Domestic violence is a pervasive problem in our society that has
only recently come to be acknowledged in public discussion. Though
many see it as a social and political problem grounded in unequal
gender roles, this level of analysis fails to explain adequately
why many battered women return to their abusers despite intense
suffering and the certainty of more physical violence.
The Illusion of Love challenges the prevailing model, which
views the victim of abuse as a normal woman who is unable to escape
from her batterer due to the effects of terror and psychological
collapse. Instead, David Celani offers a new answer--that women who
are battered have a fundamental attraction to partners who are
abusive.
Based on his years of clinical experience treating battered
women, Celani applies object relations theory and case examples
from his own practice to show that many women--and indeed some
men--are unconsciously drawn to abusive partners because of
personality disorders caused by childhood abuse and neglect. He
argues that any effective treatment for battered women must help
unravel futile and self-defeating patterns, such as ones that
spring from fears of abandonment and fascination with men who
produce exaggerated promises of love followed by extreme rejecting
behaviors.
"The Illusion of Love" examines the personalities of abusers as
well, many of whom suffer from narcissism, a disorder that is also
often associated with childhood abuse and neglect. Narcissistic men
lash out violently in an attempt to control their own fears or
abandonment and to compensate for unsatisfied emotional needs.
Celani concludes that domestic violence is often the tragic
result of a union between individuals with complementary
personality disorders. His findings fly in the face of the
politically correct refusal to examine the behavior of the victim
of abuse, a strategy that has led to a severe misunderstanding of
the dynamics of the battering scenario. "The Illusion of Love"
calls for primary prevention of neglectful parenting to stem the
tide of abuse in the future, offering tangible hope for the
treatment of victims of abuse as they attempt to extricate
themselves from unhealthy, damaging relationships.
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