What do clouds wear when it's raining? Thunderwear. What time is it when 12 people go skiing? Winter. What do you call a one day old dog? A puppy. When did George Washington die? Four days before they buried him. A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a BLT. He enjoys his sandwich, but when the waiter brings the bill he pulls out a gun and kills him. Then he walks out without paying. The manager chases and catches him and asks, "Who do you think you are? You kill my waiter and then leave without paying?" "I'm a panda bear." "So?" The panda hands the manager a dictionary, "Look up panda." "Lemme see, lemme see. Here we go: Panda. Eats shoots and leaves." Why are fish so thin? Because they eat fish. What do Kermit the Frog and Smokey the Bear have in common? The same middle name What medical condition actually helps you run faster? Athletes foot. What's the quickest way to get a sick pig to the hospital? In a ham-bulance. Why isn't Dracula welcome at the bloodmobile? Because he always wants to make a withdrawal. What is the laziest part of any car? The wheels; they are always tired. What did one car muffler say to the other muffler? "Boy, am I exhausted." What did the jack say to the car? "May I give you a lift?" What has cities with no houses, rivers with no water, and forests with no trees? A roadmap. "Hey waiter," said the customer, "do you serve crabs here?" "Of course we do. Sit right down." Why did the cucumber need a lawyer? He was in a pickle. Why do ministers like Swiss cheese? Because it's so holy. Who's the only person more flexible than a ballerina who can lift her leg over her head? A sailor who can sit on his own chest. Why did the blueberry need a lawyer? It was in a jam. If you eat half of a cookie what do you have? An angry bake shop owner. What sandwich lies the most? Baloney. What do you call rollerbladers who chat on the computer? Online skaters. Why did the thief steal the deck of cards? He heard there were 13 diamonds in it. Why couldn't the sailors play cards? Because the Captain was standing on the deck. Why'd the crook hold up the river? It had two banks. What lives in the ocean, has eight legs and robs banks? Billy the Squid. How can you start a fire with just one stick? Make sure it's a match. A man hadn't slept for seven days but wasn't even tired. Why? He slept at night. Where does a shoe go during the summer? Boot camp. What do you call someone with size 12 feet, dark sunglasses, and curly hair who takes a plane from Chicago to Los Angeles? A passenger. Where do pilots keep their personal belongings? In air pockets. Which people travel the fastest? Russians. Which people travel the most? Romans. What do you call an egg that travels to unknown places? An eggs-plorer. How do hairdressers travel? By hairplane. How does a pizza travel? By pie-cycle. How does a tugboat show affection? It hugs the shore. What did the explorers say after being in the jungle for one week? "Safari so good." What musical instrument is best for catching fish? Castanets. How did the new kid at school realize that the food in the cafeteria was horrible before he even took a bite? The teacher told him to always be sure and pray before he ate. "Hello, I need to speak to the principal." "This is the principal speaking." I'm calling to tell you that John Roberts cannot come to school today because he has a very bad case of mumps." "Who is this?" "This is my father." How are a rude person and a school that is closed for the summer similar? Both have no class. Why'd the soccer players get such good grades in school? They know how to use their heads. When should you bring your dad to school? Whenever you have a pop quiz. Many, many more kidz jokes inside....

What's worse than having your doctor tell you have gonorrhea? Having your dentist tell you. The doctor said, "I want you to strip, walk to the open window, then wave your cock-and-balls around." "Do they need air?" "Not really. I just hate that asshole lawyer across the breezeway." Why do surgeons wear masks during operations? So if they fuck up no one can ID them. Why are lawyers buried 30 feet under the ground? Because down deep they're probably alright. "You need to eat a high fiber diet," the doctor told the heart patient, "quit smoking, and get some exercise." "What about sex?" "Just with your wife. We don't want you getting too excited." What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? A vulture can't remove his wingtips. A man arrives at the emergency room; the doctor approaches him and says, "Your wife's been in a terrible car accident, she's a paraplegic and brain-dead. You'll have to spend the rest of your life caring for her." "But doc, I'm only 25 years old. She might live another 60 years; I can't spend the rest of my life taking care of an invalid." "You won't have to," says the doctor. "I was just fucking with you. She's dead." Two lawyers hire a stunning new secretary and a contest begins between them to bed her. They both end up sleeping with her the day of the Christmas party and meet afterwards for drinks and bragging rights. "So how do you rate her cocksucking?" asks the first partner. "My wife is better." "You're right." How do you save a lawyer from drowning? Take your foot off his head. A couple visit a sex therapist who asks the wife, "What do you think is the biggest problem with your sex life?" "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation." "Is this true?" the therapist asks the husband. "I don't actually suffer," he replies. "She does." How does a lawyer say "Fuck you"? "Trust me." A lawyer said to his client on death row, "I've got good news and bad news." "What's the bad news?" "You're going to the electric chair tomorrow." "What's the good news?" "I got the voltage reduced." A doctor and his wife are out for a walk. A streetwalker says, "Good afternoon, Doctor Kiley." Before his wife can say anything, he says, "Don't worry. I know her professionally." She asks, "Your profession or hers?" Ben Affleck goes to the doctor and says, "You gotta help me, doctor. Every time I see myself in the mirror I get an erection." "That's because," says the doctor, "you're a pussy." Did you hear about the female lawyer who moonlighted as a hooker? She was a prostituting attorney. How do you sleep like an attorney? First you lie on one side and, then you lie on the other. What's brown and black and looks great on a lawyer? A Doberman. What's 15 inches long and dangles in front of an asshole? A lawyer's tie. A baby boy was born weighing ten pounds, but his testicles weighed five pounds. When the doctor told his mom he'd have to be placed in a mental institution she said, "Why?" The doctor said, "He's half nuts." What does a lawyer use for birth control? His personality. The doctor says, "I have bad news and worse news." "What's the bad news?" "You have one month to live." "What's the worse news?" "It's February." What do you need when you have seven lawyers up to their necks in quicksand? More quicksand. A doctor phones his patient, "I have good news and bad news." "What's the good news?" "You have 72 hours to live." "What's the bad news?" "I forgot to call you yesterday." What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit? The bucket. Why don't lawyers vacation at the beach? Cats bury them in the sand. Many many more doctor and lawyer jokes inside.