Hilariously imagined text conversations--the passive aggressive, the clever, and the strange--from classic and modern literary figures, from Scarlett O'Hara to Jessica Wakefield

Mallory Ortberg, the co-creator of the cult-favorite website "The Toast," presents this whimsical collection of hysterical text conversations from your favorite literary characters. Everyone knows that if Scarlett O'Hara had an unlimited text-and-data plan, she'd constantly try to tempt Ashley away from Melanie with suggestive messages. If Mr. Rochester could text Jane Eyre, his ardent missives would obviously be in all-caps. And Daisy Buchanan would not only text while driving, she'd text you to pick her up after she totaled her car. Based on the popular web-feature, "Texts from Jane Eyre" is a witty, irreverent mashup that brings the characters from your favorite books into the twenty-first century.

Warning If your politics are hard left, "You Hear Me, Barack?" may induce spontaneous cranial combustion. Just move along to something by Bill Maher. But if you're around the middle or roll right, are up on current events, and enjoy seeing President Obama and the left skewered, this book is for you. Lucianne Goldberg says Grammatico is "sharp, smart, original, and fall down funny . . . he] belongs in the political pundit hall of fame with Iowahawk, Mark Steyn, and P.J. O'Rourke." "National Review"'s Michael Walsh advises readers to "sit back, relax and enjoy this parade of poltroons, hoist high with their own petards. You're in the hands of a master." "You Hear Me, Barack?" contains over one hundred pieces of biting--but never crude or vicious--satire. The selections range from fly-on-the-wall Obama War Room dialogues to news spoofs to quirky interviews to parodies of famous poems, and more. In his Acknowledgements, Grammatico graciously thanks the president and his fellow Democrats for providing a wonderful challenge: making fun of an administration and political party that are almost beyond parody.

What do you do while you are waiting at a red light? This collection of half-mindful, half-mindless mental meanderings by Radio Hall of Fame broadcaster and award winning journalist Ed Baxter will have you smiling and nodding in agreement, beginning on page one. Ed looks at the world around us and his descriptions of that world make us smile

2014 Reprint of 1937 Edition. Full facsimile of the original edition, not reproduced with Optical Recognition Software. "How to Lose Friends and Alienate People" is a bare-faced satire on the worldwide bestseller book, Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People." It is also a self-help book, but it tackles the issue from the other side. Irving always considered that Dale Carnegie was all wrong when he encouraged people to smile and be optimistic. His philosophy is totally different. For Irving, great life achievements can be made by those who live negatively. In this book you will find advice on how to lose friends and make people hate you so that you will be more productive and successful in your life. It is the only book that has ever been written to help people dissolve their human relationships in favor of having a better life According to Irving, some of us are born with ability to make others peeved, but most of us aren't. Originally published in 1937, "How to Lose Friends and Alienate People" is a tongue-in-cheek primer by Irving Tressler on how to achieve more free time and peace by having few, if any, friends and acquaintances. "Some of us are born with ability to make others peeved, but most of us aren't. We flounder about making empty, vapid, pleasing remarks and before we know it we have another 'friend' and have invited him to lunch some day."

Eve's Diary, by Mark Twain, is a beautiful book with pictures of Eve exploring the delights of Eden on every other page, with the text on the adjacent page. The book is written in Eve's voice and gives her description of the events in Eden and her relationship with Adam, as if she wrote a diary. Shelley Fisher Fishkin, a Twain scholar at Stanford University, said the book was "infused with his appreciation for the women he was close to." This is perhaps because Twain wrote it shortly after his wife, Olivia, died. This book comes fully illustrated with over fifty delightful illustrations.

As indicated by the title, this sequel to "NUNS ON A CHAIN GANG ," is a listing of over 300 wacko/humorous(sometimes irreverent) "stuff" that you NEVER- EVER see -- for example: BUTTERFLIES WITH BAD BREATH All entries are the author's original and creative concepts. Illustrations are purposely not included, as the author encourages the reader to imagine/ visualize each entry through their own mind's eye, thus making this an interactive, witty, tongue-in-cheek experience.

"Monster Laughs"

From the Secret Files of the Mystery Hunter

Funny fiction from the Author of "Seasons Without Reason," "Exit Strategies," "Channel Surfing," "How to Write "Comedy" Jokes," and more: Dean Burkey.

Fear not, laugh a lot, as Paranormal Investigator Eddie Hunter, a.k.a. the Mystery Hunter, matches wits with Count Dracula, the Werewolf, Frankenstein's Monster, and many other madcap menaces, classic and new, from around the world and beyond.

"Monster Laughs" spoofs monsters and more. Each hilarious chapter of this epic comedy novel stands on its own, while a story weaves its way throughout. No matter how dangerous the situation, the Mystery Hunter keeps his sense of humor, somehow survives, and finds time to enjoy waffles, pie, and bowling. Only he could save the world with bubble gum and burritos.

In an Odyssey of Oddities, comedian Dean Burkey tackles the Invisible Man, Space Aliens, and other infamous frights. Further scary topics include romantic misunderstandings, macho insecurities, & diminishing dignity.

Edward T. Hunter, Paranormal Investigator: "In my line of work, nothing's more embarrassing than when the monster laughs."

Table of Contents

"Count Dracula Sinks His Teeth into the Big Apple"

To stop the villainous vampire, the Mystery Hunter puts his neck on the line

"The Howling Werewolf's Hairy End"

Bring Your Pet to Work Day has never been so deadly Or so itchy.

"Frankenstein's Monster Bolts Loose"

Big and green, mighty and mean, the most menacing monster the Hunter's ever seen. (So far.)

"Doctor Jekyll and Ms. Hyde"

Double the pleasure; double the danger And with the Hunter involved, double the laughs and mishaps And double the indignities and insecurities

"Unraveling the Mystery of the Mummy"

The Mystery Hunter faces more horrors than he's ever imagined. Is the Mummy out for revenge? Or just running a pyramid scheme?

"Skinny Dipping with the Creature from the Blue Lagoon"

Cannibals, pirates, and sharks, oh my Also, lost treasure, a whale, a gorilla, a navy seal, and a couple grabby blue crabs. And let's not forget the web-footed horror of the amphibious Creature Does the Creature want to kill the Hunter? Or are his desires a fate worse than death? What else would you expect during mating season at the Blue Lagoon?

"The Swinging Tale of the Blue Moon Monkey Man"

The Mystery Hunter encounters a new menace. Before he gets himself killed over a blue banana, the Hunter better solve this case and split

"Illegal Aliens from Outer Space"

(This Is My Favorite Chapter )

Worlds turn against the Mystery Hunter, including his own The galaxy cries out: "Bring me the Hunter "

"Being Seen with the Invisible Man (Or Not )"

Although he prides himself on always being prepared, the Mystery Hunter never saw this one coming

"Challenging the Unchallengeable Charlie Change-O"

The Final Chapter

Home from a whirlwind, worldwide tour of mystery-hunting, Eddie faces his fiercest foe and solves a mystery he wishes he'd never solved.

"Return of the Blue Moon Monkey Man (And Another Crazy)"

The Final, Final Chapter

A fiendish foe returns. So does another crazy. And the Hunter makes a monstrously horrifying realization about himself.

Snippets

The Hunter's second rule: Dress better than the monsters.

They saw my ad in Field & Scream.

But just when all hope seemed lost, what I thought could never happen, happened. My situation worsened.

My fake ID listed my height as two inches taller, so I had to prowl around the hotel on tiptoes to avoid suspicion.

Before you buy this book, take a Look Inside

Inspired lunacy Zany, quirky, funny, fun. For older teens and adults.

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You'll never look at your pets the same way again PETS ON THE MENU is an outrageous spoof cookbook - a comic culinary adventure in the "forbidden cuisine"

Fictitiously fabricated book & author farces that will tickle your funny bone and replace your frown with a refreshingly fanciful smile. This collection of fresh, original, titles and authors (by a former stand up comic and librarian) uses puns, word play, phonic manipulation, wit, literary allusions and a vast knowledge of books and their various genres.

Ray Dennis does the secret, a simple law of attraction story is a humorous parody based on The Secret by Rhonda Byrne."Description"

When Ray Dennis, an alcoholic English bricklayer is deported from the US back to the UK on a drug charge, he has no idea that his life and identity are about to change forever. Shattered by his knowledge that he is a failure, Ray dedicates himself to self-improvement and unwittingly puts himself and his family on a path to disaster once he discovers The Secret.

With a change of name and new passport, Ray returns to LA. He meets a Guru who introduces him to the teachings of The Secret, and shows Ray how to plant thought seeds. And so begins his quest to completely change his life. His thoughts seeds create a wife, kids, a successful business, and a big house. But his success comes at a price as serious drug traffickers eventually kill his wife and children, and the police won't help when they find out he was in the country illegally.

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This short story is a fairy tale for adults--though not the sort that will make you feel tingly. Did you ever wish you could change someone? Did you ever wish your neighbor would be someone who would mow his lawn and not listen to loud music? Did you ever wish your family didn't embarrass you in public? This is a fairy tale about a bunch of people who wanted to change an embarrassing, horrible family in the neighborhood. They went to a mad scientist who was able to help them. At first, everyone thought the change was an improvement. However, unexpected consequences resulted from this, which is exactly why we are always warned to be careful what we wish for. There is also a bonus fairy tale at the end--another "be careful what you wish for" story about a princess and a toad.

At long last, Pappa Gander gets a few words in edgewise. Read some of your old familiar nursery rhymes rewritten his way, plus a few other rhymes, limericks, some haiku, and stories... Jack and the Beanstalk -- did you ever wonder what happened to the cow? or the beans from the beanstalk? What did Jack do later in life? Find out in Jack and the Beanstalk, the Whole Story, Plus the Sequel... The Adventures of Jack and Jill -- a hilarious blend of a lot of familiar rhymes. Pappa Gander gets things a bit mixed up here, and ends up with a second version of Jack and the Beanstalk, but with the Seven Dwarves instead of the giant... Snow White, from an alternative universe where things happen a bit differently... Robby, the author behind Pappa Gander says: My poetic inspirations were Roald Dahl, Shel Silverstien and Ogden Nash. Also included are some of my cartoons, largly influenced by Gary Larson (Far Side). Some of the rhymes were done strictly because I found words that rhyme in an amusing way (amusing to me, anyway).

At last, it's Fifty Shades of White. No complicated rules, no outrageous cliches, no repetitive phrases. Just 50 pages of white paper to do with as you please. Because there really only is ONE shade of white - Unless you are an engaged woman looking for a wedding dress, in which case there's white, ivory, pearl, bone, lily, and off-white (which is actually, um...white). A great, frivolous gift for the person who already has everything useful.

Anesthesia Peel meets Crispin BenGay, a filthy rich and incredibly hunkalicious entrepreneur, during an interview for her beauty-school newspaper. BenGay is mysteriously attracted to Ana, a social zero who's never even used email. He makes her his submissive, to have, to hold and to hurt. "Fifty Shades of BenGay" puts a whole new spin on the bestselling romance novel with a soft-porn filling. That ridiculous contract: "Hard limits: No acts involving clowns or mimes...".Laughable lovemaking: "His mouth finds mine, which isn't hard, considering how big my mouth is...".Ana's multiple personalities: "My inner goddess is picking her nose...".Those ludicrous emails. "Crispin: About our 'deal': thanks, but no thanks. P.S. Can I keep the laptop?" This book is intended for immature adults. It contains explicit scenes of a physically impossible nature.