What's worse than having your doctor tell you have gonorrhea? Having your dentist tell you. The doctor said, "I want you to strip, walk to the open window, then wave your cock-and-balls around." "Do they need air?" "Not really. I just hate that asshole lawyer across the breezeway." Why do surgeons wear masks during operations? So if they fuck up no one can ID them. Why are lawyers buried 30 feet under the ground? Because down deep they're probably alright. "You need to eat a high fiber diet," the doctor told the heart patient, "quit smoking, and get some exercise." "What about sex?" "Just with your wife. We don't want you getting too excited." What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? A vulture can't remove his wingtips. A man arrives at the emergency room; the doctor approaches him and says, "Your wife's been in a terrible car accident, she's a paraplegic and brain-dead. You'll have to spend the rest of your life caring for her." "But doc, I'm only 25 years old. She might live another 60 years; I can't spend the rest of my life taking care of an invalid." "You won't have to," says the doctor. "I was just fucking with you. She's dead." Two lawyers hire a stunning new secretary and a contest begins between them to bed her. They both end up sleeping with her the day of the Christmas party and meet afterwards for drinks and bragging rights. "So how do you rate her cocksucking?" asks the first partner. "My wife is better." "You're right." How do you save a lawyer from drowning? Take your foot off his head. A couple visit a sex therapist who asks the wife, "What do you think is the biggest problem with your sex life?" "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation." "Is this true?" the therapist asks the husband. "I don't actually suffer," he replies. "She does." How does a lawyer say "Fuck you"? "Trust me." A lawyer said to his client on death row, "I've got good news and bad news." "What's the bad news?" "You're going to the electric chair tomorrow." "What's the good news?" "I got the voltage reduced." A doctor and his wife are out for a walk. A streetwalker says, "Good afternoon, Doctor Kiley." Before his wife can say anything, he says, "Don't worry. I know her professionally." She asks, "Your profession or hers?" Ben Affleck goes to the doctor and says, "You gotta help me, doctor. Every time I see myself in the mirror I get an erection." "That's because," says the doctor, "you're a pussy." Did you hear about the female lawyer who moonlighted as a hooker? She was a prostituting attorney. How do you sleep like an attorney? First you lie on one side and, then you lie on the other. What's brown and black and looks great on a lawyer? A Doberman. What's 15 inches long and dangles in front of an asshole? A lawyer's tie. A baby boy was born weighing ten pounds, but his testicles weighed five pounds. When the doctor told his mom he'd have to be placed in a mental institution she said, "Why?" The doctor said, "He's half nuts." What does a lawyer use for birth control? His personality. The doctor says, "I have bad news and worse news." "What's the bad news?" "You have one month to live." "What's the worse news?" "It's February." What do you need when you have seven lawyers up to their necks in quicksand? More quicksand. A doctor phones his patient, "I have good news and bad news." "What's the good news?" "You have 72 hours to live." "What's the bad news?" "I forgot to call you yesterday." What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit? The bucket. Why don't lawyers vacation at the beach? Cats bury them in the sand. Many many more doctor and lawyer jokes inside.

Why doesn't Smokey Bear have any children? Because every time his wife gets hot he throws dirt on her and beats her with a shovel. A lady brings her Schnauzer to the vets. The receptionist asks her what's wrong with the dog. The lady shows her the dog's ear, which has an ingrown hair. "I'll save you some money," says the receptionist. "Just go down to the drug store and get some hair remover and rub it on the dog's ear. You won't need to see the doctor." "Thanks." She goes to the drug store and says to the clerk, "Do you have hair remover?" "What kind, lotion or spray?" "What's the difference?" "You use the lotion for armpits. Rub it on and wait five minutes. Rub it off. But don't wear anything tight-fitting for a day." "It's not for my armpits." "Then use the spray for your legs. Spray it on. Wait. Wash it off. But don't wear nylons for a day." "It's not for my legs either." Confused, the clerk says, "What is it for?" "It's for my little Schnauzer." "Use the lotion. But don't ride a bike for a couple of days." Why can't worms dance? They don't have any balls. Why don't roosters wear boxer shorts? Their peckers are on their faces. What do you get when you cross a rooster with an owl? A cock that stays up all night. What's green and smells like pork? Kermit the Frog's dick. Why do male rabbits fuck so quietly? They've got cotton balls. What do you call a group of rabbits all jumping backwards in unison? A receding hare line. Why does Miss Piggy douche with vinegar and honey? Because Kermit loves sweet-and-sour pork. Why do dogs lick their balls? Because they can. Why did the horny rooster cross the gymnasium? He heard the ref was blowing fouls. What does a man do standing up that a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? Shake hands. Why don't lobsters play well with others? They're shellfish. A worm comes up from a hole and sees another worm. He says, "Wanna fuck?" "I'm your other end, dipshit." "What's the most unusual pet you have?" asked the lady. "I have a frog that," said the pet store owner, "loves to eat pussy." "I'll take it." She's back the next day, "I want my money back." "Why?" "He didn't eat anything except some flies." "You must be doing something wrong. Let's go to your place." They do and he says, "Show me exactly what you did." She takes off her clothes, sits on the bed and places the frog in front of her twat. Nothing. The guy picks the frog up, hands it to the woman. He kneels in front of her spread legs and says to the frog, "This is the last time I'm going to show you." An American is touring Scotland by bicycle when he sees a man with his kilt hiked up, fucking a sheep. The American stops and the Scot says, "What are you staring at, Yank?" "We have sheep in our country, but we don't do that to them." "What do you do to sheep in your country, laddie?" "We shear them." "Get your own; I'm not shearing with nobody." Many many many more filthy, x-rated animal jokes inside...

From one of social media's best-loved humour accounts comes this grin- (and groan-) inducing collection of illustrated puns and dad jokes that will leave you in stitches Laughs are guaranteed with this collection of dad jokes and puns from PunHub, the internet's go-to source for hilarious puns and dad jokes. Here, presented for the first time in print, is a collection of PunHub's most popular gags, alongside new and exclusive content previously unseen by PunHub's army of over one million loyal fans, desperate for another dose of so-bad-it's-good humour.

Laughter will fill the air when you and your kids are reading this book full of great, age appropriate jokes. Nothing controversial in here - just good, old fashioned, cornball jokes Your kids will enjoy reading this book again and again

Cheers for "Tasteless Tweets":

"Seeing a Jason Gillearn tweet come across my feed always makes my day. I don't know if his family, students, and the faint of heart would feel the same way. Jason says in 140 characters what twitterless perverts and weirdos have been struggling with for years."
- Chris Franjola ("Chelsea Lately")

"Jason Gillearn will always be one of my favorite comics. His wholesome private life with his family contradicts his twisted serial killer sense of humor. He scares me."
- Bobby Lee ("MADtv," "Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle")

"Jason Gillearn makes you feel dirty for laughing at his jokes."
- Josh Wolf ("Chelsea Lately," "Shark After Dark")

"With the amount of weed Jason smokes, it's amazing he can even remember to tweet. And then to actually write funny s**t ... well, that makes him a god."
- Brad Wollack (Producer: "Chelsea Lately," "After Lately")

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These tasteless tweets are culled from the popular Twitter timeline @jasongillearn