A man walks into a bar and sees his ex-girlfriend. "Hey," he says, "I was screwing my new girlfriend last night, but I was thinking about you." "Why? Do you want to get back together?" "No. It keeps me from coming too quick." What's the best thing to do when you see your wife staggering around on your front lawn? Shoot her again. Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning? Because they don't have any balls to scratch. A man walks into a bar and orders a martini. He slams it down, looks in his shirt pocket and orders another. He repeats this five times, then asks for the tab. The bartender totals it up and says, "Why do you examine the contents of your pocket after each drink?" "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she starts looking good I go home and fuck her." Did you hear about the new morning after birth control pill for men? It alters their blood type. Two brothers, who married twins, walk into a bar and order a pitcher of Michelob. "So what did you get Cindy for her birthday?" asks the older brother. The younger brother says, "I got her a diamond necklace and a BMW." "Why two gifts?" "If she doesn't like the diamond necklace she'll have a brand new car to drive to the jewelry store and exchange it. What did you get Wendy?" "A pair of pink fuzzy slippers and a carrot." "That's an odd combo." "Not really. I figure if she doesn't like the slippers she can fuck herself." A hooker, fearing she might be a hemophiliac, went to see her doctor. "The smallest little nick," she told him, "and I bleed for days." "How much," he asked, "do you lose during your period?" "About two thousand dollars." A man wheels himself into a bar. He has two broken legs and his head is bandaged. "Jerry," asks the bartender, "what happened to you?" "It was my wife's birthday last week and she wanted something that went from 0 to 200 in under six seconds." "You dumbshit," says the bartender, "you bought her a motorcycle, then borrowed and crashed it." "Worse," says Jerry. "I bought her a bathroom scale." A lady walks into a doctor's office and says, "You gotta help me. I'm tired all the time. I got no energy." "Look at your fat ass," says the doctor. "You're obese. You're a fucking tub of guts. Lose some weight you lazy bitch." "I demand a second opinion." "Okay," says the doctor. "You're ugly, too." A doctor approaches a patient and says, "You have, tops, a month to live. The cancer's incurable." "Nice bedside manner, Doc. Can't you think of anything positive to say?" "You're right. I apologize." "Accepted. If you tell me one thing that happened here today that's positive." The doctor thinks, then says, "You see my new receptionist with the big tits?" "Yeah?" The doctor whispers, "I fucked her at lunch." A man went to his therapist and said, "You gotta help me, I'm distraught. Every night my wife goes to Mac's Bar and sucks everyone's cock." "Calm down. Just take a deep breath and tell me where Mac's Bar is located." A man walks into a bar in Las Vegas and says to the bartender, "My wife is deathly ill and I need to borrow $100 to pay the insurance deductible and get her into the hospital." "If I gave you $100," says the bartender, "you'd just use it for gambling." "Fuck you," says the man, "I got gambling money." A man walks into a bar and orders a double John Jameson. Without being asked he says to the bartender, "The Vietnam War ruined my fucking life." "Where'd you serve in Nam?" asks the bartender. "I didn't." "Then how could it have ruined your life?" "My wife's first husband was killed there." Many many many more tasteless and politically incorrect jokes inside.

What do clouds wear when it's raining? Thunderwear. What time is it when 12 people go skiing? Winter. What do you call a one day old dog? A puppy. When did George Washington die? Four days before they buried him. A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a BLT. He enjoys his sandwich, but when the waiter brings the bill he pulls out a gun and kills him. Then he walks out without paying. The manager chases and catches him and asks, "Who do you think you are? You kill my waiter and then leave without paying?" "I'm a panda bear." "So?" The panda hands the manager a dictionary, "Look up panda." "Lemme see, lemme see. Here we go: Panda. Eats shoots and leaves." Why are fish so thin? Because they eat fish. What do Kermit the Frog and Smokey the Bear have in common? The same middle name What medical condition actually helps you run faster? Athletes foot. What's the quickest way to get a sick pig to the hospital? In a ham-bulance. Why isn't Dracula welcome at the bloodmobile? Because he always wants to make a withdrawal. What is the laziest part of any car? The wheels; they are always tired. What did one car muffler say to the other muffler? "Boy, am I exhausted." What did the jack say to the car? "May I give you a lift?" What has cities with no houses, rivers with no water, and forests with no trees? A roadmap. "Hey waiter," said the customer, "do you serve crabs here?" "Of course we do. Sit right down." Why did the cucumber need a lawyer? He was in a pickle. Why do ministers like Swiss cheese? Because it's so holy. Who's the only person more flexible than a ballerina who can lift her leg over her head? A sailor who can sit on his own chest. Why did the blueberry need a lawyer? It was in a jam. If you eat half of a cookie what do you have? An angry bake shop owner. What sandwich lies the most? Baloney. What do you call rollerbladers who chat on the computer? Online skaters. Why did the thief steal the deck of cards? He heard there were 13 diamonds in it. Why couldn't the sailors play cards? Because the Captain was standing on the deck. Why'd the crook hold up the river? It had two banks. What lives in the ocean, has eight legs and robs banks? Billy the Squid. How can you start a fire with just one stick? Make sure it's a match. A man hadn't slept for seven days but wasn't even tired. Why? He slept at night. Where does a shoe go during the summer? Boot camp. What do you call someone with size 12 feet, dark sunglasses, and curly hair who takes a plane from Chicago to Los Angeles? A passenger. Where do pilots keep their personal belongings? In air pockets. Which people travel the fastest? Russians. Which people travel the most? Romans. What do you call an egg that travels to unknown places? An eggs-plorer. How do hairdressers travel? By hairplane. How does a pizza travel? By pie-cycle. How does a tugboat show affection? It hugs the shore. What did the explorers say after being in the jungle for one week? "Safari so good." What musical instrument is best for catching fish? Castanets. How did the new kid at school realize that the food in the cafeteria was horrible before he even took a bite? The teacher told him to always be sure and pray before he ate. "Hello, I need to speak to the principal." "This is the principal speaking." I'm calling to tell you that John Roberts cannot come to school today because he has a very bad case of mumps." "Who is this?" "This is my father." How are a rude person and a school that is closed for the summer similar? Both have no class. Why'd the soccer players get such good grades in school? They know how to use their heads. When should you bring your dad to school? Whenever you have a pop quiz. Many, many more kidz jokes inside....