Let's face it. We've come to a point in our society where we can't say or do anything without offending someone or another. This joke book is full of jokes that ignore the rules of polite society and take advantage of many well-known stereotypes. Jokes about race, ethnicity, religion, and nationality are all bound to offend someone, and they're right here in this book.

Doris said to her sister, "I have to be extremely careful not to get pregnant." "But I thought Bill got a vasectomy?" "Precisely." What's the best thing to do when you see your wife staggering around on your front lawn? Shoot her again. Why are men smarter when they're making love? They are plugged into a fucking know-it-all. What do a fat chick and a moped have in common? They're both fun to ride, but you never want your friends to see you on one. A bride-to-be knows exactly what type of music she wants played at her wedding. She auditions 20 pianists before this musician plays an original composition that is precisely what she was looking for. "That was perfect," she says. "What do you call it?" He says, "Drive Me to Capistrano Baby, Because That's Where You're Gonna Swallow." "Yuck. What a nasty title; but it is a beautiful song, play me another." He does and this one is even better. "That's magnificent. What do you call it?" "Bend Over and Touch Your Ankles Baby-I'm a Backdoor Man." "You're hired," she says, "but for God's sake don't tell anyone the names of your songs." The wedding day comes and the guests at the reception are more than impressed with the music. But the pianist has been drinking an ocean of champagne. He has to go to the bathroom and is so drunk he botches the job. He cleans up as best he can and returns to the piano. Halfway there he's stopped by the bride who says, "Do you know there's shit on your shoes and your zipper's down?" "Know it?" he says. "Bitch, I wrote it." What do you call a couple using the rhythm, will power, or withdrawal methods of birth control? Parents. A woman told her friend, "I just made my ex-husband a millionaire." "What was he before?" "A billionaire." Why do people get married? So they have someone to blame. What's the difference between a wife and mistress? About 45 pounds. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 45 minutes. Samantha discontinued sex to answer the phone. When she returned to bed her partner asked, "Who was that?" "My husband." "What does he want?" "He just wanted to tell me he'll be home late because he went bowling with you." A man propositions a hooker. He offers $10. She insists on $50. That's too steep for him so he decides to go home to his wife. They fuck and then walk down to the local bar for a drink. They pass the hooker who says, "See what a lousy $10 gets you?" A husband said, "I've devised a new sexual position that will save our marriage." The wife said, "What is it?" "Back-to-back." "It's impossible to have sex back-to-back." "Sure we can. I've persuaded the new neighbors to join us." At a divorce recovery workshop a man stands up and says, "My ex-wife is a decent, honest person and a great mother to our children. But I'm into kinky sex-I mean the kinkier the better-and she was a straight lay. It put our marriage under so much strain it fell apart." A lady stands up and says, "Same with me. And I live around the corner." So they leave and go to her place. They do some kissy-face and get naked on the couch and she says, "I'm ready." "Me too." She runs to her bedroom and assembles all her gear: leather bra and thong, whip and handcuffs, nipple clips and a battery powered dildo that could propel a bass boat. She returns to the living room and sees him dressed and leaving. "Hey Where are you going? I thought you liked it kinky?" He says, "Lady, I just fucked your cat and shit in your purse, what the hell do you want?" Why do women have periods? Because they deserve them. After making love the bride slapped her husband's face. "What was that for?" he asked. "For being a lousy fucking lover." He slapped her back. "What was that for?" she asked. "For knowing the difference." What's the definition of confidence? Your wife finds you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next bitch." Many more tasteless and filthy love and marriage jokes inside.

The Professional way to insult somebody. WARNING: THIS IS AN EXTREMELY OFFENSIVE BOOK. It contains 99 insults using foul language. On the first page there's a table with 99 page numbers that you can tick after you've chosen the particular insults that apply to the recipient of the book. This is the kind of book you'd send to an employer who fired you, someone who swindled you or a cheating partner to tell them what you think of them. There are insults to give to fat people, dumb people, males and females, cheating partners, swindlers, someone who's dumped you, the person who divorced you, the landlord who kicked you out etc. etc. It's a very inexpensive way to insult somebody and they won't forget it. When you've ticked the boxes you can mail it out, put it in someone's mailbox, leave it in your boss's desk drawer or just carry it around with you until you see the person you want to insult sitting in a restaurant and throw it at them. Just imagine your own reaction if you received one of these books.

Ever feeling down or do you just want to get that smile on your face? Well this book is guaranteed to do it. With pages upon pages of hilarious jokes, you'll have your stomach aching from too much laughter
With jokes appropriate for any age like:
What does a clock do when it's still hungry?
Go back "four" seconds
and...
Knock knock
Who's there?
Wooden shoe
Wooden shoe who?
Wooden shoe like to hear another joke?
you'll be sure to have anyone rolling on the floor after reading it

Knock Knock Jokes and More: 901 Hilarious Jokes for Kids (3-Books-In-1) Entertain Your Kids For Weeks Don't Miss This Great Deal - 3-Joke-Books-In-1 What did the square say to the circle? You look out of shape . Knock, Knock. Who's there? Rufus. Rufus who? Rufus falling, run away Over 900 Jokes For Endless Fun Grab all of Lizzy Burbank's Best Selling Jokes for Kids Books in one book With over 900 funny, hilarious, and clean jokes, your children will be entertained from sun up to sun set. Make learning a fun experience with this awesome jokes series made just for kids

The first bilingual (English/Russian) sampling of authentic Soviet underground jokes--mostly political, but also ethnic, and at times erotic--published in the United States at the height of the Cold War. Illustrated.

This winning combination of very funny puns and clever satire is the latest collection of wordplays from Champion punster David R. Yale, whose earlier book, Pun Enchanted Evenings, won the 2011 Global eBook Award for humor. Yale's collection of 823 wildly original word plays includes droll daffynitions that turn your understanding of common words insight out, and playful pun stories with priceless PUNchlines. Covering almost every subject from airplanes to zoology, Yale's puns about doctors, relationships, cats & dogs, lawyers, teenagers, food, knights, Greek gods, writers, farmers, bankers, politics -- and lots more -- guarantee a full 1,000 gigglebytes of belly laughs. In addition to Yale's puns, and information on new scientific studies proving the mental superiority of punsters, HomesPun Humor showcases the work of 16 of the world's best punsters, including O. Henry Pun-Off, Punderdome(r), and Punsr champs In addition, HomesPun Humor reveals confidential insider information you won't find anywhere else: * The secret of efficient hay farming? (Slow mow shun ) * The name of an opera about smiling cows. (Low-and-grin ) * Why the army won't serve second helpings of ice cream. (That would be re-treating ) * What must you never plant on a green roof. (Leeks ) * Leading doctor's secret for getting over the grippe. (Study French. You'll soon become flu went ) * What do you call a stolen Venetian boat? (Gone-dola ) Punsters and language lovers will find it hard to put this book down. But Yale's entertaining style makes it impossible to overdo wi

This Book was written in a funny manner to not only touch upon some old school ways but to also make us laugh, cry, and think about how some of the things we do impact kids, family, friends, neighbors, and society in general. Some stuff is made up and some stuff is just based upon what I have seen over the years. This book doesn't target any race because all races can be Ghetto. For Ghetto is not about Colors, Black, White, or Pink, but about how you act, how you live, and how you think. This book is not meant to disrespect anyone, it is just meant for laughs and to make you think so if I offend anyone please accept my apologies.

Laugh Until Your Ribs Hurt Internet compilation of Jokes took 10 years of collecting jokes from colleagues and friends. The jokes are about people places, animals and the intricate internet . People who are savvy and work on the internet most of the day or just part time will find the jokes funny and stimulating. The fundamental web mentality or genius is found when reading these jokes and can pour over into your daily lives as a healing force for you and your relationships with co workers, family and friends. May the force of laughter be with you.

Do you need a really, REALLY good laugh?
If so, then you've come to the right place my friend.
Text messaging is the ultimate form of communication these days and you won't believe how some people abuse the privilege. But no worries, that's exactly why this book exists - to show you the gloriously hilarious things that can happen when modern technology meets modern (yet confounded) humans.
Whether it's clueless parents who don't know how to use their smartphones (comedy gold ), or bored, yet clever teens that want to mess around with their friends, this book does not discriminate. If it is real, if it is bizarre, and most importantly, it s#*t-in-your-pants funny, then this book has it
Here are just a few of the gems you will find inside:
Son: "Hey Dad, remember when I killed that
butterfly and you said 'no butter for a week?'"
Father: "Yeah?"
Son: "And when I killed that honeybee you said 'no honey for a week?'"
Father: "Yeah, that was a month ago, so what?"
Son: "Mom just killed a cockroach, should I break it to her?"
Father: .."."
--------------------------------------------------------
Friend 1: "What's your street name?"
Friend 2: "Lil Marco"
Friend 1: "You live on a street named Lil Marco?"
Friend 2: .."..oh, you wanted me street address?"
So "treat-yo-self" to a good laugh, a good time, and a brighter day You deserve it
Parents take caution - this book contains humor that is NOT suitable for children.

Dilley One Liners 2 is a collection of all original jokes by Stephen R. Dilley IV. This wonderful book is certain to bring laughs to all readers.

If you've ever heard a Jewish, Blond, Italian, Irish, Blond, Libyan, Catholic, Mexican, Polish, Australian, Norwegian, or an Essex Girl, Newfie, Mother-in-Law, or joke aimed at a minority, this book of Mike Young jokes is for you. While this book, appears to be aimed at a specific group, it's not. It's designed to show how jokes are funny regardless of the target-even if it's you. In this not-so-original book, The Best Ever Book of Mike Young Jokes; Lots and Lots of Jokes Specially Repurposed for You-Know-Who, Mark Young takes a whole lot of tired, worn out jokes and makes them funny again. This book of Mike Young jokes is so unoriginal, it's actually original. And, if you don't burst out laughing (or at least get a smile on your face), from at least one accountant joke in this book, there's something wrong with you. For example: Why does Mike Young wear slip-on shoes? You need an IQ of at least 4 to tie a shoelace. *** An Mike Young and Diane Young were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning. Mike Young turned to Diane Young and said: When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff. Why would you want me to do that?, asked Diane Young. I figure that you'll eventually remarry, and I don't want some asshole using my stuff, replied Mike Young. Diane Young said: What makes you think I'd marry another asshole? *** Why did Mike Young two jackets when he painted his house? The instructions on the can said: Put on two coats. *** Why does Mike Young laugh three times when he hears a joke? Once when it is told to him, once when it is explained to him, and once when he understands it.

An old man living at the retirement home was attracted to an old lady, also living at the home. One evening after lights out, he has a couple shots of Scotch and sneaks down the hall. Fortified by his liquid courage he says, "I wanna fuck you." "Well," she says, "everyone else is asleep, so, what the hell." "How do you like to do it?" "I really like it when a man goes down on me," she says. He lifts up her nightie, takes off her panties and starts yodeling in the gully. He comes up about 15 seconds later with a disgusted look on his face. "I'm sorry, I just can't do this. Something smells fucking rotten down there." She said, "It must be my arthritis." He said, "You can't get arthritis in your vagina, and even so it wouldn't cause that horrible smell." She said, "The arthritis is in my shoulder. I can't wipe." What's 60 feet long and smells like piss? The conga line in a nursing home. An older couple makes an appointment to see their doctor. "What's wrong?" asks the doctor. "We're from a different generation than you and we have problems talking about sex," says the lady. "Perhaps we could show you?" The doctor curses silently under his breath, but then remembers his Hippocratic Oath, and says, "Certainly." So they strip naked, hop up on the examining table and fuck like teenagers. They get dressed and the man says, "Huh, it didn't happen that time. Perhaps we should make an appointment for next week." They come back week after week after week: fucking like bunny rabbits every time until the doctor says, "What's really going on here?" The lady says, "When we do it at my house, my husband beats us up. When we do it at his house his wife throws cold water on us. A nice motel costs $80; a fleabag hotel costs $40, but you have a $12 co-pay and my insurance covers the rest." A minister married a considerably younger woman. On their wedding night he excused himself and went into the bathroom to slip into some pajamas. He exited the bathroom and saw his new wife naked and spread-eagled on the bed. "Darling," he said, "I thought we'd start our married life with me on your knees at the foot of the bed." "Okay. But that position always gives me gas." An elderly couple is hit by a bus and goes to heaven. St. Peter ushers them in and gives them a guided tour of their eternal resting place. "Here's the golf course. There's the swimming pool. There's your condo. If you need anything press the button for room service and an angel will deliver it." St. Peter leaves and the old man turns to his wife and says, "Screw you " "What's your problem? This is fantastic." "Yes, it is. And if it wasn't for those vitamins and all that fucking oat bran you fed me I'd have been here 15 years ago." Three generations of the Collins family were getting ready to tee off one Sunday when the threesome was joined by a beautiful, young female golfer. Before they could introduce themselves the young lady said, "Listen, I'm a two handicap so I don't need any of your patronizing petty male-chauvinist-bullshit advice. So just leave me the fuck alone." "Okay," said Grandpa Collins. "Okay," said Mr. Collins. "Okay," said Junior. The foursome teed off and played the first 17 holes. On the par five 18th the female golfer blasted a 290 yard tee shot, then hit a long iron to the fringe. The Collins boys reached the green a few shots later. She said, "I'm sorry if I was rude earlier, but if I sink this I'll break par for the first time in my life. I need some help, and," she added, "if your advice pays off I'll give my coach the best knee-buckling blowjob they've ever had." "Well," said Junior, "I'd pitch-and-run with a seven iron." "I'd putt it," said Mr. Collins, "and let the natural break run it up to the hole." Grandpa dropped his pants and waved his dick, "Pick it up. It's a gimme." Many Many Many jokes more inside

At last, a book that asks all of life's most important questions: If rabbits feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit? If Barbie is so popular, then why do you have to buy her friends? What do people in China call their good plates? If a cow laughed hard, would milk come out of her nose? If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from? Of course, no answers are provided - that's your job! Loaded with over 250 hilarious, idiotic and mind numbing questions, this collection of "Did you ever wonders" will give your brain a wild workout. Once you pick it up you'll be roaring with laughter. Use this book as a start to your work day, as a header on your e-mails, as a question to pose to your co-workers, as an ice breaker, or for your own enjoyment.

"The man next to me is jacking off," said the blonde to her girlfriend as they sat in the movie theater. "Ignore him." "I can't," said the blonde. "He's using my hand." How do we know that God isn't blonde? If she were, sperm would taste like chocolate. What are Vanna White's favorite consonants? North and South America. What do you call two blondes standing on either side of a friend with a broken leg? Support hos. Why'd the blonde get fired from the sperm bank? Drinking on the job Why'd the blond give up moose hunting? The decoys were too heavy. What is gross stupidity? 144 blondes. Why'd the blonde fail Biology? Instead of dissecting frogs she was busy opening flies. "What's the difference," the nun asked the class, "between fornication and adultery?" "I've tried both," said the blonde, "and actually they are pretty similar." "I don't know what you see in him," said the brunette, "he's just an everyday kind of guy." The blonde replied, "What more could you ask for?" Why aren't blondes pharmacists? Because they can't get those little bottles into the typewriters. Did you hear about the blonde admiral who wanted to be buried at sea? Three of his sons drowned digging the grave. The blonde went to the campus clinic and had the intern remove a wad of red wax from her belly button. "How ever," asked the intern, "did you acquire a lump of wax in your belly button?" "My boyfriend eats by candlelight." "What do you take for a sore throat?" one blonde asked a brunette. "I just suck on a Life Saver." "That's easy for you; you live at the beach." A coed reminiscing about her childhood asked her blonde roommate, "Did you play with jacks when you were little?" "Yes. And Paul's, Chuck's, Bobby's..." A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead walked into the women's locker room after a workout. Suddenly an erect cock protruded from a shower stall. The redhead said, "That's not my husband." The brunette said, "That's not my husband or my lover." The blonde said, "He's not even a member of this club." How did the boss know that his new secretary was a blonde? The white-out on the computer screen. Did you hear about the blonde who moved from California to Mississippi? She raised the IQ of both states. How'd the blonde hemophiliac die? She tried acupuncture. A blonde said to her analyst: "Every time I drink I end up in a three-way or a gang-fuck and I feel guilty about it for weeks." "It's obvious that you have to quit drinking." "Can't you just do something about the guilt?" At the New Year's Eve party one blonde said to the other, "If I'm not in bed by midnight I'm going home." A blonde goes to heaven and St. Peter says, "Cause of death?" "Herpes." "You don't die from herpes." "You do when you give it to Big Dave." What do blondes call underwear? Ankle warmers. Why do blondes have two sets of lips? So they can piss and moan at the same time. What do you call a blonde pulling off her pantyhose? Foreplay. What do you call a blonde with genital herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, and AIDS? An incurable romantic. Did you hear about the blonde who set her pussy on fire on the Fourth of July? She lit the fuse to her tampon. Did you hear about the blonde that went fishing with 14 guys? They all limited out; all she got was a red snapper. Why'd the blonde spend 20 minutes staring at the orange juice carton? Because it said Concentrate. An American blonde in France is raped by a gang of twelve men. The local police chief is shocked and embarrassed and says, "We will, madam, apprehend all twelve suspects." "Don't bother," she says. "Just get number two, number seven and number nine." "Mother?" asked the new bride, "how can I make my new husband happy?" "Love," said the mother, "can be a beautiful bond between two people who respect each other's needs..." I know how to fuck, mom," said the girl. "I want you to teach me how to make meatloaf." Many many more blonde jokes inside.

Do you want a joke for every situation? Are you sure you're prepared for the moment when your audience's heads fall off and their sides split? Master of comedy Jack Goldstein is proud to present this collection of 1001 of the funniest jokes in the history of the world. There's a food joke that pasta be the best you've ever read, and the ones about space are out of this world. The animal jokes will have you roaring in delight, but be careful - doctor, doctor might not have a laughter cure. Organised into categories so you can find the joke you want quickly, this is the perfect addition for any budding comedian's bookshelf.

This book is a collection of jokes, puns, thoughts and more that I've collected over the years. Most of them are not my original material, and I couldn't tell you where most of the others came from because I really don't know. I've been an entertainer since 1989, but I've been telling jokes since I was a young child. I was the class clown and was always looking for a way to make others laugh. You'll find corny jokes, bad puns, groaners, curious ponderings and more in these pages. I use many of them when I'm working to entertain those waiting for a balloon. Of course, you don't have to be a balloon artist or even an entertainer to use them; they are suitable for any occasion where a little humor would fit in.

Super funny jokes for kids These jokes will crack up your kids and keep them coming back for more. Over 300 hilarious jokes are included Why are twin witches hard to tell apart? Because you can't tell which witch is which Receptionist: Doctor, there's an invisible man outside waiting for you. Doctor: Tell him I can't see him right now. Why couldn't the pirate play cards? He was standing on the deck AND MANY MORE