

"Hey, doctor, I want to tell you something!" For 54 years, kids have shared with pediatrician Arnold Tanis stories, questions, and bold pronouncements about their childhood worlds. In between treating them, the good doctor wrote many of them down. Three generations of patients offer memorable and downright funny observations and opinions about all sorts of things: shots, school, their brothers and sisters, growing up, and even Dr. Tanis himself and whether he can sing as well as he thinks he does. The parents also chime in, both to complain about all their kids put them through and to celebrate how well they eventually turn out. A tireless, lifelong advocate of child safety, Dr. Tanis's impact on his patients and their families spans decades. This book is a testament to his career and a memorable glimpse of the warm and sometimes crazy world of a singing pediatrician.

Before the Civil War, a network of secret routes and safe houses crisscrossed the Midwest to help African Americans travel north to escape slavery. Although many slaves were able to escape to the safety of Canada, others met untimely deaths on the treacherous journey-and some of these unfortunates still linger, unable to rest in peace. In Hauntings of the Underground Railroad: Ghosts of the Midwest, Jane Simon Ammeson investigates unforgettable and chilling tales of these restless ghosts that still walk the night. This unique collection includes true and gruesome stories, like the story of a lost toddler who wanders the woods near the Story Inn, eternally searching for the mother torn from him by slave hunters, or the tale of the Hannah House, where an overturned oil lamp sparked a fire that trapped slaves hiding in the basement and burned them alive. Brave visitors who visit the house, which is now a bed and breakfast, claim they can still hear voices moaning and crying from the basement. Ammeson also includes incredible true stories of daring escapes and close calls on the Underground Railroad. A fascinating and spine-tingling glimpse into our past, Hauntings of the Underground Railroad will keep you up all night.

Before the Civil War, a network of secret routes and safe houses crisscrossed the Midwest to help African Americans travel north to escape slavery. Although many slaves were able to escape to the safety of Canada, others met untimely deaths on the treacherous journey-and some of these unfortunates still linger, unable to rest in peace. In Hauntings of the Underground Railroad: Ghosts of the Midwest, Jane Simon Ammeson investigates unforgettable and chilling tales of these restless ghosts that still walk the night. This unique collection includes true and gruesome stories, like the story of a lost toddler who wanders the woods near the Story Inn, eternally searching for the mother torn from him by slave hunters, or the tale of the Hannah House, where an overturned oil lamp sparked a fire that trapped slaves hiding in the basement and burned them alive. Brave visitors who visit the house, which is now a bed and breakfast, claim they can still hear voices moaning and crying from the basement. Ammeson also includes incredible true stories of daring escapes and close calls on the Underground Railroad. A fascinating and spine-tingling glimpse into our past, Hauntings of the Underground Railroad will keep you up all night.

In 2012 Running Press published Crazy Sh*t Presidents Said, which went on to gross 30,000 copies. Then in 2016 we had one of the most contentious U.S. elections to date, making this the perfect time for a revised edition. American Presidents have said a lot of crazy, absurd, offensive, and regrettable things, and in that torrent of official and unofficial remarks, some real head-scratchers have slipped out. This revised and updated edition includes more than 1,000 of the best and worst quotations from all 45 POTUS, now with quotes from President Trump, an updated introduction and new Trump illustrations.

The Texanist, Texas Monthly's perennially popular back-page column, has become the magazine's most-read feature. With an inimitable style and an unassailable wholesomeness, columnist David Courtney has counseled many a well-intentioned Texan, native or wannabe, on how to properly conduct him- or herself. Until the July 2016 issue, an original illustration by the late award-winning artist Jack Unruh, depicting the Texanist in a situation described in the column, accompanied the Texanist's sage wisdom. Unruh's peerless illustrations displayed a sly wit that paired perfectly with Courtney's humorous ripostes. The Texanist gathers several dozen of Unruh's most unforgettable illustrations, along with the fascinating, perplexing, and even downright weird questions that inspired them. Curing the curious, exorcizing bedevilment, and orienting the disoriented, the Texanist advises on such things as: Is it wrong to wear your football team's jersey to church? When out at a dancehall, do you need to stick with the one that brung ya? Is it real Tex-Mex if it's served with a side of black beans? Can one have too many Texas-themed tattoos? The Texanist addresses all of these important subjects and more. Whether you heed the good guidance, or just enjoy the whimsical illustrations, The Texanist will both entertain and educate you.

'Her first words were "shoes" and "brioche".' 'There's no nicer way to put this, but frankly anyone can afford to go skiing these days.' 'Of course I said "no". A trampoline in the garden gives out entirely the wrong message.' Based on the popular Twitter account @Highgatemums, this hilarious collection brings together the most outrageous snippets of conversation that have been overheard in the shops and cafes of this gentrified North London suburb. Highgate Mums also includes confessions from mothers dismayed by their own upper-middle-class offspring and submissions from fathers making fun of themselves with the hashtag #lattedads, revealing day-to-day life among Britain's chattering classes as never before.

Friends? Romans? Countrymen?You never know whom you'll have to impressat your next corporate shindig or keg party.Whatever the target audience, mental_floss knows staring facedown into the punch bowl isn't the trick. In fact, that's exactly why we're handing you Cocktail Party Cheat Sheets--a totally effective, foolproof guide to starting and sustaining conversations on every topic under the sun. Want to wax wise about barbarians, socialist theory, and jazz musicians? What about Keynesian economics, the Dead Sea Scrolls, and James Joyce's Ulysses? Well, it's all right here in front of you.We've jam-packed this book with jaw-dropping facts and hysterical anecdotes that are sure to please. So go ahead and stock up for your next soiree. We're not guaranteeing it will make you the most knowledgeable person in the room . . . just the most interesting.

'He's 100% political herpes. Back in six months whatever you do. Or three days, like last time.' Camilla Long on Nigel Farage 'You're as ugly as a salad.' Bulgarian insult 'I'm going to beat him so bad he'll need a shoehorn to put his hat on.' Muhammed Ali There's no pleasure like a perfectly turned put-down (when it's directed at somebody else, of course) but Matthew Parris's Scorn is sharply different from the standard collections. Here are the funniest, sharpest, rudest and most devastating insults in history, from ancient Roman graffiti to the battlefields of Twitter. Drawing on bile from such masters as Dorothy Parker, Elizabeth I, Donald Trump, Groucho Marx, Princess Anne, Winston Churchill, Nigel Farage, Mae West and Alastair Campbell - which form an exchange between voices down the ages - Scorn shows that abuse can be an art form. This collection includes extended literary invective as well as short verbal shin-kicks. Encompassing literature, art, politics, showbiz, marriage, gender, nationality and religion, Matthew Parris's sublime collection is the perfect companion for the festive season, whether you're searching for the perfect elegant riposte, the rudest polite letter ever written, or a brutal verbal sledgehammer.

'Whether you agree with him or not, P.J. writes a helluva piece.' Richard Nixon P.J. O'Rourke has had a prolific career as one of America's most celebrated humourists. But that career almost didn't happen. As he tells it, 'I began to write for pay in the spring of 1970. To tell the truth I didn't even mean to be a writer, I meant to be a race car driver, but I didn't have a race car.' Fortunately for us, he had to settle for writing. From his early pieces for the National Lampoon ('How to Drive fast on Drugs While Getting Your Wing-Wang Squeezed and Not Spill Your Drink'), through his classic reporting as Rolling Stone's International Affairs editor in the 80s and 90s ('Among the Euroweenies'), and his brilliant, inimitable political journalism and analysis (Parliament of Whores, Give War a Chance, Eat the Rich), P.J. has been entertaining and provoking readers with high octane prose, a gonzo Republican attitude and a rare ability to make you laugh out loud while silently reading to yourself. For the first time Thrown Under the Omnibus brings together his funniest, most outrageous, most controversial and most loved pieces in the definitive P.J. reader.

"Hi! I'm Victoria Wood and I've proved that playing the piano and singing songs very inaccurately can help you to lose weight and more importantly keep that weight off on a permanent basis. No calorie counting! No faddy restrictions! No weird combinations! Just sing songs at the piano for several hours a day, then drink eight pints of distilled water and lock yourself in the lavatory. Try it! It worked for me."

Whether resident or tourist, no-one is spared from the bloodlust of Scotland's most savage insect . . . The midge does not like sunlight and thrives in the wet, so the Scottish summertime brings perfect climatic conditions for this ruthless wee beastie. This fascinating and amusing anthology of anecdotes and information about the minuscule marauder ranges from the eighteenth century to the present, covering such topics as Bonnie Prince Charlie, Queen Victoria, kilts and camping. It also includes a section on remedies and repellents, so locals and visitors can tray and enjoy the pleasures of Scotland without the pain. And if the new midge-eating machines are as good as claimed, midges may soon be a thing of the past.

'Can books conduct electricity?' 'My children are just climbing your bookshelves: that's ok... isn't it?' A John Cleese Twitter question ['What is your pet peeve?'], first sparked the "Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops" blog, which grew over three years into one bookseller's collection of ridiculous conversations on the shop floor. From 'Did Beatrix Potter ever write a book about dinosaurs?' to the hunt for a paperback which could forecast the next year's weather; and from 'I've forgotten my glasses, please read me the first chapter' to 'Excuse me... is this book edible?' This full-length collection illustrated by the Brothers McLeod also includes top 'Weird Things' from bookshops around the world.

An illustrated and fully interactive activity book featuring the adorable, fluffy corgi bum What's floofy, boopy, splooty, and driving people wild? Corgi butts. Corgis have been breaking the Internet with their heart-shaped bottoms and woeful glances since the dawn of online. Now, finally, The Little Book of Big Corgi Butts will be the first-ever illustrated ode to the world's favorite dog booty. Part activity book, part homage, this book is a delightful dose of much-needed comfort and cuteness. The Little Book of Big Corgi Butts offers all the charming, escapist fun that anxious adults need today, as well as a stress-relieving, hands-on experience anyone can enjoy. With more than 100 activities and coloring pages, this fully interactive book offers Corgi Crosswords, how-tos for drawing derpy pups, amusing word searches, and more. Irresistibly adorable, The Little Book of Big Corgi Butts is primed to be the must-have gift book of the season for pet lovers and anyone who could use more smiles and soft tushies in their life.

Once again, Nigel Cawthorne takes the reader on a fascinating journey through the strange, hidden sexual history of England. The history of sex in Britain has been largely glossed over by 'proper' historians: Nigel Cawthorne has burrowed deep into the archives to reveal exactly what our ancestors got up to in bed (and out of it). There are chapters on the ancient arts of seduction, adultery, brothels, 'the English vice', contraception, defloration, and many more - from the torrid Tudors to the supposedly strait-laced Victorians.

In a surreal and unprecedented year in which even the most seasoned commentators have struggled to keep pace with the news cycle, letter writers to The Daily Telegraph have once again provided their refreshing and witty take on events. Now in its thirteenth year, this new edition of the best-selling series is a review of the year made up of the wry and astute observations of the unpublished Telegraph letter writers. Readers of the Telegraph Letters Page will be fondly aware of the eclectic combination of learned wisdom, wistful nostalgia and robust good sense of humour that characterise its correspondence - whether it's suggesting the sci-fi Vulcan salute as an alternative to the now-discouraged handshake, or a parable of political dysfunction drawn from shopping in Ikea. From Brexit to Covid, Trump to Biden, lockdown to vaccination, parish council Jackie Weaver to Texas Cat lawyer Rod Ponton, no one escapes their hilariously whimsical and sometimes risque musings. With an agenda as enticing as ever, the thirteenth book in the bestselling Unpublished Letters series will prove, once again, that the Telegraph's readers still have a shrewd sense of what really matters.

Flamboyant and witty, Oscar Wilde was famous for being famous. The toast of late-nineteenth London society, he once boasted he could speak spontaneously on any subject, and his writings were as varied as his captivating conversation. One of the leading playwrights of his age, he also found fame as a poet, novelist and essayist. Of course, Wilde's literary success is bound up with the tragedy of his private life, and his very name evokes fascination. Including Wilde's funniest remarks and ripostes as well as deeper reflections, this collection of wit and wisdom will amuse, provoke and delight. 'There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.' Lord Henry in The Picture of Dorian Gray, 1890. 'Yes: I am a dreamer. For a dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.' Intentions, 'The Critic as Artist', 1891.

With dazzling wit and astonishing insight, Bill Bryson--the acclaimed author of The Lost Continent--brilliantly explores the remarkable history, eccentricities, resilience and sheer fun of the English language. From the first descent of the larynx into the throat (why you can talk but your dog can't), to the fine lost art of swearing, Bryson tells the fascinating, often uproarious story of an inadequate, second-rate tongue of peasants that developed into one of the world's largest growth industries.

Combining inspiration, humor, and entomology, Instagram artist Ali Beckman (@SoFlyTaxidermy) is the internet's go-to gal for bug-related content that makes you a happier human. Beckman's witty comics, which use actual insects in everyday situations, illustrate the importance of pollinators as well as body positivity and mental health awareness. Using creatures that are donated, purchased, or found dead to create amusing cartoons, Bee a Good Human highlights the integral role of insects in our environment while also demonstrating we all have a part to play in this world. Beyond bugs, Beckman's art speaks to the value of self-love as she shares a narrative of growth and finding confidence within. Bee a Good Human features the best of Beckman's @SoFlyTaxidermy Instagram art. With 106 color illustrations, many of which have never appeared online, this gift of a book will make you consider the bigger picture-and laugh a little too.