"Let us begin by committing ourselves to the truth to see it like it is, and tell it like it is." --Richard Nixon
"I believe America is the solution to the world's problems." --Rush Limbaugh
"SHUT THE F#CK UP." --D. L. Hughley
The American dream is in dire need of a wake-up call. A f*cked up society is like an addict: if you are in denial, then things are going to keep getting worse until you hit bottom. According to D. L. Hughley, that's the direction in which America is headed.
In "I Want You to Shut the F*ck Up," D.L. explains how we've become a nation of fat sissies playing Chicken Little, but in reverse: The sky is falling, but we're supposed to act like everything's fine. D.L. just points out the sobering facts: there is no standard of living by which we are the best. In terms of life expectancy, we're 36th--tied with Cuba; in terms of literacy, we're 20th--behind Kazakhstan. We sit here laughing at Borat, but the Kazakhs are sitting in their country reading.
Things are bad now and they're only going to get worse. Unless, of course, you sit down, shut the f*ck up, and listen to what D. L. Hughley has to say. "I Want You to Shut the F*ck Up" is a slap to the political senses, a much needed ass-kicking of the American sense of entitlement. In these pages," " D. L. Hughley calls it like he sees it, offering his hilarious yet insightful thoughts on:
- Our supposedly post-racial society
- The similarities between America the superpower and the drunk idiot at the bar
- Why Bill Clinton is more a product of a black upbringing than Barack Obama
- That apologizing is not the answer to controversy, especially when you meant what you said
- Why civil rights leaders are largely to blame for black people not being represented on television
- Why getting your ghetto pass revoked should be seen as a good thing, not something to be ashamed of
- And how hard it is to be married to a black woman

"New York Times Book Review" Editors' Choice
A Very Oral History
With a New Introduction by the Author
""We Killed" shines in its details and its anecdotes....Well crafted and entertaining."--"The Boston Globe
"
From live comedy to television and bestseller lists, women rule the comedy industry--and, as this fascinating oral history shows, they have fought long and hard to make their way to the top. In "We Killed," Yael Kohen assembles America's most prominent comediennes--along with the writers, producers, and nightclub owners in their orbit--to piece together the rise of women in American comedy. Beginning with the emergence of Phyllis Diller and Joan Rivers in the fifties, and moving forward to the edgy intelligence of Elaine May and Lily Tomlin on to the tough-ass stand-ups who would take SNL by storm, Kohen chronicles the false starts, backslides, and triumphs of female comedians. With a chorus of more than one hundred creative voices, "We Killed" takes us backstage to tell the story of the revolution that brought us Tina Fey, Sarah Silverman, and Chelsea Handler--and a world where women can be smart, attractive, sexually confident, and flat-out funny.

When Adrian Kulp first learned that he was about to become a father, he was essentially a teenage boy trapped in the body of a thirty-two-year-old high-powered executive. He did what his wife asked him to do: grow up. He packed away his Phillies baseball memorabilia, hid his GI Joes, and converted their guest bedroom from his private man cave into a nursery. Goodbye sticky beer cozy. Hello Diaper Genie.
Based on his mercilessly funny and brutally honest blog, here is the hilarious story of one man's journey from being the one who brings home the bacon to the one who fries it--along with assembling the crib, learning how to "accessorize" his daughter, and flying with an infant for the first time. From numbing booze-free co-ed baby showers to navigating the Farmer's Market with a baby (and loaded diaper) strapped to his chest, to locking himself out of a childproofed toilet, this often-sweaty and exhausted SAHD (stay-at-home dad) gets down and dirty about surviving life as a new parent--dad or alive.

Everyone knows that laughter is the best medicine, but Forced to Fly is more than a collection of funny stories about the seeing the funny side of the day to day blunders we all make. It is packed with stories that resonate with anyone who has lived abroad Its opening chapters, written by experts, counsellors and real-life expats who have struggled with culture shock, will provide support and advice to guide you through any dark patches. When the first edition came out I had no idea that it would find its way into corporate goodie bags for relocating employees, nor that people would call me up, saying, "Help, my daughter-in-law has just moved to Dubai and is not doing so well. Can you send her a book, please?" In this second edition, we have added a chapter on emotional resilience in addition to more than 20 new stories for you to enjoy from new writers such as Jack Scott, whose memoir, Perking the Pansies, has been shortlisted for the Polaris prize and the hilarious Debbie Fletcher, author of Bitten by Spain. Blogger contributors AdventuresInExpatland, DisparateHuisvrouw, WordGeyser and IWasAnExpatWife make this a thoroughly modern version of an old favourite. "A must-have book for expats everywhere. A unique mix of practical advice and funny stories that everyone will relate to." Toni Summers-Hargis, author of Rules, Britannia and blogger at Expat Mum - http: //expatmum.blogspot.com 'I would love to have had it with me when I left home ten years ago for the first time." Laura J Stephens, author of An Inconvenient Posting, an expat wife's memoir of lost identity - www.laurajstephens.com "Delightfully relevant. A cleverly crafted collection of expatriate stories and advice, including the good, the bad and the hilarious side of international living. Perfect for global nomads looking to feel connected through shared experiences." Alison Cavatore, Founder, CEO and Editor-in-Chief, Global Living Magazine - www.globallivingmagazine.com

Writer, broadcaster, and wit Gyles Brandreth has completely revised Ned Sherrin's classic collection of wisecracks, one-liners, and anecdotes. With over 1,000 new quotations from all media, it's easy to find hilarious quotes on subjects ranging from Argument to Diets, from Computers to The Weather. Add sparkle to your speeches and presentations, or just enjoy a good laugh in company with Oscar Wilde, Mark Twain, Joan Rivers, Kathy Lette, Frankie Boyle, and friends. 'Now we have the World Wide Web (the only thing I know of whose shortened form-www-takes three times longer to say than what it's short for)' Douglas Adams 'Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends' Woody Allen 'Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight' Phyllis Diller 'Having a baby is like getting a tattoo on your face. You really need to be certain it's what you want before you commit' Elizabeth Gilbert 'The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it' Terry Pratchett 'Retreat, hell! We're only attacking in another direction' American general Oliver P. Smith

The Pig Who Survived an Atomic Bomb

The Psychologist Who Hid Beneath Beds

The Founding Father Who Delivered Mouth-to-Mouth . . . to a Chicken

Welcome to some of the most weird and wonderful experiments ever conducted in the name of science. Alex Boese's "Electrified Sheep" is packed with eccentric characters, irrational obsessions, and extreme experiments. Watch as scientists attempt to nuke the moon, wince at the doctor who performs a self-appendectomy, and catch the faint whiff of singed wool from an electrified sheep.

When Jason Mulgrew enrolls in a private high school in an exciting new neighborhood (North Philly, murder center of the city), he finds himlf displaced into a world of privilege and strict standards. His classmates, whose parents are lawyers and bankers, live in houses with yards and pools. Mulgrew, whose longshoreman father bought him a motorcycle upon completion of his driver's test, struggles to relate in this wider world, fighting his way through the gauntlet of high school as an awkward, sexless giant.

Mulgrew tackles the glorious complications, misapprehensions, and obsessions of the teenage mind. He revisits his unhealthy fixations on dogs, his "bird," the Prep, friends who are girls, Kahlua & Cream, and a certain position in student body government to craft yet another raunchy, honest, and relentlessly funny memoir.

Welcome to the Not-So-Glorious Days

With the uncertain economy, lingering wars, and the ever-present threats of everything from bird flu to Bieber Fever, it's tempting to long for the "good old days." But just how good were they?

Buckle up for a bumpy ride down memory lane (and try not to get trampled) as these 665 funny history facts and terrifying truths reveal the unfortunate reality of life during the eighteenth, nineteenth and early twentieth centuries. From patents that should still be pending to hairdos that attract vermin, these horrors will leave you thankful you didn't have to struggle to live through them.

Brace yourself as the truth hits you like an ice-cold Victorian-era shower with enough pressure to knock you unconscious. Get ready to shudder with laughter (or horror) at these funny moments in history that are not to be forgotten.

Since 1999, millions of readers and web crawlers have read The Satirist online. At long last, the best pieces, including previously unpublished material, have been collected into this cherished and universally loved volume of satire. Learn how to start your own religious cult in the "Seven Habits of Highly Efficient Cult Leaders" Read how converting empty shopping malls into prisons can transform the US economy Are you a conspiracy theorist? Take the test Discover Claire Hoyt, "Shrink to the Stars," who gossiped openly about the secrets of her clients, Hollywood's leading celebrities Did the French philosopher, Claude Roger, plagiarize from his own students? Was Max Sazonov a great Russian poet or a total idiot? Read reviews of imaginary movies Read reviews of imaginary works by John Irving and Thomas Pynchon. And much more 58 articles in all "The more blandness and repression there is in any society, the more need there is for irreverence toward those who are responsible for that blandness and repression. The Satirist serves such a purpose with imagination and style." -Author/comedian Paul Krassner "An instant Borgesian classic "

Your round-trip ticket to the wildest, wackiest, most outrageous people, places, and things the Old Dominion has to offer! Whether you're a born-and-raised Virginian, a recent transplant, or just passing through, Virginia Curiosities will have you laughing out loud as Sharon Cavileer takes you on a rollicking tour of the strangest sides of the Old Dominion State. Meet Gary Stiteler, owner of Glen's Fair Price Store-a curiosity shop that has been open since 1941. Ask him how to get a Confederate uniform or a replica of the famous ball gown worn in Gone with the Wind. Visit the First Peanut Museum in the U.S.A. and learn about the history of the peanut, from antique planters and cultivators to peanut scoopers, all thanks to the Waverly Women's Club.Relive the glory of the old south at Berry Hill: Wander around the stately white home, now a resort, and view the free-standing mahogany horseshoe staircase acclaimed as one of the finest stairs in the country.

This definitive collection of the North Star State's odd, wacky, and most offbeat people, places, and things is filled with quirky photographs throughout and maps for each region. Minnesota Curiosities includes humorous state facts and amusing stories and serves as a combination almanac, off-the-wall travel guide, and wacky news gazette.

'Matt is an Adorable Genius' Jilly Cooper The last twelve months seen through the eyes of the brilliantly funny cartoonist Matt - the perfect Christmas gift. 'No one can be funny every time - except Matt' John Humphrys 'So much greater than his nearest rivals it's almost embarrassing' Stephen Fry 'That rare thing - a daily cartoonist who never fails' THE TIMES There is no doubt: award-winning Matt definitely makes the world a happier place!

My Daddy Was a Pistol and I'm A Son of a Gun is a special memoir, an unabashed confession of a man's love for his father, told as only humorist Lewis Grizzard can. Grizzard's father was a man of tremendous contradictions, of lusty appetites, of rare warmth. He was a charmer of men and women and a consummate con artist. A certified war hero and a shameless passer of bad checks. An overpowering personality and a man of great courage. Finally the self-described mah-velous Major Grizzard was a drinker, capable of going off on a bender that could wreak havoc even for those he loved most. If the Major is the soul of this book, Lewis Grizzard is the heart, flashing back and forth in time. Grizzard offers his trademark hilarious and touching recollections of eccentric aunts, compassionate teachers, sagacious bosses; of being kidnapped and traveling with his daddy by bus to small towns all over the South; of learning to tell jokes; and of understanding how to laugh—and cry—at life. Grizzard's My Daddy Was a Pistol will entertain as well as surprise his legion of established fans as well as those just discovering Grizzard for the first time.

"His use of language, his ability to twist the narrative and turn the obscure into the profound is outstanding." - "The Stage"
Looking for a creative writing guide out there that will tell you how to write better? A book to tell you how to structure a perfect plot, create great characters, use language in a powerful and poetic way? This is not that book.
"100 Ways to Write Badly Well" is an adventure in drivel. It will teach you how to botch a plot, how to create characters that no one in their right mind would identify with and how to reduce the beauty of the English language to an incoherent mush.
Using one hundred practical examples, each awful in its own unique way, blogger and creative writing tutor Joel Stickley will lead you methodically up the creek and carefully remove your paddle before running off and leaving you stranded. The route is lined with mixed metaphors, terrible plot twists, piles of adjectives and characters staring at themselves in mirrors for no apparent reason.
Based on the popular blog and live comedy show How To Write Badly Well, this book is an invaluable guide to the art of awful writing that no would-be author should be without. Remember - if a thing's worth doing badly, it's worth doing badly well.

From Beverly Hills mansions to Irish country lanes, super-yachts to side-alleys, howling cougars to psychotic nutters, stand-up spotlights to police helicopter searchlights, superstar highs to inner demon woes, along with so much more, Mark Hayes takes us on quite an adventure in RanDumb-er, the random but hardly dumb tales of an Irish chancer. From one side of the world to the other, in and out of the fantasy of Mark's reality, all with a smile and a belly-aching laugh, RanDumb-er will draw you in and make you believe in the spirit of your inner five year old once more Go ahead - Open a Guinness, take off your pants (comfort is key here), sit back, relax and enjoy the show. Fast pace, quicker wit, time for you to join Mark as he tells his story of two cities and one dream. Ran. Dumb. Er. On About The Author: Mark Hayes is an Irish guy who now lives in L.A. Chancer. Prancer. Midnight. Dancer. Bestselling author of RanDumb: The Adventures of an Irish Guy in L.A which has been rated #1 on Amazon Humor. Praise For RanDumb: 'RanDumb is an intelligently put-together, often satirical analysis of the times we live in... a thoroughly entertaining read that will make you 'LOL' -laugh out loud - as so many have done on Mark Hayes' blog.' 'With his unique style, phrasing and word coinage, Mark Hayes introduced himself to us in his first book RanDumb as a kind of hard drinking, half-slacker, half German technical translator, carefree globetrotter finding his way in Hollywood. Very funny and a great read.' 'I've always wanted to give up the mundane day job, pack my bags and head for the promised land, but circumstances have conspired against me. So, when I heard of this book, it was a must read... I wasn't disappointed in the least. It was just how I would have imagined and more... Mark Hayes has shared his experiences of chasing the American Dream and I love it.'

The "New York Times" bestseller--now in paperback. Award-winning actress Shirley MacLaine pens the most funny, accessible, and timely book of her career, detailing all the things she's over...and a few she's not.
At a certain time in life, we all come to realize what is truly important to us and what just doesn't matter. For Shirley MacLaine, that time is now. In this wise, witty, and fearless collection of small observations and big-picture questions, she shares with readers all those things that she is over dealing with in life, in love, at home, and in the larger world...as well as the things she will "never"" "get over, no matter how long she lives.
Among the things that Shirley is over: people who repeat themselves; conservatives "and"" "liberals; ill-mannered young people; the poison of celebrity; being polite to boring people; and getting older in Hollywood.
As frank and personal as Nora Ephron's "I Feel Bad About My Neck"--which, incidentally, Shirley doesn't since she knows the secrets of good lighting--"I'm Over All That "is MacLaine at her acerbic and irreverent best.

Gilbert Gottfried on "Rubber Balls and Liquor" Nobody ever reads this part of the book. Somebody at the publishing house explained to me that it's actually called jacket copy. It says in my contract that I have to write something over here in this tiny space, even though I don't think anyone will notice. In fact, I'll bet anything that you're not reading this part now. And if it turns out that you are . . . well, the guy in the bookstore is probably staring at you, saying, "Stop reading that book " I guess there's a reason bookstores are going out of business, left and right. Cheap bastards like you think it's okay to stand in the aisles and read to your heart's content. So for the sake of bookstores everywhere, buy this book. I myself don't care. I only care about the poor working man. Oh, and the sanctity of the written word. I care about that, too. And in my case, those written words, of course, include dick and pussy.

From the bestselling author of The Book of Awesome, You Are Awesome, and the award-winning, multimillion-hit blog 1000 Awesome Things comes even more of the little things that make us smile every day! Neil Pasricha is back with a collection of hundreds more awesome things from the website, as well as never-before-seen extraordinary moments that deserve celebration: * Letting go of the gas pump perfectly so you end on a round number * When a baby falls asleep on you * When your pet notices you're in a bad mood and comes to see you * Pulling a weed and getting all the roots with it * When your windshield wipers match the beat of the song you're listening to * When the hiccups stop * The smooth feeling on your teeth when you get your braces off * Driving from a rough road onto a smooth one * When the person you're meeting is even later than you are * That guy who helps you parallel park There's even space for you to write your very own Awesome Things in the back. Because couldn't we all use (even more) awesome?

Wondering if science could explain how he survived his 40-year avalanche of drugs and alcohol, Ozzy Osbourne became one of a handful of people in the world to have his entire DNA mapped in 2010. It was a highly complex, $65,000 process, but the results were conclusive: Ozzy is a genetic anomaly. The "Full Ozzy Genome" contained variants that scientists had never before encountered and the findings were presented at the prestigious TEDMED Conference in San Diego-making headlines around the world. The procedure was in part sponsored by "The Sunday Times" of London, which had already caused an international fururoe by appointing Ozzy Osbourne its star health advice columnist. The newpaper argued that Ozzy's mutliple near-death experiences, 40-year history of drug abuse, and extreme hypocondria qualified him more than any other for the job. The column was an overnight hit, being quickly picked up by "Rolling Stone" to give it a global audience of millions. In TRUST ME, I'M DR. OZZY, Ozzy answers reader's questions with his outrageous wit and surprising wisdom, digging deep into his past to tell the memoir-style survival stories never published before-and offer guidance that no sane human being should follow. Part humor, part memoir, and part bad advice, TRUST ME, I'M DR. OZZY will include some of the best material from his published columns, answers to celebrities' medical questions, charts, sidebars, and more.

Graham Norton is best known as a television presenter, chat show host and comedian. His warm demeanour and dry wit has endeared him to the nation and he is well on his way to securing the status of a national treasure. But as well as presenting and acting, Graham also fulfils another professional role: that of agony uncle to readers of The Daily Telegraph. Every week, scores of people write to Graham with their problems, hoping that his wise words will ease their worries or at least point them in the direction of a solution to their particular concern. The woes about which Graham is asked to offer adive are wide-ranging and include topics such as ungrateful spouses, errant partners, failing relationships, problems in the workplace and social etiquette. Each perfectly-pitched response includes just the right mixture of sound advice, humour and, occasionally, reprimand. We are, after all, fascinated with other people's problems and the winning combination of a glimpse into another's life coupled with a wise and witty reply makes for fascinating reading. This entertaining and often poignant book is a collection of the very best responses to a selection of problems from the man who is rapidly becoming the nation's favourite agony uncle.

It's still the Wild West in Colleen's Durango. Colleen Miller grew up in her parents' motel in Durango, Colorado, during the 1950s and 1960s. A tourist town in the southwestern corner of the state, alive with people from all over the world during the summer, Durango became an isolated, typical small town the rest of the year. These are the stories of her childhood, filled with the hilarious, larger-than-life characters that populated her family and the town around them. Told in the words of a precocious child who doesn't miss a thing, Colleen has the courage to name it all for what it is, telling anyone who will listen. Inside are her stories and more... "I laughed out loud so many times Colleen is a brilliant storyteller and a compassionate coach with fresh and unique ideas for uncovering those parts of our past we've buried while integrating them into the person we want to be today." Chicken Soup for the Soul series and other books "What I love about Colleen's writing is that the stories come alive and draw me in. They make me cry and laugh, and help me to see the truth of my own authentic self." -Sally Bonkrude, MA, LPC, MT-BC, author of Conscious Performing...from fear to freedom

Lewis Grizzard got his first newspaper job when he was ten years old. Thirty-odd years later (thirty-very-odd years) he's still in the newspaper business-and he's still infuriated by it, still tickled by it, and still very much in love with it. If I Ever Get Back to Georgia, I'm Gonna Nail My Feet to the Ground is all about that anger, that great humor and that even greater passion for something that affects every single one of us: the daily newspaper. Grizzard begins with his first writing job (covering a Boy's Church League team in Newman, Georgia), and continues through his college years in Athens, Georgia, where he learned how to do such things as prepare a front-page headline and layout in case Jesus Christ ever returned to earth. (Headline: HE'S BACK!) He examines the great Atlanta years and the cold Chicago winters-as sports editor of the Sun-Times, during which Grizzard lost his second wife, his cool, and very nearly his sanity, but also learned an awful lot about life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. This is Grizzard's funniest-and his best-book yet.

Warbling sopranos, bellowing basses, someone in the back row at least a line ahead of everyone else, fusty robes, intransigent organists and temperamental clergy - welcome to the world of the local church choir. There is no better observer of the volatile relations between the clergy, the choir, the organist and the congregation than Reg Frary who has seen it all in over seventy years' first hand experience of sitting in the choir stalls Sunday by Sunday and at weddings, funerals, carol services, festivals and other occasions. Here are 23 new stories, written with characteristic affection and wit, which will greatly entertain Reg's loyal and eager readers.

Readers have followed Jen Lancaster through job loss, sucky city living, weight loss attempts, and 1980s nostalgia. Now Jen chronicles her efforts to achieve cultural enlightenment, with some hilarious missteps and genuine moments of inspiration along the way. And she does so by any means necessary: reading canonical literature, viewing classic films, attending the opera, researching artisan cheeses, and even enrolling in etiquette classes to improve her social graces.
In Jen's corner is a crack team of experts, including Page Six socialites, gourmet chefs, an opera aficionado, and a master sommelier. She may discover that well-regarded, high-priced stinky cheese tastes exactly as bad as it smells, and that her love for Kraft American Singles is forever. But one thing's for certain: Eliza Doolittle's got nothing on Jen Lancaster-and failure "is" an option.