The ultimate collection of X-rated and decidedly politically incorrect limericks! This bumper new volume contains over 2,000 dirty verses, from the moderately blue to the absolutely filthy - all illustrated throughout by Gray Jolliffe, creator of the bestselling Wicked Willie cartoon character. Here are verses so rude that even a blonde would blush, on subjects ranging from the bedroom to the bathroom and beyond. You'll find plenty of up-to-date limericks relevant to contemporary life as well as lewd old favourites on every imaginable topic, all of them guaranteed to make you laugh. Includes many newly devised limericks. On the breast of a barmaid named Gail Was written the price of the ale And on her behind, For the sake of the blind Was the same information in Braille.

When Dionysus the Renegade faked a Sophocles text in 400BC (cunningly inserting the acrostic 'Heraclides is ignorant of letters') to humiliate an academic rival, he paved the way for two millennia of increasingly outlandish literary hoaxers. The path from his mischievous stunt to more serious tricksters like the controversial memoirist and Oprah-duper James Frey, takes in every sort of writer: from the religious zealot to the bored student, via the vengeful academic and the out-and-out joker. But whether hoaxing for fame, money, politics or simple amusement, each perpetrator represents something unique about why we write. Their stories speak volumes about how reading, writing and publishing have grown out of the fine and private places of the past into big-business, TV-book-club-led mass-marketplaces which, some would say, are ripe for the ripping. For the first time, the complete history of this fascinating sub-genre of world literature is revealed. Suitable for bookworms of all ages and persuasions, this is true crime for people who don't like true crime, and literary history for the historically illiterate. A treat to read right through or to dip into, it will make you think twice next time you slip between the covers of an author you don't know...

Are the end times near? Is the Rapture really just around the corner? Could Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson possibly be right? About 1 billion people among us believe, yes, absolutely.
And that means one thing: investment opportunities
For those who are not as expertly versed in the Book of Revelation, Ellis Weiner and Barbara Davilman, authors of the bestselling "Yiddish with Dick and Jane," helpfully offer both illumination and advice: What exactly is the Rapture, anyway? How is it different from the Tribulation? Who are the Antichrist, the Four Horsemen, and the 144,000 male virgins, and what do they want? And, most important, how can I make money during the 7 years of societal breakdown before Armaggedon?
Taking the familiar form of a how-to investment guide, HOW TO PROFIT FROM THE COMING RAPTURE instructs those readers who will certainly be left behind (Jews, Catholics, Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus, less ardent Protestants, and many more) on how to exploit the inevitable demise of the world in order to make a tidy profit. Sure, the rivers and seas will run with blood, locusts will swarm, mountains will move all over the place, and famine will strike. But for the "five billion" of us left behind, the post-Rapture world will be a time of even more unique investment opportunities.

Celebrities would have us believe they lead a charmed life, and never make mistakes like us mere mortals. Charmed life my arse! With his wicked trademark wit, Ricky Tomlinson reveals the truth: they're just as likely to suffer from bloopers, blunders and bloody awful cock-ups as the rest of us. Packed with hilarious gossip and stories, and with a cast of characters from golden age superstars right through to reality TV wannabes, CELEBRITIES MY ARSE! is the perfect book for anyone who wants to know what goes on when the camera isn't looking . . .

REMOVE CHILD BEFORE FOLDING - A warning label put on an actual baby stroller, ostensibly because without such caution parents might crush their children and sue the stroller company for making a defective product. For years, the Michigan anti-lawsuit watch group M-LAW has held their yearly 'Wacky Warning Label' contest (this year's winner: a toilet brush whose maker warned, 'Do Not Use For Personal Hygiene'), in order to highlight the silliest labels ever pasted on actual appliances. REMOVE CHILD BEFORE FOLDING offers the 101 most ludicrous, silly and just plain stupid warning labels ever slapped onto perfectly good products, as well as some of the lawsuits that resulted from them. So before you drop that hairdryer in the bathtub, read these warnings: 'This Product Moves when Used' (from a popular child's scooter), 'Once used rectally, this thermometer should not be used orally' ('nuff said), 'Harmful if swallowed' (from a brass fishing lure with a three-pronged hook), 'May Irritate Eyes' (from a can of self-defense pepper spray).

In the sacred and honorable tradition of The Onion comes a hilarious and outrageous collection of 'Church Newsletters' that gleefully skewer America's religious right. The Godly ministers at Landover Baptist Church (Guaranteeing Salvation Since 1612!) have been sending out their newsletters for years, helping save those headed for damnation from falling into the devil's clutches. Making sure that no Christian is left behind and that all non-believers burn in Hell, Pasto Deacon Fred and his band of merry white preachers share such righteous wisdom as 'How children can win a Playstation (r) 3 by accepting jesus Christ as their personal Saviour' and 'How to prevent from turning Macy's into Neverland Ranch.' Complete with Bible Quizzes, Sacreligious Sidebars and mug shots of America's damned, Welcome to Jesusland! Is sure to bcome a classic of religious and political humour - while cleansing heathens frm the Earth (or at least from those pesky Blue States).

Sports. It's what drives millions of people to work hard, play hard - and laugh even harder. In this classic collection of athletics-inspired wit, with his unique ability to integrate sports into everyday life, Scheft will take on: * Theft: 'Despite his problems with the law, Allen Iverson jerseys are still flying off the shelves. And they've even sold a couple.' * The Boston Red Sox: 'Just wondering. Do you think for Daylight Savings, Grady Little will set his clocks back four batters?' * Politics: 'Did you catch the Democratic convention? I haven't heard that many empty promises in the Fleet Center since Rick Pitino left town.' * Television Cross-promotion: 'At one point I could have sworn I heard Tim McCarver say July 31 was the deadline for Trading Spouses.' With brand new additions and outtakes showcasing Bill's signature humour, THE BEST OF 'THE SHOW' is a look at the world of sports through a truly cracked - and hilarious - lens.

From the wickedly hilarious pen of Southern humorist Celia Rivenbark comes a collection of essays that brings to mind Dave Barry (in high heels) or Jeff Foxworthy (in a prom dress).
"Bright, witty, and warm."
---"St. Petersburg Times"
"Hilarious---and right on the money."
---"The Charlotte Observer"
"Just when you think Erma Bombeck strip-mined the comedy out of motherhood, Rivenbark shows off some sparkling new gems."
---"The State "(Columbia, SC)
Step into the wacky world of "womanless wedding" fund-raisers, in which Bubbas wear boas. Meet two sisters who fight rural boredom by washing Budweiser cans and cutting them into pieces to make clothing. Learn why the word "snow" sends any right-thinking Southerner careening to the Food Lion for extra loaves of bread and little else.
Humor columnist and slightly crazed belle-by-birth Celia Rivenbark tackles these and other lard-laden subjects in "Bless Your Heart, Tramp, "a hilarious look at Southern---and just plain human---foibles, up-close and personal.
So pour yourself a glass of sweet tea and curl up on the pie-azza with "Bless Your Heart, Tramp,"

I have always collected football stories like other people collect stamps, and it's great to get this opportunity to stick them in a book' From the bestselling author of RICKY comes this collection of hilarious anecdotes about football, with stories about the stars themselves, the fans, the girlfriends, the managers ... in fact every aspect of the beautiful - and occasionally ridiculous - game. Recounted with Ricky Tomlinson's trademark wit, this is a bright and brilliantly entertaining collection that will delight football fans everywhere.

Selected by bestselling author Joey Green, a collection of 400 quotes by Marx and Lennon, juxtaposed to reveal their hilarious similarities No, not THAT Marx and Lenin Here's a much funnier and artistically talented pair from history. Revolutionaries in their own rights, John Lennon and Groucho Marx did not share much common ground with their Communist namesakes, or even with each other. Where they do overlap is through their very humorous and irreverent takes on life. Editor Joey Green brings together a collection of more than 400 Groucho Marx and John Lennon sayings, juxtaposed to emphasize their hysterical and unexpected similarities.

Why couldn't the Sopranos survive living down South? Simple. You can't shoot a guy full of holes after eating chicken and pastry, spoon bread, okra, and tomatoes.
What does a Southern woman consider grounds for divorce? When daddy takes the kids out in public dressed in their pajama tops and Tweety Bird swim socks. Again.
What is the Southern woman's opinion of a new "fat virus" theory? Bring it on! We've got a lot of skinny friends we need to sneeze on.
In this wickedly funny follow-up to her bestselling novel "Bless Your Heart, Tramp," Celia Rivenbark welcomes you, once again, to the South she loves, the land of "Mama and them," "precious and dahlin'," and mommies who mow. Y'all come back now, you hear?

On the heels of George Carlin's #1 New York Times bestseller Napalm & Silly Putty comes When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?--infused with Carlin's trademark irreverent humor and biting cultural observations. Here we go again . . . George Carlin's hilarious When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? offers his cutting-edge opinions and observational humor on everything from evasive euphemistic language to politicians to the media to dead people. Nothing and no one is safe Despite the current climate of political correctness, Carlin is not afraid to take on controversial topics: Carlin on the media: The media comprises equal parts business, politics, advertising, public relations, and show business. Nice combination. Enough bull for Texas to open a chain of branch offices.Carlin on the battle of the sexes: Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.Carlin on hygiene: When did they pass a law that says the people who make my sandwich have to be wearing gloves? I'm not comfortable with this. I don't want glove residue all over my food; it's not sanitary. Who knows where these gloves have been?Carlin on evasive language: Just to demonstrate how far using euphemisms in language has gone, some psychologists are now actually referring to ugly people as those with "severe appearance deficits." Hey, Doctor. How's that for "denial"?Carlin on politics: No self-respecting politician would ever admit to working in the government. They prefer to think of themselves "serving the nation." To help visualize the service they provide the country, you may wish to picture the things that take place on a stud farm. The thinking person's comic who uses words as weapons, Carlin puts voice to issues that capture the modern imagination. For instance, why are there Ten Commandments? Are UFOs real? What will the future really be like? This brand-new collection tackles all that and more. In When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? Carlin's razor-sharp observations demolish everyday values and leave you laughing out loud--delivering exactly what his countless fans have been waiting for.

Sam Venable is one of America's seventy-six million Baby Boomers who are turning into their parents. He can't quite see without his reading glasses, he thinks the music kids listen to these days is nothing but a loud racket, and his belt is mysteriously creeping up higher and higher on his chest.
The way Venable figures it, he's roaring along the road (at about twenty-seven miles per hour, the average speed for someone his age) to Codgerville. You Gotta Laugh to Keep From Cryin' highlights the observations and lifestyle changes (and a few other things he can't quite seem to remember at the moment) that Venable has made along the way.
From the day his wife discovers his first ear hair, Venable begins to recognize the signs of old age. Though he had reconciled himself to daily fiber and a distinguished head of gray, he is one step further to an insatiable desire for cafeteria food and permanently leaving his car's right turn signal flashing.
The news isn't all bad, though. To his surprise, Venable discovers that his new appearance and habits have qualified him for the senior discount on breakfast at his favorite restaurant. After reading about a scientific study concluding that men's brains shrink faster than women's in the normal aging process, Venable has a new source of excuses to explain to his wife why he is missing important dates, times, places, and appointments.
As an official CIT (Codger In Training), Venable delights in other newfound freedoms. He can stand in a fast-food line and stare at the menu for a full two minutes without saying a word (besides, he can't hear the people behind him grumbling). He can drive as slowly as he likes and has perfected the art of maintaining a death grip on the steering wheel of his car. And he really doesn't have to listen to anyone anymore; he can merely turn their way from time to time and mumble, "Huh?"
From the swinging doors whose "Push/Pull" directions elude him to the high-tech mysteries of ATMs designed to baffle the elderly, Sam Venable's rollicking view of life after fifty will leave readers laughing and happy to be a member of the AARP set.
The Author: Sam Venable, recognized for his humor writing in 2000, 2001, and 2002 by the Tennessee Press Association, is a columnist for the Knoxville News-Sentinel. He is the author of a number of books, including Rock-Elephant: A Story of Friendship and Fishing and Mountain Hands: A Portrait of Southern Appalachia. He lives in Knoxville, Tennessee.

‘I stopped off at the Peace Gardens – a memorial straddling the US–Canadian border commemorating 'Lasting Peace Between America and Canada', as if there had ever been a problem. Show me a garden commemorating Peace Between America and, say, Iraq and I’ll be impressed.
America is like a beauty contestant. It’s gorgeous, until it opens its mouth.’

From the similarities between US gun laws and British drinking hours, to what cryptic crosswords really tell us about the British psyche, American in London Rich Hall casts a keen eye on the lunatic contradictions and weird marvels of his native and adoptive homelands.

‘Full of acute left-field reflections on America and Americans, plus some marvellously irreverent sketches …wise, witty and strangely true' GUARDIAN
 

Among the provocative social phenomena of our time, few have caught the public fancy as profoundly as that quintessentially American species known as Bubba. The conventional notion of Bubba is a Southern redneck who thinks a rented movie and a six-pack are quality entertainment. According to Dan Jenkins, this historical view has been advanced largely by "effete Easterners and West Coast ponytails who claim to like trout pizza and fat novels written by some kind of Ecuadorian". Granted, says Jenkins, there is more than one Bubba from Georgia who has spray-painted his girl's name on an overpass. But there is also more than one Bubba from Chicago who will do his Christmas shopping at Graceland. Bubba, Jenkins concludes, is a state of mind, and he proceeds to let Bubba define himself by speaking on topics ranging from beer to ballet, from haircuts to the homeless.

From the first swig to the last drop, beer is jolly scrummy, and this sozzled collection of retro photos and frightfully funny captions capture everything to love about a pint of giggle water. The Wit and Wisdom of... is a series of terrifically humorous books brought to you by the rip-roaringly funny folks behind the best-selling On-the-Ceiling greetings cards. Perfect as a birthday, Christmas or Father's Day gift for beer lovers everywhere. Also available: The Wit and Wisdom of Wine The Wit and Wisdom of Mum The Wit and Wisdom of Dad The Wit and Wisdom of the Husband The Wit and Wisdom of the Wife

From the first sip to the last drop, wine is spiffingly jolly, and this sozzled collection of retro photos and frightfully funny captions capture everything to love about a bottle of plonk. The Wit and Wisdom of... is a series of terrifically humorous books brought to you by the rip-roaringly funny folks behind the best-selling On-the-Ceiling greetings cards. Perfect as a birthday or Christmas gift for wine lovers everywhere. Also available: The Wit and Wisdom of Beer The Wit and Wisdom of Mum The Wit and Wisdom of Dad The Wit and Wisdom of the Husband The Wit and Wisdom of the Wife

Bake a cake in a mug; take part in a people-watching challenge; create a time capsule; diarise a week of your life and learn to make origami. Fully illustrated and packed with a host of games, activities and pranks, Alfie invites you to join his online following as he challenges you to complete your journal of pointlessness and do virtually nothing with pride.

Alfie Deyes is back with another instalment of his unique brand of nothingness. Bigger, better and even more pointless,The Pointless Book 2 is once again full of hilarious challenges and crazy activities, and the ultimate accessory to Alfie's wonderful PointlessBlog. With all the humour and quirkiness of Alfie's celebrated YouTube site, Pointless Book 2 is packed with a host of games, activities, dares, pranks and jokes - and, of course, an exclusive digital app to take you closer to Alfie and the PointlessBlog. Fully illustrated and endlessly entertaining, Alfie invites you back to his Pointless party and to once again do virtually nothing with pride!

A decade and one dog after penning the bestselling Racing Pigs And Giant Marrows, and inspired by the purchase of his new hound, a petit basset-griffon Vendeen called Little Man, Harry Pearson returns to the world of stalking, ferreting and beating with this ramble through the countryside. Harry Pearson was born into a dog-loving family and grew up with a variety of spaniels, terriers, collies and mongrels. He currently spends several hours every day running along behind a bassett-griffon pretending he really intended to go that way himself. Within these pages will be found anecdotes culled from forty-five years of living with dogs, wise observations on canine and human behaviour, historical tales of famous dogs, learned speculations on nature and descriptions of life in the real English countryside - a place where there are otters in the river, glue-sniffers in the woods and fisticuffs over fishing rights.

The internet is a rich and huge source of humour - home to some of the most hilarious jokes, photos and stories from around the world. But the fact that anyone and everyone can contribute means it's also full of a lot of dross Luckily, this book has done all the work finding the gems and collects the very best of internet funnies together in one place. Always funny, often shocking, "Non PC World" is the perfect gift for anyone who enjoys forwarding silly pics (the beach wedding spoilt somewhat by the fat naked bloke in the background, the brilliantly named mobile kebab shop Jason Donervan) and daft stories (the greatest ever break-up letter, the ad placed in the classifieds looking for an assistant time traveller). And of course, no collection of internet humour would be complete without classic 'Chinglish' public notices and wrong answers from game shows (Q: 'what was Ghandi's first name?' A: 'Goosey?').

Be prepared to be truly revolted at this nausea-inducing book of the grossest of the gross facts. Hold on tight to your breakfast and keep the smelling salts handy as you discover: on a daily average you will inhale 1 litre of others' anal gasses. The biggest tapeworm ever found inside the human body was 33 metres long. You'll find yourself laughing and shaking your head in disgust.

Feeling blue? Indulge yourself with this fabulous line-up of some of the friskiest films of all time. Some of them real, some of them imagined, these titillating titles are accompanied by anatomically unimaginable illustrations. This book of sexy spoof movies will have you hooting with disbelief, wincing with wonder and guffawing at its audacity and just plain rudeness. From Lord of the G-Strings: The Twins Shower to The Sperminator, the delectably wicked Arsula Undress's uproarious and unabashed collection is not for the fainthearted. You'd be well advised not to leave a copy out for your mother to see - Includes: Anacondom; Robocock; Spankenstein; Sex Men; Inspect Her Gadget; Titantric and many, many more!

When it comes to football chants, British fans surely must be top of the league. Througout the country every weekend, football stadiums ring with the sound of hundreds of thousands of supporters singing the praises of their favourite players, rubbishing the opposition, having a go at the ref and waxing lyrical about past legends. From lengthy ballads reminiscing about club glory to spontaneous chants - often with extremely amusing results - football fans across the nation revel in the opportunity to make themselves heard. Chants can spring from deep-rooted rivalries - Arsenal and Spurs, Celtic and Rangers or Manchester United and Liverpool - or simply from the fact that a player (or in the case of the Neville brothers, their dad) has a funny name. Plundering the pop charts for tunes to set their ditties to, fans have come up with hundreds of hilarious, moving, clever and often downright scandalous songs. Altogether now...!

Would you like to know that...A blink lasts approximately 0.3 seconds...Early Christians used re-coloured eggs to symbolise the resurrection...Men can read smaller print than women...The Useless Information Society was formed by some of Britain's best-loved journalists, writers and entertainers. They meet regularly to swap new nuggets of trivia. This is the collection of their amazing, mind-boggling and utterly inconsequential findings.