A compassionate exploration of the effects of ambiguous loss and
how those experiencing it handle this most devastating of losses.
Family therapist and researcher Boss (Univ. of Minnesota) has
studied ambiguous loss in the families of pilots declared missing
in action in Vietnam and Cambodia, in midlife couples whose
adolescent children have recently left home, and in families where
one member has Alzheimer's. This latter group includes Native
American women of the Ashinabe tribe in northern Minnesota. The
author divides ambiguous loss into two basic types: first, where
someone is perceived as physically absent but psychologically
present, e.g., men declared missing in action who are not known to
be alive or dead; second, where someone is perceived to be
psychologically absent but physically present, e.g., a spouse with
dementia or other mental illness. Situations that can create a
feeling of ambiguous loss also include such common phenomena as
immigration or a move, adoption, divorce, and the workaholism of a
partner. Boss finds that the uncertainty of such situations can
easily lead to depression, anxiety, and family conflict. Using
personal narratives of those she has worked with, she reports how
those experiencing ambiguous loss often struggle to control an
unclear situation by searching for absolutes, either denying that
anything has changed or, alternatively, acting as though the loved
one is completely gone. Among the Ashinabe women, however, she
found a spiritual acceptance of ambiguity, indicating that a
tolerance for ambiguity and uncertainty seems to be related to
cultural values and spiritual beliefs. As a family therapist,
Boss's own approach is to encourage families to talk together, to
reach a consensus about how to mourn that which has been lost and
how to celebrate that which remains. Her simple stories of families
doing just that contain lessons for all. Insightful, practical, and
refreshingly free of psychobabble. (Kirkus Reviews)
When a loved one dies we mourn our loss. We take comfort in the
rituals that mark the passing, and we turn to those around us for
support. But what happens when there is no closure, when a family
member or a friend who may be still alive is lost to us
nonetheless? How, for example, does the mother whose soldier son is
missing in action, or the family of an Alzheimer's patient who is
suffering from severe dementia, deal with the uncertainty
surrounding this kind of loss? In this sensitive and lucid account,
Pauline Boss explains that, all too often, those confronted with
such ambiguous loss fluctuate between hope and hopelessness.
Suffered too long, these emotions can deaden feeling and make it
impossible for people to move on with their lives. Yet the central
message of this book is that they can move on. Drawing on her
research and clinical experience, Boss suggests strategies that can
cushion the pain and help families come to terms with their grief.
Her work features the heartening narratives of those who cope with
ambiguous loss and manage to leave their sadness behind, including
those who have lost family members to divorce, immigration,
adoption, chronic mental illness, and brain injury. With its
message of hope, this eloquent book offers guidance and
understanding to those struggling to regain their lives.
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